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CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“ B reakfast has been served, Your Grace.”

Anna nodded and waved Ellen away, seeking a moment more to gather her thoughts.

She couldn’t bear to face her husband just yet, not without begging the flush in her cheeks to dissipate.

Anna could never seem to control herself around her husband anymore, constantly overcome with filthy thoughts of what she wished he would do to her, how she desired to be claimed and it was starting to become rather bothersome.

Eventually, she worked up enough courage to leave her room, giving one lady precautionary glance at her reflection, satisfied with how she looked.

She had never thought of dressing up with her husband in mind, but she could scarcely forget the sweet nothings he had whispering into her ear while she was on the brink of falling asleep. And it made her want to stand proudly — or shyly — as the vision he had told her she was.

Her efforts were rewarded when she walked into the dining hall and his gaze snapped to her immediately, his eyes instantly tinged with hints of shock and delight.

“My, my, duchess,” he murmured, his voice sounding like a purr to her ears. “What an honor it is to have you join me this morning.”

Anna fought the urge to curse at her existence as she settled down in a chair that faced his, just then realizing that she seemed to always be nervous in his presence.

“Good morning, Your Grace.” Anna greeted cordially.

“Surely, we’ve gotten past such bland formalities by now. Have we not, wife?” Julian teased; his lips pulled into a self-satisfied smirk.

Anna’s hands twitched over the silverware and she sighed.

“If you insist, husband.”

Julian shrugged, as though he knew there was no point pushing to attain anything more than what she had given.

“Good morning, duchess. Did you sleep well?”

Anna had just taken a sip of tea then and choked on the liquid, coughing into a napkin.

She had woken up alone, feeling strangely satisfied and still somehow in need of more of what her husband seemed all too willing to give her. It had worked her up into a frenzy that had taken her a little while to overcome and pull herself together.

She could still vividly feel him mouthing at her like a starved animal, had dreamt of him taking her over the desk he had punished her on before, over and over until she had lost her voice from screaming his name.

And now, the man had the gall to ask her if she had slept well.

“Very well, thank you.” She expressed through gritted teeth.

“Lovely,” he smiled, wiping away a dollop of jam that dangled on the crust of his toast with a finger, then polishing it off with a swipe of his tongue.

Anna swallowed, suddenly feeling hot.

“You… you talk a lot about propriety and yet, you have no qualms being so vulgar – at breakfast of all places,” she complained, feeling petulant and childish.

Still, her disapproval appeared to have an effect on him because his smirk took on a softer edge and he shook his head.

“Fine, fine. I’ll behave.”

“Duke,” she glared.

“Eat your breakfast, duchess. We have much to discuss.” He prompted innocently.

Anna continued to scowl at him, even as she picked at her eggs, a part of her curious about what it was they needed to discuss. Julian seemed as though he wanted to drag it out as long as possible, making a show of biting into his toast and chewing slowly, before taking a small sip of his coffee.

Just as Anna felt as though she was about to burst, he spoke up.

“I am getting closer to find Nicholas’ parents. It was a little tricky at first, but do not feel as though I am doing nothing to make things right. Any day now, they will both be summoned to answer for their sins.”

“Oh,” Anna said, feeling a little strange. “I do not know if I would call it a sin. We do not know why they abandoned him. Perhaps they were struggling to care for him and whatever other children they might have. Or –”

“Somehow, I doubt that is the case. But whatever their excuse might be, the bottom line remains that he is their responsibility and theirs to care for. We can only do our best to ensure his well-being is sorted out at the moment, but we cannot do it forever.” Julian reasoned.

Anna knew her husband was right. His words were sensible, she understood that much, but still, her heart felt unsettled after hearing how dismissive he was about Nicholas. It was as though the child was merely a passing guest and not a being whose heart had once beat in sync with Anna’s.

“All right. Thank you… for trying to find his family still.”

Julian nodded sagely, stirring his tea lightly.

