I’ve Been Looking for You

“ D o you remember when I was four, and you brought me to Icar and Myan’s bonding ceremony, Daddy?”

River was perched on the edge of her father’s hospital bed. She held his hand, trying to ignore how much lighter it had become.

There was no response, and River tried desperately not to think about what his silence meant.

She’d checked Cyrus’s chart when she came up here after seeing Atlas and Nikhail in the driveway, and even though nothing appeared out of sorts, she couldn’t shake the feeling in her gut that something was wrong.

River wasn’t hiding from Nikhail, she reasoned with herself. More just… preparing to see him again. She had to get her thoughts in order before they talked.

She’d put it off, but the time had come to break her own heart. She’d do it today, because tomorrow belonged to Ryker and Brynleigh. She wouldn’t do anything to ruin their bonding day .

When the silence became overwhelming, River directed her attention to the frame she’d grabbed on her way in. It housed an old picture, from before the Stillness. River had been so young; her head barely reached her father’s hip.

“You drove the black convertible and kept the top down the whole way there,” she murmured, studying the snapshot of her and her father. “It’s a good thing you brought my brush, because my hair was a mess after that.”

It had been worth it, though. She’d loved sitting in the car, laughing with her father as the wind tickled their faces. Ryker had been away at school, and Tertia had been working, so she and her father had attended the bonding ceremony together.

The fae on the hospital bed was so far from the tall, smiling man in the picture that it was hard to reconcile that they were the same person. In the image, Cyrus was grinning as he held River’s hand, and he stood beside two handsome fae males dressed in black suits and matching green ties.

Icar and Myan Bloomdale, an earth and air fae, had been friends with her father for decades. The trio had met at the all-boys private academy they attended in their youth, and by all accounts, they’d become fast friends.

River’s lips creaked into a small smile as she traced the frilly pink dress she’d worn for the occasion.

“I felt like a princess the whole day,” she admitted. “Like I was in a fairytale.”

A machine beeped, the only response to her words. The silence in the room grew heavier—a thousand-pound weight pressing down, down, down on her chest. A tear slipped down her cheek, leaving behind a salty trail of pain and hurt.

The Stillness struck a few months after Icar and Myan’s bonding, and this day was one of the last memories River had of her father before he got sick .

“What’s so special about a bonding ceremony, Daddy?

” River craned up her neck to look at her father.

He was holding her hand, leading her up the steps to the Carinoc Gardens.

They were attending a special party, and he was wearing a fancy black suit and tie.

River thought her dad looked like a handsome king from her storybooks. “Why don’t they just get married?”

River’s mom and dad were married. It seemed to work for them, even though her mother wasn’t always the nicest. One day, River thought she might like to be married, too.

Maybe.

Or maybe, she’d be a princess. She really liked this dress. It swooshed and made her feel so special. This seemed like the type of thing princesses got to wear every day. They had princesses in the Four Kingdoms, right? When she got home, she’d read more stories about them.

Her father crouched, his pants wrinkling as he knelt in front of her. He took her hands in his, and when he looked at her, his expression was so full of love, it felt like her heart would burst.

“My darling girl.” Daddy always called her that, and it made her feel like she was his entire world. “Sometimes, a fae will find a partner that’s special.”

River frowned, her brows knitting together. “Special like what you and Mommy have?”

Even though her mother was kind of mean, Daddy seemed to love her. And that… well, that seemed nice of him.

“Even more special. Sometimes, a fae will feel a call deep inside.” Her father placed a hand on his chest, rubbing in a circle.

“Here, in their soul. And sometimes, when they feel that special connection, they’ll want to do something to commemorate that special feeling. Something that will last forever.”

“Oh.” Those were a lot of big words, and River paused, processing them. “Okay.” She peered up at him, her brows furrowed. “But they do love each other, right?”

That seemed extra important.

Laughing, Cyrus rose to his feet and led her inside. “Yes, my darling girl. Icar and Myan love each other so very much.”

And later that day, when River sat on her father’s knee and watched as the earth and air fae stood beneath the floral bower, clasping each other’s hands and making vows in Ancient Fae, she knew her father was right.

A bonding was deeper than a marriage, and these men loved each other deeply.

With a shuddering breath, River returned to the present. She ran her thumb down the translucent skin of her father’s hand, the light, papery quality causing her heart to squeeze.

It was just like Mrs. Valois’s had been before…

No.

River refused to allow that train of thought to continue. She would not think about those similarities because her father would heal. He had to. The alternative was too dark to think about, too awful to even consider.

“Ryker and Brynleigh are going to bond tomorrow, Daddy.” She adjusted her father’s pillow, fluffing it behind his head. “They’re already married, as you know, but this is more.”

She paused for a response that never came.

“I know he wishes you could be there. You’ll be sorely missed.” Another tear ran down her cheek, and she sucked in a shaky breath, turning her attention to her father’s blanket. She smoothed it out, talking while she worked.

“Do you remember what we were chatting about before, when you were awake? About my… Nik.” She rubbed a wrinkle near his feet, tucking him in so he’d stay warm. “He’s he re, and I… I have to tell him the whole story. About me. The things I’ve done.”

The machine by her father’s head chirped steadily.

“He’s been so kind to me, Daddy, but I’m not good for him.

” Her magic pulsed in her veins, and she settled back in her seat.

