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CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

T he sun had begun to peek over the horizon by the time Julian had returned to his estate.

The conversation he had shared with his brother and closest friend still lay fresh in his mind, and his shoulders still bore the weight he had carried for so long. He knew what he wanted, but he knew it would not be so simple to obtain it.

Not after he had tried so much to avoid it, to run from it, to deny it. Would she believe him? Could she find it in her to trust him again? Would she deem him worthy of another chance?

Julian had never liked to deal with uncertainties. That was one of the reasons he could never attempt gambling. The guessing and hoping would eat him alive. He reveled in certain outcomes, in sure victories, and felt more comfortable in eventual defeats he could predict.

With Anna… everything had always been a gamble, right from the start.

Julian had never expected someone so lovely to find him in that orangery.

He had never imagined that a single touch would cause her to be imprinted in his head.

He did not predict that she would be so stubborn and noble, with a heart so ridiculously big.

He never thought she could embody sweetness and sin so well.

Every part of his life that Anna had come into contact with had unfurled like a mystery he had been tasked to solve. And now… it was time to face the music and accept whatever outcome lay ahead.

“There you are, Your Grace,” Ernest heaved a sigh of relief as Julian walked into the foyer. “I was quite worried that you had left already.”

“Why? Did you feel upset when you thought I had made my way back so early without saying goodbye?” Julian asked, slightly distracted by his desire to go to Anna’s side.

“Ha,” Ernest cleared his throat awkwardly.

“My apologies, Your Grace, but no. I was more worried about the duchess. She might not say much concerning the matter, but I have kept a close eye on her, just like you instructed me to. And I can say with absolute certainty that there was nothing quite as comforting to her as your presence has been. She has gotten happier and healthier in the time that you have remained here. If you must leave, I would like to ask that you let her know when you intend to depart. At the very least, give her a chance to say farewell, unlike last time.”

Ernest’s words had been so incredibly startling, scraping over the scabs of his injuries, offering a certain affirmation on what he needed to do.

“Do not worry,” he stated, patting the older man on his shoulder. “I have no intention of repeating any of my former mistakes.”

He continued to make his way upstairs, his mind filled with only thoughts of Anna.

He had so much he wanted within a life made for just them both, so many needs only she could satiate. And he was not going to let anything come between them again.

Julian wasn’t sure when his sense of urgency had caused him to increase his pace, but soon, he found himself staring at the door to her bedroom. Without a second thought, he opened the door and stepped inside.

Anna was seated by the window, her eyes focused on the staff roaming around the gardens in preparation to handle their affairs for the day. Her expression was blank… almost as if she was preparing herself for what she believed was to come.

If there had been any lingering doubt in his mind, the sight of his wife slipping back into a shell of herself — the side of her that likely took prevalence when he was away — burned all of it into ash.

“Anna.”

She slowly turned to him at the sound of her name, her eyes dull as she pulled her dressing gown tighter over her stiff form.

“Is it time? Have you come to say goodbye, then?”

Julian stepped closer, and her gaze regained some of its usual light as she took in his askew clothes and the haunted expression on his face.

“Did something happen?”

Her simple question was like a bait that drew him close as he inhaled deeply, willing his lips to part so he could say all that lay within his heart.

“I know I am not in any place to ask any favors of you. Not after everything. But I need you to listen to me. Just this once.”

Reluctantly, Anna nodded, and he continued, his nerves quaking within him.

“You wished to have a say in decisions that involved you and your well-being. That was a fair request, and now, your opinion will be required for the outcome of things moving forward. All I ask is that you listen to me and then make your choice. Whatever you wish, I will respect.”

Once more, this time more certain, Anna nodded. Feeling emboldened by her sureness, Julian closed the distance between them and fell to his knees.

Startled, Anna leaned back. “Julian, what on earth —”

“Your assumptions about me have never been unfounded. And although your belief in my lack of feelings for you stemmed from my own faults and actions, you are wrong about that. I do love you, Anna. So much so, it is all I’ve done to keep myself from being consumed by the ferocity of my affection for you.

