Page 24 of A Dye Hard Holiday

“That obvious, huh?”

“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s natural to strut your stuff like a banty rooster. Let’s make you as comfortable as we can, and I’ll push the tree the rest of the way over. ” His laughter echoed through the pines. I was glad he was having such a good laugh at my expense.

“Baby, I’m sorry,” Josh said. At least my husband was sympathetic to my misery.

“Why are you apologizing?” I asked. “I’m probably the one who jinxed this outing with my dickish behavior before we left.”

“You were just worried about me, Gabe. Sure, you could’ve handled it better, but I always know your blustering comes from a place of love.”

“That doesn’t make it o-o-ouch! Damn it!”

“Hurry, Al,” Martina said. I expected my dad to already have the tree chopped down, but instead, he stood there posturing so my mom could get an eyeful. “Oh my!” she said.

“Ewwww,” Josh and I said at the same time.

Of course, mine started out “ewww” but ended with an “owww.”

Our sleigh driver, coincidentally named Nick, tried to get us back as fast as he could while jostling me as little as possible, but it was pure misery.

“Maybe we should take you to Urgent Care for X-rays,” Josh suggested.

“Let me try taking one of my dad’s muscle relaxers first,” I told him, squeezing the hand he placed on my knee. I gasped as my muscles contracted and twitched painfully. “If that doesn’t help then we’ll go back out and leave the babies at home with our folks.”

It sounded like a good idea, but Josh ended up driving us all straight to Urgent Care when the pain became too intolerable for me to take. It was the last way I wanted to spend a Friday evening with my family, but I worried that my dad’s pills wouldn’t be strong enough.

Luckily, they got me back in an exam room quick instead of making me wait. I was sure it pissed off the people who were there before me, but I wasn’t there for a cough or sniffle. I was fucking dying and needed help, dammit. Josh and I left my parents in the waiting room with strict instructions to guard the babies from the icky germs floating around.

I saw a physician’s assistant first who injected something amazing into my body. The relief was immediate as a drug-induced fog invaded my brain. “Sweet relieeeef,” I slurred.

“The doctor will be in to see you in a minute,” the physician’s assistant said.

“S-s-sounds gooood.” I tried giving him a thumbs-up, but my hand felt too heavy to lift. “Heeeey, babe, I wonder ifthisdoctor has seen you nekkid too?”

Men with lesser egos would be horrified that I made them sound like a lab coat banger. Not my Josh. “It’s not likely since the doctor on call is a woman,” he replied.

“You’ve never seen any lady bits? You weren’t curious at all if maybe you like the pussy too?”Like the pussy too? Fuck, I was high.

“Noooo,” Josh said, “but clearly you did.”

“I couldn’t keep an erection and the poor girl was horrified. We both were,” I amended.

“Um, hello. Mr. Roman-Wyatt?” a hesitant voice asked from the doorway. I hadn’t even heard her knock because Josh was laughing too loud.

“I like cocks and I cannot lie.”

“Okay, Savage,” Josh said patiently. “You’re going to be traumatized in the morning if you remember this conversation.” Josh turned to the young doctor who stood looking back and forth between us. “Hello, I’m—”

“Josh Roman-Wyatt,” she said, cutting him off. “I recognize you from Channel Eleven. I love your series.” Then as if she remembered where we were, she extended her hand to Josh and then me. “I’m Doctor Tomlinson. What happened tonight, Mr. Roman-Wyatt?”

“I tried to be a sexy lumberjack, a lumber sensual, or whatever they call it.”

“Lumbersexual, dear, and you pulled it off spectacularly until you threw your back out.”

“I feel”—yawn—“much better”—yawn—“now.”

“I can see that,” Dr. Tomlinson said. “I’m going to write you a prescription for muscle relaxers. Would you like pain pills also?”

“No,” I said adamantly. I hated taking anything stronger than Advil, but muscle relaxers were a must.