Page 57 of A Dye Hard Holiday

“Yes, but they’ll never be one again,” Josh answered.

“What time are the unicorns showing up?”

“Same time as the clowns, dear.”

“Snark ass,” I grumbled.

“Hey, you’re the one who picked this fight. I’m ending it. Quit busting my balls over the babies’ big day or I break out the big guns. You should be glad it’s too cold for that big blowup jumpy thing that’s all the rage or unicorn rides.”

“They’re strapped in and ready to go,” my mom said, encouraging us to bring their mini cakes over.

“I’m not ready for this,” Josh whispered.

“The cake mess? I thought you were looking forward to that?”

“No, I’m not ready for this moment to be over. It’s happened too fast, Gabe. I swear we just brought them home five minutes ago.”

“One breath, one step at a time,” I told him.

“Bring those cakes over here, boys. I’m not getting any younger,” Bertie said.

“Yeah, we want them to open their presents,” my dad said. “No one got arrested over this one.”

“Hold your unicorns; we’re coming,” Josh said. “Get your camera ready. You do photos and I’ll do video.”

Josh and I placed the mini cakes on their high chairs and we all began singing happy birthday to them. Dylan impatiently grabbed a fistful of cake while Destiny gingerly poked the icing before we finished the final chorus.

I think we snapped a hundred pictures and filmed every second of the cake massacre. Josh made everyone pose with the twins when they opened their gifts so we could put them in their scrapbook. The grandparents made sure that their present was opened last.

“What do you think it is?” Josh asked me. “They seem pretty excited about it.”

I just shrugged because I had no idea what was in the big box. “I guess we’re about to find out.”

My mom pulled off the lid in a dramatic ta-dah fashion, earning surprised looks from Dylan and Destiny.

“Just go with it, kids,” I said to our children.

“What’s in there, Dylan and Destiny?” Josh asked, sounding more excited than the kids.

Dylan pulled out a stuffed Minnie Mouse and Destiny pulled out a stuffed Mickey Mouse. Destiny took one look at the Minnie Mouse and tossed Mickey to the ground. She reached for Minnie, but Dylan turned his upper body and blocked her.

“No! No!” he said. It was his new favorite word, but we were just glad it wasn’t cockbadger.

“Uh oh,” I said. “I sense another fight is about to happen.”

“Not today,” Bertie told me. “Dylan and Destiny, there are more presents in the box.”

That settled them down temporarily as they reached into the box once more. They each pulled out a Mickey hat with names embroidered on them and kept pulling them out until there was one for each of the twins, both sets of grandparents, and Daddy and Papa.

“I think we’re going to Disney World!” Josh said excitedly.

The final picture of the party was the group of us wearing our hats and smiling for the camera. We set the kids down amongst their new things while we started picking up the wrapping paper mess that was scattered everywhere.

Destiny let out a battle cry worthy of Zena and grabbed the Minnie Mouse from Dylan.

“Fuh nug!” Dylan yelled at his sister.

“Dylan, no!” Josh and I both said at the same time. Our son looked at us like he couldn’t understand what the fuss was all about.

“Excuse us a second,” Gabe said, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the room.

He pushed me into the library and we laughed our asses off. Once we gathered our composure, we returned to the dining room. As I passed Savage and Sassy’s fancy solarium, I said, “Dirty Bird!”

“Blow me!”

Damn, I had the best life.

The End!