“I don’t think I’m good for anyone. Not like this, not when I’m so dangerous.

I know you don’t think I’m cursed, but the problem is, there’s too much magic. I’m scared of what I might do.”

She reached for her neck, running her fingers over the smooth water drop. “I want him, Daddy.” The hushed confession was as loud as a roar of thunder in this too-silent room. “I want him, but I can’t have him. I’m afraid that I’ll hurt him, and if I do, I won’t be able to live with myself.”

Living with the consequences of the darkness running through her veins had never hurt as much as it did now.

River stayed there, holding her father’s hand and pouring out her heart, until a knock at the door pulled her from her thoughts.

“I’m here to administer your father’s evening dose,” Serena said, standing in the doorway.

Wiping away the tears that had started flowing down her cheeks at some point, River nodded and rose to her feet.

“You’ll keep an eye on him?” she asked as Serena administered several shots.

“Of course.” The nurse smiled, an expression that River recognized from work. It was a look of pity mixed with understanding, and gods, River hated being on the receiving end of it. “I’ll let you know if there’s any change in his condition.”

“Thank you.” Placing the picture of Icar and Myan’s bonding on the nightstand, River bent and brushed her lips over her father’s forehead. Cold. He was so, so cold .

“I love you, Daddy,” she whispered.

This time, the silence seemed heavier than before. River drifted to the door, gripping the frame as she stared at her father. Drinking in the sight of him…

Committing him to memory.

Even though she was actively trying to forget what happened to Mrs. Valois while also ignoring the fact that the Stillness had no cure, she couldn’t do it. Not entirely.

River felt like she was moments away from curling up in a ball and crying for hours. She should move because her magic was becoming more tumultuous with each passing minute, but she couldn’t make herself leave her father.

Minutes passed before the air shifted. She sensed Nikhail’s powerful presence before his steady footsteps reached her, and her magic calmed as the scent of almond and cedar washed over her.

A hand landed on her shoulder. Warm, but not hot. Firm, but not tight. Steadying.

Without meaning to, she leaned over and pressed her cheek against Nikhail’s hand.

His warmth ran through her, his touch grounding her in a way that nothing had since the Winter Solstice.

River was so focused on how good his touch felt that she didn’t fight him as he wrapped his other arm around her.

Wordlessly, Nikhail pulled her away from her father’s room and down the hall. Tucking them into an alcove, he drew her against his chest. River’s arms dangled at her side, but she allowed herself the comfort of resting her forehead against his beating heart.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew they shouldn’t be doing this. Standing in the hallway where anyone could see them—where Ryker could see them—wasn’t the smartest move. She knew that, but she couldn’t make herself move.

River had always wondered why people let themselves get caught up in bad situations.

Couldn’t they just… stop? But now that she was in one such situation, she realized it wasn’t that simple.

She knew this was unwise, but when Nikhail was comforting and sturdy and everything she wasn’t, pulling away felt impossible.

Seeing her father in this state had hurt her more than she’d realized, and now all those thoughts she’d pushed down, all those worries about his health, were rearing their ugly heads again.

A long moment passed before Nikhail’s thumb brushed her damp cheek.

“Hey, River.” His low voice was soothing as he placed his finger under her chin, lifting her head until her eyes met his. “I’ve been looking for you.”

River tried to smile, but it felt more like a watery frown. “I had to see my dad,” she explained.

Nikhail’s gaze slid to the open door down the hall, then back to her. “How is he?”

Her lip ring was cold as she chewed on it. “I… don’t know. He seems okay. The nurses say he’s okay, but… I don’t know,” she repeated, feeling helpless. “Something feels off.”

And wasn’t that just the worst part of this? The Stillness, with all its life-stealing tendencies, didn’t follow any recognizable patterns. It wasn’t predictable.

Now more than ever, River was feeling the pain of not knowing. Of wondering whether each day would be her father’s last.

“Oh, princess.” Nikhail’s arm tightened as he pulled her closer, resting his chin on top of her head. “I understand. ”

There was no space between them, no room to move. Her breasts were pressed against his chest, his arm banded around her back as he drew circles with his thumb, and his scent flooded her.

For several long moments, they shared the same air. There was nothing sexual about the way Nikhail was holding her, yet this moment felt far more intimate than the kiss in the solarium.

Their chests rose and fell in unison, and peace flooded River’s veins. For those few moments, nothing else mattered. Her magic quieted, her worries about her father dimmed, and she simply… rested in his strength.

They remained like that until the sound of crashing dishes, followed by Tertia’s stern voice, reached them.

Even though it pained her, River was the first to pull away. She glanced down at her watch. Seeing that they had an hour before the rehearsal dinner, she took a deep breath.

She’d made avoiding this conversation an art form, but she couldn’t put it off any longer.

It wasn’t fair to Nikhail to keep stringing him along.

He needed to remain untouched by her storm so he could find someone else, someone he could love the way Ryker loved Brynleigh.

They’d live a long life together, and they’d be happy.

And River? She would be alone.

Forever.

It would hurt, but she’d get over it because he would be safe.

Selfishly, she wanted to hold Nikhail’s hand one more time before he let her go forever. She wanted one more memory to cherish on long, cold nights when the curse was loud, and she was alone .

With that in mind, River slid her fingers into his and looked up at him, her heart breaking at the adoring way he gazed at her.

“Can we talk, Nikhail?”