Page 106 of Undertow

I meet her gaze, and she reels back. My hand feels cold without her.

There’s no reason to hide anymore.

“The RLC will be at the wedding, Julia. I know they’ll be there because I’ve spent the last two-and-a-half years following their orders to infiltrate the McArthur organization to make it happen. They have no intention of partnering with theMcArthurs for control of Undertow, and they certainly have no intention of partnering with the Hartfords. They want this island for themselves. The McArthurs own me only because that’s what the RLC wanted. They sent me in and have been holding Gramps hostage to guarantee my cooperation. As long as I follow orders, he’s happy and safe in the luxury oasis they’re paying for. If I rebel or try to run away, they’ll kill him, or worse… Believe me, we’ve tried.” My voice cracks as I look away.

“You’ve tried to run away?”

Tears burn behind my eyes. Angry, frustrated tears.

“Twice, yeah,” I say quietly. “The first time, we managed five years on the run before they found us and dragged me back. The second time…”

I shudder at the memories of that empty hotel room. Waiting, waiting, waiting… for nothing.

Until, a threatening call. Vengeful arms. Months of hell on earth.

“So the McArthurs don’t know you’re with the RLC? That you’re here to hurtthem, just like they sent you to hurtus?”

I nod. “The McArthurs don’t know who I really am. I’ve been working my way up their organization for years. Doing everything they told me and being a good soldier, all on behalf of the RLC. I’ve been feeding the RLC information, performing counter missions against McArthur, whatever they tell me to do.”

“And if you don’t do what the RLC wants, they’ll hurt Gramps?”

“Yes.” I shift beneath her penetrating stare. “And if he knew what his freedom is costing me, he’d never allow it. He’d do whatever was necessary to remove their leverage and give me a better chance. He already gave up his life for me once. I won’t let him do it again.”

I wipe at the liquid in my eyes. “He’s the only person on this planet who cares about me, Julia. The only fucking person. I can’t lose him.”

Julia bites her lip, tears clouding her eyes as well.

“Not the only person,” she whispers.

I blink back at her, still in disbelief she can look at me like that after everything she’s learned. Maybe her own situation means she can understand mine in a way no one else could.

“I didn’t want to come to Undertow and seduce you in order to take down the Hartford organization,” I say. “I didn’t want to do any of the horrible things I’ve done over the last few years—my whole life, really. I don’t want to bethis. I’ve never wanted to be what I am, but it was never a choice. My name was written in blood from the day I was born. I’ve fought as much as I could, but it wasn’t enough and I can’t do this anymore. I’m telling you all of this because I don’t care about the outcome. If you believe what I’m saying and want to execute me because of it, do it. If you don’t believe me and want to execute me for that as well, I’m fine with that too. Just please don’t return me to the McArthurs and RLC control. I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t be a monster anymore.”

The tears are dripping down my cheeks now, searing bloody cuts on their punishing path.

I wince when Julia cups my cheek and forces me to look at her.

“You’re not a monster, Shaw. You can’t be a monster. Not with those breathtaking words inside you.”

My throat closes as I search infinite beauty and undeserved love. How can she see good in someone as dirty as I am?

“My name is Jonah,” I say quietly.

Her eyes go wide. “Jonah?” She gasps and goes rigid at a thought. “Jonah… as in JD, the initials on your poetry?”

I nod and lower my gaze. “I needed one thing to be real, even if no one saw it.”

With a soft sob, she leans forward and draws me against her.

“You’re not a monster, Jonah.”

I close my eyes. More tears slip down my face and burn wounds that scream otherwise.

Jonah…

I haven’t heard that name in so long.

My arms tighten around her, absorbing this moment like a last breath.