Page 33

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

J ulian sat there, his heart hammering so loudly within his chest, that it sounded as though it echoed in his room.

His body had already lost the warmth they had garnered together and his arms missed her already. Still, all he could do was watch her leave, his mind replaying her confession over and over in his mind.

Julian had suspected it… he had an inkling that perhaps she wanted him to stay. But the idea of trying to linger within the walls that reminded him of the only marriage he had ever truly witnessed and its inevitable destruction made him choke with fear.

But Anna, his darling, brave wife must have known that. She certainly knew that he had his reservations about marriage, but still… she wanted him despite that. And she had made it known, how deeply she felt for him.

The idea was a fairytale, in and of itself. It was easy to imagine a life like that, one in which he would find happiness right here, by her side, as their children surrounded them. Anna would certainly make a wonderful mother and she deserved to prove herself with as many children as she wanted.

He, on the other hand, would certainly make mistakes. Julian was aware of his cynicism, his lack of emotional understanding, as well as the obvious distrust he had in himself.

“It is better this way,” he whispered, long after she had left. “She will be much happier without me.”

The duke did what he could to settle down and sleep, ignoring how cold the sheets felt now that Anna wasn’t by his side. But no matter how long he waited, the rest did not find him. His anxiety only grew, as did the fog of conflict in his mind.

He missed his wife already and he considered seeking her out, but the image of her heartbroken expression in his mind kept him away.

He had already hurt her and he didn’t want to cause her any more harm.

She deserved better than he had ever given her, and he could only hope that she could forgive him someday.

He was meant to leave in the morning, anyway. There was no point in going to her if he still hadn’t changed his plans, even though his chest constricted at the very thought of him being away from her in a matter of hours.

Still, the unrest persisted, and he began to wonder what he should do about it.

With a gruff sigh, he rose out of bed and put on some clothes, grabbing his coat as he left his room. He headed to the stable to grab a horse and soon he was riding off the property, with a singular destination in mind.

The wind against his face helped clear his mind a little but the storm in his chest persisted, bearing a weight that made it difficult for him to breathe.

Soon, he arrived at a familiar house, dropping off his horse and onto his feet with practiced ease, walking up to the door to knock.

“ – at this blasted hour? Were you expecting anyone?” he heard someone ask.

“No one I can think of,” Lysander grunted as he flung the door open, his eyes widening at the sight of Julian. “Well, look what we have here! It’s your high and mighty brother!”

Seth appeared in the hallway, carrying a half-full glass of scotch, most of which he lost as he threw up his hands in glee at the sight of Julian.

“Brother! Have you come to celebrate with us? You said you wouldn’t, yet here you are!” Seth chuckled and pointed at him. “Have you always been this fickle?”

Julian was not surprised to see his brother drunk already, after all, this was a gathering that was meant to celebrate his upcoming marriage.

It was, in and of itself, a deed worthy of a celebration, as it could not have been an easy feat, given their upbringing.

This was why Julian had come to see his brother, in hopes of acquiring some understanding.

“I don’t think so,” Julian shook his head. “But lately, something in me has changed and I have begun to second guess every single decision I take and it makes me sick.”

Lysander took a look at him and sighed.

“Love woes. Come on in, friend. You are in the right place. Seth, pour him a glass.”

Julian walked inside the house, letting Lysander lead him to the parlor. Once a glass of scotch was in his hand, he downed its contents and held it back out for it to be refilled.

“You must really be burdened,” Lysander noted.

“My wife loves me,” Julian stated.

“Should congratulations be in order? Is she waiting for you to catch up? You’ve always been rather slow when it comes to these sorts of things, so I understand that she is likely frustrated with you. Poor duchess.”

Julian glared at him. “She isn’t waiting for me. I told her I could not stay. I am to leave, first thing in the morning.”

“You have made up your mind then. So what is the problem?” Seth questioned, frowning as he tried to understand what had his brother so distraught.

“I… I do not want to leave. I realized that I love her as well, but I worry that I might not be a suitable husband for her. Caring for Nicholas reminded her of the loneliness she had endured in my absence, and she expressed to me that she wanted a child. Tonight, she told me that she had said that in hopes that I would stay to raise the child with her. And I – I couldn’t give her that.

I want to, with everything that is within me.

