Page 128 of Where Darkness Falls

If I can’t bring them back, how will this soul crushing guilt for the pain I brought them stop?

I still see them floating around this courtyard, telling me how I can save them.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I don’t know if I can.” The heavy weight in my chest feels like it is crushing me when I hear a small tapping in the recesses of my mind—so subtle I almost miss it.

I lay very still, hoping the tapping continues.

A moment later, I hear the light sound again, knocking against the mental wall I’ve kept up to block Saoirse.

Saoirse… She’s still here.

She has tried numerous times over the last few weeks to reach me with something that felt similar to a blast on the other side of the barrier, but she never succeeded. I wasn’t ready to let her back in. This time, she isn’t trying to force her way through my walls, instead she’s trying to soothe me with small taps of invitation.

In truth, I’ve missed her and felt as if a part of me was missing without her constant company and supervision. She may not be forthcoming with the truth, but in my heart, I know that she would if she could. She’s been with me from the beginning of this entire bloody mess, and she hasn’t wavered once. At this moment, I need her more than ever.

I take a deep breath, and I imagine the wall dissolving stone by stone. This seems to work as each layer slowly fades away. Once the barrier is gone, I feel the otherworldly, mysterious presence encompassing my mind once more.

Saoirse?I cry out.

My dear Maeva, why’s your soul so weary?she whispers.

I-I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to endure it,I admit.

Perhaps not yet, but give it time, and you will be, my dear,she promises.Trust Emyr’s training process… no matter how grueling it might be.I know he seems cruel, my dear, but his heart rings with the truth of desiring your safety. His hope is to make you formidable for what you must face.

This pressure is too much,I say.I miss my simple life in Aurelius. I miss my family and my shop. I miss the stars from the rooftop. I miss being invisible.

Saoirse sighs, and a warmth spreads through me, like the sensation of an embrace.From the time you were born, you were never meant to live a mundane life, but one that is extraordinary,she says in a motherly tone.The Maeva I knew from the time before would’ve risen to the challenge and wouldn’t have been afraid… I understand you miss what you believe that you had—the Cales were a lovely family that believed in the Na Fíréin—but that life in Aurelius is the illusion of a sweet dream, my dear. It kept you safe until the appointed time. You must stand and proudly carry this mantle. Otherwise, all will be lost if the Na Fíréin doesn’t rise.

Why me?I weep.Why must I be given the starlight ability, Saoirse? Why is my life a never-ending torment? If Siorai’s goal is to devastate me, then he’s succeeded, because I’m not sure if I’ll truly ever be whole again. I-I didn’t ask for any of this.

My dear, Siorai’s plans aren’t meant to harm you. Yes, you feel diminished for now, but the brightest embers often float away from the ashes, given the ability to set the flames anew. You’re the spark of light in the never-ending ashes of darkness, Maeva. Brokenness doesn’t mean you’re unmendable; it shows the strength it took to become whole once more,she replies.

What if it’s not enough?I ask.What if the Na Fíréin can’t bring the Cales back?

Then you will find a way to survive, to honor their memory. You deserve more than this, Maeva. You can have the stability you desire if you try,Saoirse soothes. But not if you don’t get up off this ghastly floor.

I chuckle inwardly, and I hear a soft laugh escape even from Saoirse.

I’m sorry I locked you out, Saoirse,I whisper.

All is forgiven,she promises.Now, get up! You have training. I’ll be here with you until the end.

My throat catches.

I’ll be here with you…

The relief that floods through me at not having to bear this burden all alone is reassuring. I was alone when I wandered the streets of Aurelius—lost and confused. I felt alone in a crowd of people—even when I desperately desired to be a part of their antics. Even surrounded by a loving family, I realize that I’ve always felt out of place—always waiting for the other shoe to drop. As if, somehow, I didn’t fit into their beautiful puzzle—perhaps I was never meant to.

I’m that one odd piece that never seems to fit anywhere. It’s hard to allow others to see the messiest parts of me when I feel like a mere fragment of who I used to be. Perhaps my life with them was never mine to claim, but how I desperately wish it were.

I’m not quite ready to let that go.

Since accepting the terms of this quest, I’ve tried to shoulder the burden alone—only allowing the Cadre to see glimpses of my intentions. In truth, I’ve never excelled at allowing others to assist me through all of my emotions without first backing me into a corner, yet there are those select few that seem to make it easier for me: Saoirse, Virgil, Emyr, Amelia, Cara.

I won’t crumble under this weight, nor will I allow it to drown me.

From the ashes, the embers will rise, and a fire will blaze anew.