I was foolish, doubting what my true feelings were when I love you so much, it pains me every day to have kept myself apart from you.

But I have only done so because I am imperfect.

I am scared that, given time, I might hurt you.

I do want to stay with you. Perhaps more than anything else I’ve ever wanted for myself in my lifetime, but I fear I might turn into my father.

A man who never cared for my mother’s sincere feelings.

And I’ve already hurt you once, the first time I left.

I would be a fool to repeat that mistake.

“Anna, if you tell me to leave, I will go, and you will never have to concern yourself with me again. You can remain here if you wish and live your life however you wish – I will not get in the way of that. Nothing has to change in that direction. But… if you tell me to stay, I hope you understand that I will make mistakes. As much as I would prefer not to, they will be unavoidable, and I do not want to let such things hold me back from what’s truly important.

I love you, Anna, and I would like to have a family with you. ”

Anna stared down at him, her expression a mix of bewilderment and confusion, slowly bleeding into irritation.

“Julian,” she began, folding her arms. “Do I look like a pushover to you?”

Julian, now forced to handle his own bout of confusion, shook his head, strangely unable to keep himself from smiling. “No.”

“Do I appear to be someone who cannot stand her ground?”

“No.”

Anna leaned forward, her gaze alight with persistence. “Do I seem like the sort of person who will cower before you?”

Julian’s smile refused to diminish, now obvious as he shook his head, feeling strangely excited as he replied,

“No, my dear.”

Anna huffed, holding her hands out, her cheeks turning pink when he held onto them gently.

“Then you should stay. The possibility of making mistakes doesn’t immediately equate that I will be hurt by you.

We’re only human – mistakes are inevitable.

And I would have expected that you would know by now that I would not merely stand by, mute and still, as I am treated unfairly.

” She told him, looking as though she was exasperated by the mere idea of having to explain all of this to him.

Julian hummed, trying not to show that his heart was beating out of control in anticipation within him.

“That is true. You have always been so vocal during our fights and stood your ground on all that you wanted. I wonder what I was thinking,” he mused quietly with a smirk.

“I am of the opinion that perhaps you were thinking far too much and perhaps not enough at the same time,” she blushed deeply, shifting her gaze away momentarily.

“What I wanted to ensure that you knew was that I wouldn’t be disrespected or hurt so easily.

I know what happened to your mother has left you with deep wounds, and I understand that a lot of your reluctance was due to the fact that you wanted to protect me from the fate she had suffered.

But you are not your father, Julian. You have carried those memories around so closely to yourself and used them as an excuse to keep yourself from truly living the life you are deserving of.

It is the same as picking at the scabs of those wounds within you, preventing them from being healed properly,” Anna pointed out, shuffling closer to him.

She reached out slowly with one of her hands, her eyes searching his for something as her fingers met his hair, patting the messy curls with an affectionate expression.

“You are much more than your past, my dear husband. Much more than your father’s cruelty and your mother’s pain.

You are not walking the same path that they did.

So you do not need to deny yourself the good things that you are deserving of, in fear of committing sins that were never yours to bear.

Yes, you have hurt me before, but it was not intentional.

I did not appreciate you telling me that it was for my benefit either, but I understand that you were only trying to protect me.

Henceforth, bring such worries to me. If we nip concerns like these in the bud, they will have no time to grow out of control.

You are my husband, Julian. And I love you, with everything within me.

It is a tad daunting, but I trust you and your love for me.

All I ask is that you trust me, too. We might inevitably cause each other pain, because we’re human.

But if we stay together and grow past it, I believe that we will get through whatever lies ahead of us together. ”

Her touch and her words filled him with reassurance, and somehow tripled the love he had for her. Julian surged upwards, catching her off guard with a kiss, sighing when she kissed him back with fervor, her hands braced at the back of his neck.