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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

“ A re you all right?”

Anna looked up from her hands that were folded on her lap, surprised to see her husband standing in her bedroom. Nervously, she raised her hands to her face, sighing with relief when her fingertips came into contact with her warm and dry skin.

“Y-Yes. I’m quite all right.” She said quickly.

Julian seemed doubtful as he walked closer to her, his eyes immediately noticing the red rim around hers, even though her face was void of tears. She looked upset over something and his instincts told him things were likely more complicated than he would expect.

“Are you sure? I’m sorry if my brother upset you in some way.

He’s quite a handful, but I believe he truly means well.

I told you before, how my family barely behaved like we were related, none of us able to form close relationships because it just seemed easier to exist independently.

Seth might be a lot of things — and I would never give him unnecessary credit if it wasn’t due — but he has never meant to harm anyone.

I cannot condone his promiscuous ways, but I am certain he did not know about his child’s existence.

Even now, he can’t seem to find Nicholas’ mother, likely because he can’t imagine why anyone who would have his child would not try to make an honest man out of him with it.

I know you do not approve of him, and frankly speaking, neither do I.

But he is what Nicholas needs. If not now, ten years in the future when he needs a man he can look up to and rely on.

Seth might not be that person today, but he’s willing to try moving forward. ”

Anna inhaled shakily, her expression strangely unreadable as she asked.

“So what would you have me do?”

“Give him a chance to make things right. I know that won’t be easy with how much you’ve come to care for Nicholas, but he needs to be where he rightfully belongs.

And that is with his father. You’ve done your best and I’m sure that one day in the future, Nicholas will thank you for it. Just as Seth and I do.”

Anna was silent for a moment, and then her shoulders dropped as she she said,

“I do not think it is in my place to stand between your brother and the new journey he wants to embark on with his son. But I can’t help but feel… saddened, by the idea of having to give Nicholas away.”

Julian frowned something in his subtly inserting a light warning tone into his voice.

“But… he was never supposed to stay here forever. We agreed to look after him until his parents were found. Now that they have been —”

“I know, I know. It is not what you think it is.” Anna snapped, looking more and more tired as the time passed.

“I just… I can’t help but feel as though I am facing a great loss.

The moments I spent with Nicholas and you made me long for a family of my own.

I adore that child so much and I do understand that he was never mine to begin with, but I feel empty without him already.

Without you both. I’ve lived the last few months of my life not properly engaging in activities that would make me feel truly alive.

I was free, yes and I am grateful for the chance I was given to live comfortably without the weight and pressure of anyone’s expectations.

But I lacked fulfillment. And I do not want to go back to living an empty life.

I am married, Julian. I want to feel like a married woman, with a husband and a child to care for.

Is that such a difficult thing to want?”

Julian was silent, his gaze trained on her so intently, that she wondered if she had made a mistake by conveying her feelings. But then he dropped down onto one knee and reached for her hands, holding them gently as he said,

“If a child is what you want, I can give one to you. I understand that you have grown attached to Nicholas and I do not blame you, nor do I see your actions as anything to look down on. You are a woman and it is only natural that you wish to nurture a child of your own, after spending so much time nurturing another for the sake of his survival. You have done so much, and if what you desire is a child of your own, then I will give one to you. That way, you will not be alone in my absence.”

Anna’s face held an expression of shock.

Julian knew his words were a little audacious, but this was the only thing he could offer as a solution to her.

He knew what she desired, what she was truly asking for but he couldn’t give that to her.

He had already risked their well-being greatly enough with his stay here.

It was time to put an end to this charade.

“I-In your absence? But, Julian —”

“I cannot stay, love,” he told her, his tone soft as his words ripped through her heart. “When all this is over, I intend to return back to my estate in Bath where I lived until now and that is something that cannot change. But, I will give you a child, just like you want before I depart.”

When he was met with silence, Julian rose to his feet, reaching out to stroke her cheek gently as he urged,

“You may take some time and think about it. Let me know when you have made a decision.”

Then, he walked out of the room, leaving Anna lost in her thoughts.

She had thought he would hear and understand what she was saying clearly and had hoped that she could convince him to stay.

But he seemed so intent on leaving her, and for some reason, it hurt a lot more than she could’ve predicted that it would.

She felt overcome with a sense of inferiority, as though she had failed to keep his attention as his wife.

“Things had been going so well though…” she mused quietly.

When she had seen Julian attentively instruct his brother on how to hold Nicholas, she believed without a doubt that he would make a wonderful father. He was clearly fond of Nicholas, despite how strongly he argued that the child was a responsibility only the ones who bore him should handle.

But… why was he so determined to keep her at arm's length and deny himself of things that would give them both a sense of fulfillment?

Anna thought of how caring he had been towards her lately, how gentle all his touches were, and how sweet his words had been. And she had started to believe that perhaps he loved her as well.

The last thought caused her to go perfectly still. When had she begun to consider his affections as love? When did she start to think that it was a possibility for them?

Anna thought of the times she had wanted to talk with him, the times she had wished his touches lingered for a moment longer, and how her heart could never be calm in his presence. And suddenly, it was quite clear what had happened.

She had fallen in love with him, a man who had no desire to love her back.

Anna felt more devastated than she had been earlier, now that she understood just how deeply her feelings for him ran, and she couldn’t help but think that his offer had some merit to it.

“Perhaps I should accept it,” she whispered to herself, clutching to the sheets of her bed as tears filled her eyes and streamed down her face. “After all, that is the only part of himself he is willing to give.”