I hate to see her upset, but I cannot seem to push myself in the direction of what she wants.

I will not be a good husband to her. I do not know how.

And I have expressed that to her but she wants me regardless, and no matter how I try, I keep refusing. And it makes me angry.”

Admitting so much made Julian feel as though he had cut open a hole in his chest.

His father had been cruel, especially to his mother. To Julian, he had been firm and commanding, to shape him up into the duke he was meant to be, whereas Seth was mostly ignored.

Their mother had loved them all, begging their father to stay and love the family they’d had together.

But his father had ignored her, up until she died of heartbreak.

And Julian could only feel sorrow whenever he thought of love.

The idea of a woman giving herself wholly to him, without the possibility of him doing the same in return was a daunting thought.

So he had resolved never to marry, hoping that he would never be in a position to destroy another’s life the way his father had destroyed his mother.

But then Anna walked into that room. She had tested him and tempted him. Even after they had gotten married and he left, his return informed him that the spark he had felt in his blood because of her had not died down at all. And now, she was ready to be his, in every sense of the word.

Still, he couldn’t break the values he had created for himself because of her.

“How did you do it?” he asked his brother. “You also swore to never love. And yet, here you are, so eager to wed and be a family with the mother of your child. How did you find the courage to do it? How did you change your mind?”

Seth had a look on his face that Julian had never seen before. Almost pitying, but also understanding, as he smiled and refilled Julian’s empty glass.

“I realized that we had a singular idea of what love was and it was the wrong kind.

But the truth is, no love is perfect. There is no set way to love.

With Marjorie, I made many mistakes. I ran away from her, I dismissed her affection and I hurt her.

I still cannot fathom how alone and scared she felt while she carried Nicholas when she bore him, and when she left him at your doorstep.

If I were in her shoes, I might have long since given up on myself.

But she did not. Somehow we found each other again, despite it all and I am determined to make things right.

I am not going to forget all the transgressions that happened in the past, but instead use them to guide me to lead a better life, for myself, my bride, and our child.

That is what we need to do, Julian. Learn from our mistakes.

“The fact that you are upset about your inability to cave into your desire to give your wife what she wants – which is also what you want – tells me you are already on your way there. You need to learn. Learn from the mistakes of others – like mine. Learn from your mistakes and our father’s mistakes.

I do not plan on repeating any of them, and I know that neither are you.

What you need to do is give yourself an honest chance to try and be better. ” Seth told him genuinely.

This side of maturity was one that Julian never believed his brother had. It showed that Julian never truly saw Seth for all that he could be, still stuck with the vision of inferiority their father had pulled over them.

But Seth had chosen to be strong in his own way and was now marching forward, towards a better life, wanting to spend the rest of his life not running from the family he had been born into, but rather finding peace with the one he would create with the love of his life.

And Julian wondered for a moment if he could do that. If he could trust himself to love Anna and their children. If he could stay and let himself revel in the simple, glorious things like the laugh of their children, and the first steps and the first words they would utter.

He wanted all of that so much, but the possibility of making mistakes still lingered above him, tainting his hope with fear.

“Is it really that easy? To leave behind all the mistakes in the past?” Julian wondered out loud.

“Of course not. Nothing in this life is easy. What matters are your intentions. I have no desire to repeat any of the mistakes I’ve made. None of mine, and absolutely none of the ones our terrible father made. I will keep trying with every breath I take.” Seth said fiercely.

“Sometimes we cannot control who we are,” Julian couldn’t help but point out.

Lysander laughed then, raising his glass in a toast towards Julian.

“Then you have nothing to worry about. If there is one person I know who has immense control over his actions, it is you. You are nothing like your father, and if you will it, you will never be like him.”

All at once, it dawned on Julian.

He had tried his whole life to be set apart from his father. He had worked to be respected, and responsible and to stand as a man of honor. He kept himself away from anything that would tarnish his name, determined to be the very opposite of the man who bore him.

And because his heart had wanted Anna, he had done what he could to keep her safe from his past, while subconsciously loving her all the while.

There had been no possibility of him being anything like his father from the start. And there never will be.

Quickly, he downed the rest of the contents in his glass and rose to his feet, heading to the door.

“Where are you going now, you crazy bastard?” Lysander asked, as though he did not know.

Still, it felt good to Julian to turn around and say,

“Back to my wife.”