Page 99 of Undertow

I tug at the restraints and blink back emotion of my own.

“Thisis my life, Julia.Thisis my fate. I will never ever be anything other than this. I knew the second I stepped into Undertow, I’d end up here. No matter what I do, where I go, what choices I make or don’t make, I always fucking end up here!”

End it. Please just end it. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want tobethis.

There’s nothing left of me worth saving.

Her eyes stay fixed on my hands stranded high above my head. I wonder what she’s looking at until she shifts to see the back of my left one.

Oh god.

Tears cloud her blue irises as she visually traces her favorite tattoo, the evidence she’s searching for. Proof that my reality is the lie. That the real man is trapped inside, but the truth is buried too deep to save us.

She swats the liquid away.

“In my suitcase,” I say with sudden urgency. Pieces of my soul are clawing up my throat. Tiny slivers screaming from the depths. “There’s a hidden compartment. Inside you’ll find the truth about who I am. You’ll find the part of me no one has ever seen. The part more dangerous and more deadly than anything your family can do to me.”

“The notebook,” she breathes out.

I nod, relief coursing through me. “Yes. The truth.Mytruth.”

She sucks in a breath as her eyes fill with warning. “Even if it confirms what you’re saying, it won’t change anything for them. You’re still a traitor. You’re still a McArthur spy. They won’t care why.”

I shake my head, frustrated. “I know. That’s not what this is about. I’m fucked no matter what. I just want you to have my words. It’s the only real piece of me I can give you. It’s literally all I am, Julia, and I want you to know me. I…”

Emotion thickens in my throat. Pain like I’ve never felt before.

“Please, Julia. I just need one person to know me before I’m erased. Just one fucking person.” My voice breaks. “Please.”

Tears burn down my cheeks. Salt and blood mix together in perfect harmony like they have for my entire damned life.

Her own break free as she reaches up to brush them from my face.

Her thumb moves over my bruised cheek as she searches my eyes in the silence. For the first time that I can remember, I let her look. No mask. No games. Just a broken man, damaged beyond repair. Polluted by evil I never chose.

“I loved you,” she whispers.

“I know,” I whisper back. “Being with you… It was the only time in my life I wanted to be alive.”

She chokes on a sob and clenches her eyes shut.

A scrape at the door sends her gaze back to mine in alarm.

“Read it,” I whisper. “Please,Julia.Please just give me that.”

I blink back more tears, silently begging her for this one gift.

I know I don’t deserve it after what I’ve done to her. I betrayed her more than I could ever betray another person because I destroyed something real. She should burn my wordsinstead of read them, but there’s a reason I fell in love with this woman.

The door shoves open, and she steps back to a safe distance.

“Get anything?” Adrian asks her.

Tyler hovers behind him, chewing on a fingernail.

She glances at me, and I hold my breath.

Now’s her chance for revenge. I’ve just given her the one thing that could break me. The only thing that still matters.