“The other thing is that our presence is required at a ball tomorrow night. Now that I have returned, we need to be seen together attending more social events. Would you like me to send for the modiste to make you a dress for the occasion quickly?”

Anna stared at him, waiting for his question to be retracted, feeling offended when he stared back cluelessly.

“I have plenty dresses already,” she retorted, annoyed. “Many of which I am certain would be suitable for tomorrow’s event and many others, but never got to see the light of day because you decided to abandon me after our wedding night.”

The words were out before she realized what she had intended to say and she stared at him, waiting with bated breath for his response. Instead of getting angry like she expected, Julian seemed unaffected by her insult.

“Well then, I am glad that you are prepared for the challenge. That is one less problem for me to be concerned about.” He stated, shifting his gaze down to what was left of his breakfast.

Anna felt her blood run cold.

“Do you really see nothing wrong with it? What you did? Just because we appear to have gained some sense of cordiality between us doesn’t necessarily fix how I felt when you left me.

You didn’t regard me as a person with how you dismissed me and my concerns and encouraged me to have lovers in your absence.

How could you be so cruel?” she asked, her voice shaky and heavy with emotion.

Julian sighed and pushed his plate away, his tone leveled as he questioned in turn,

“Would you have preferred the alternative? Living with a stranger and giving up the freedom you apparently craved? Would that have been a much more preferable life for you?”

His words stunned her, confusing her mind a tad because it wasn’t possible. Julian wouldn’t have left his house for her. He never could have done it, not without knowing the events that would have followed to ensure that Anna chose to spend her days within her home, having the time of her life.

And yet –

“Did you… is that why you left?” she voiced, quiet and reluctant.

Julian looked as though he would rather chew on broken glass than have that conversation. But despite the purposeful look of irritation on his face, moments later a sincere expression settled upon him and he said,

“Truthfully… neither of us wanted this marriage. We wanted very different things in life and that much was clear from the first moment we met. You had your own aspirations and ideal about marriage and I had no desire to get married. Even when I asked for your hand, I had no plans of actually being a husband. Like I had said, I was never going to marry, so this worked out for us splendidly. I… I know how all marriages end, so my distance was an attempt to protect us both from the inevitable.”

His words and mannerisms were strange and Anna wanted to understand what they meant, but before she could raise any questions, he said,

“Another of the nursemaids your sister recommended will be arriving this evening. You should get ready to receive her.”

Then he rose to his feet and walked away, leaving her feeling confused and strangely lonely.

In the evening, a Miss Eloise Michaleson arrived at the estate.

Anna recalled her name because Leah had been particular about her, offering nothing but praises for the nursemaid’s character and work ethic. Only when the duchess had gone into the room where she had been waiting, she met a younger face than she had been expecting.

“Your Grace, it is an honor to meet you.” The girl greeted with a smile.

She did not have Katherine’s boisterous mannerisms, but she made up for it in her gentleness and thoughtful words and responses. Despite her young age, Eloise appeared to be seasoned in many skills and crafts and told Anna that she even knew how to make clothes for infants and older children.

“That is brilliant. We have been looking for a way to get him more clothes. Some of the maids have been trying their best, but there is always something a little wrong with them. They mean well, but they overestimate the size of his head sometimes.” Anna sighed, smiling when the girl giggled.

“A common mistake. Which is why very young children are recommended to wear attires with buttons on them. They are much easier to put together,” Eloise said.

“That sounds brilliant. He does have a large number of knitted hats, stockings and gloves, but the rest of his clothes are of questionable character.” Anna felt the need to point out.

“Perhaps I could take a look at them and fix them for you. Sometimes, all one needs is a good pair of shears, some more fabric and a threaded needle and you can work wonders out of clothes you think are ruined.” Eloise offered.

Anna had barely spoken to her for an hour but she felt immensely at ease with the nursemaid. She still wondered if it was all right to fully trust her with the nature of Nicholas’ origin, but ultimately, because Eloise had come highly recommended from Leah, Anna thought it was going to be fine.