Julian had thought that his offer would have given Anna some peace of mind, but it seemed as though he had upset her even more.

The days that followed Seth’s visit found him strangely alone as Anna avoided him intently. He had assumed that he had imagined it at first, accepting all her excuses of exhaustion she had sent to him through a maid when she was absent at the dining hall for meals.

But then Julian noticed she was not in the places he could usually find her whenever he wished to catch a glimpse of her. Anna had gone nowhere near the garden, or the library, or even the sunroom that had the piano she loved to tinker with if she were in the mood.

Whenever he asked, he was told that,

“Her Grace is looking after Nicholas. He seems rather attached to her lately and won’t let anyone else feed him.”

Feeding, baths, and even naps now required all of Anna’s attention, much to Julian’s frustration.

Eventually, he’d had enough and went into the nursery to inquire about her well-being. Although the maids had assured him she was taking all her meals, he wanted to ensure that she wasn’t putting herself under pressure to bend to the child’s whims.

She was seated in the same rocking chair that she had been in when Seth came to see Nicholas, the little boy lying on his back on her lap, his hands in hers as he kicked his feet in the air happily.

Julian watched them for a moment, amazed not for the first time by how easily Anna had adapted to the motherhood role.

She deserved to have a child of her own to dote on and adore, just as she had with Nicholas.

Julian wanted to give her what she needed and more and he despised the fact that he knew there was only so much he could do for her that didn’t require him to compromise his values.

“Do you need something, husband?”

Julian blinked, startled to attention by her sudden remark.

“No, I just… I only wanted to see you. And Nicholas. How are you? You both?”

Anna glanced up at him with a curious expression, then dropped her gaze back onto the child she was holding.

“Fine. We both are fine.”

“That’s good.” Julian cleared his throat.

Anna hummed, gently running her hand up and down Nicholas’ chest, smiling down at the boy before she began to undo the buttons of his shirt.

“Unless you needed something, Your Grace, I was just about to give Nicholas a bath, so —”

“I can help,” he said quickly. “If you do not mind my presence. And I thought we’d lost all the formalities between us, Anna.”

To his surprise, Anna simply shrugged.

“It is hard to know exactly what you want, husband. Sometimes it feels as though you cannot bear the thought of being apart from me and other times, you seem to prefer keeping me at arm's length. Guessing your preferences is far too tasking for me to commit to daily.”

Julian felt as though he had strangely been scolded and he sighed, hating the distance and discord that had somehow bloomed between them in the last few days.

“You call me by my name. I like the sound of my name as it falls from your lips.” Julian allowed himself to admit, just this once.

Anna blushed and sighed.

“Fine. You may help me with Nicholas’ bath.”

Julian stepped further into the room and held a hand out to her when he reached the chair.

“Just tell me what to do. I am at your beck and call, Anna.”

It turned out to be a more hectic activity than Julian had predicted because Nicholas loved to play in the water, so he eagerly splashed around the tub, giggling as Anna tried to lather him up with a gentle-smelling soap.

“I need to rinse his hair. Please hold him still.” Anna told Julian, letting his hands replace hers around Nicholas’ waist.

Julian did his best as Anna slowly poured water over his head, putting a hand over his eyes gently to ensure no soap suds got in the child’s eyes.

For a moment, Julian forgot his struggles with the child he had an inkling was trying to drown him and fixated his attention on the gentle way Anna was speaking to Nicholas, praising him for behaving well and cheering for him when he managed to burst a bubble that had been floating towards his face.

And a sense of loss struck him suddenly.

If this was what Anna would be like with their child, would he really want to miss these sights? Was he willing to trade the view of her working hard to ensure their child was comfortable and safe, simply because he still didn’t believe marriages were destined to prevail?

The longer he thought about it, the larger the discomfort in his chest grew.

“Ah — Julian! Focus, please!”

Julian brought his attention back to what was taking place just in time for a splash of water to hit him in the face. He sputtered, lowering his gaze to Nicholas who dared to look like the very picture of good behavior, squealing as Julian tickled him.

“You are a menace. Do not grow up to be bothersome like your father,” he scolded the boy without heat, gently patting Nicholas’ hair.

Anna watched the interaction with an odd look on her face and when Julian sat back, she reached out with a cloth to gently dab at the drops of water on his face.

“There’s nothing I can do about your hair,” she said quietly, pulling her hand away.

Julian caught her before she got too far, bringing her hand to his lips to press a kiss to the inside of her wrist.

“Thank you, Anna,” he told her with a smile, disappointed when she managed to escape his grasp.

“Have you given my offer any thought?” He asked her quietly as he wrapped Nicholas in a sheet and lifted him out of the bathtub.

Anna hesitated as she gathered the oils she intended to rub over Nicholas’ skin before she shook her head.

“I still haven’t decided yet. A child is a big responsibility and the circumstances surrounding ours aren’t ideal.”

Julian frowned, a little confused.

“What do you mean —”

“Pardon me, Your Graces. There is someone here to see you,” Ellen announced, walking into the nursery.

Julian felt as though it was very crucial that he hear what Anna and to say at that moment so he waved a hand in the maid’s direction.

“Later. Neither of us is expecting a guest and since they did not follow proper etiquette to call ahead, they can wait.” He stated.

The Duke expected her to scurry away, but instead, she lingered by the door, wringing her apron in her hands as her eyes settled on Nicholas for a moment.

“You see, Your Grace… the woman… she claims to be Nicholas’ mother.”