“Would you like to meet him? Nicholas?”

Eloise’s eyes brightened almost instantly and she nodded.

“Absolutely.”

The girl was utterly smitten with him from the moment she lay her eyes on him.

Nicholas stared up at them, his eyes wide and curious as he observed the stranger that had accompanied his guardian.

Eloise cooed at him and wriggled her fingers slowly at him, making him giggle as he reached out to hold her hand.

“Would it be all right if I held him? Eloise asked eagerly.

“Of course,” Anna agreed, fighting the reluctance in her bones as the nursemaid carefully lifted him out of the cradle.

“Aren’t you a precious darling? Good evening, Lord Harrow. My name is Miss Eloise and it is a pleasure to meet you.” Eloise greeted, beaming happily when Nicholas made no fuss and expressed no discomfort.

“That’s not his name.” Anna said suddenly, unable to take her eyes off of the little boy she had come to adore over a short period of time.

“I-I beg your pardon?”

The duchess swallowed, reaching out to stroke his hair softly, her heart clenching within her painfully.

“He’s not my son. He was abandoned at the doorstep of the house a few weeks ago.

I have been taking care of him ever since.

And I was unsure of whether or not I was doing the right thing, so I asked my sister what I should do and she suggested that I find a nursemaid to assist me.

My maids and I have truly tried our very best and we are looking for his parents – and some might say I did not need to go so far.

But I do not think so. He is so lovely, so innocent and undeserving of the hurt and fear he felt when he was abandoned.

And I just can’t help but want to give him everything I can. Is that… strange?”

Eloise shook her head immediately, cradling Nicholas to her chest.

“Not at all. What it tells me is that you have a kind and loving heart. You have treated him like you would any of your children, when you become a mother. And wanting a little bit of help is a good thing. Many people would choose their pride over getting some much-needed assistance but you have tried your hardest to ensure that he is properly taken care of and that is remarkable, in and of itself. Do not trouble yourself with thoughts that only want to tire you out. You have done quite well thus far, Your Grace.” She assured Anna gently.

Anna watched the nursemaid carry the baby for a little bit and then she spoke up, her tone sounding almost far away as though she wasn’t speaking about herself.

“Sometimes I wonder if I was so adamant to care for him and adore him because I had spent months before his arrival feeling lonely. My husband and I had gotten married as a way to save our reputations and hours after the ceremony, he left me all by myself – with just a few staff – and went to live separately in the country. And at first, I liked it. I enjoyed the freedom and my maids kept me company. But as the time passed and the days remained the exact same, I started to feel stifled by the freedom I had once desired. Even though I appreciated it… I still wished I could have had my husband around. I hated him for abandoning me. I think I still do, but … I wish I had gotten to know him and we had some sort of friendship. Then perhaps it wouldn’t feel as though I’ve used someone’s child to fill the void within me. ”

Eloise was silent for a moment, but then she said, “I might not be able to help you with anything else, but you can rest assured that Nicholas is being taken care of properly. And at least, it will be one less worry for you. And I do not believe there is nothing wrong with you using others to fill in the void within yourself. As long as your affections for them are real and you are not forcing your ideals or desires on them, it is all right.”

Gently, she handed Nicholas to the duchess and he immediately clung to her, burying his face in her chest.

Anna laughed, patting his back gently as she tried to gather herself. There was a creak of wood coming from the hallway but when she turned to peer out the open door of the nursery, she did not see anyone.

Shaking it off as nothing, she smiled at Eloise kindly and told her,

“Thank you for this. And welcome to the Morland Estate. I look forward to having you as a member of my household.”

Eloise beamed happily and clapped her hands.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will ensure that you do not regret this. Thank you!”

Meanwhile, a little way down the hall, Julian was making his way farther and farther from the nursery, his heart and mind strangely heavy from what he had just heard.

And somehow, he knew he would be unable to think of much else until he had found a way to deal with it all.