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My mind is spinning…I have a brother.
“Is Duke… Dee and John’s?”
“No. I don’t think so, anyway.”
“Wow… that’s some story. It’s crazy—almost like it was scripted for a TV show.”
“It was a wild time. Shit wasn’t so easily traceable like it is now. There was no digital surveillance. Money and woman rolled in like it was nothing. It went to all the men’s heads. The remaining men in Creed made a pact, never to let another woman bring the club down. We don’t speak her name, it’s cursed. And every year on the anniversary of her death, we ride out to the lake and have a drink in honor of Colin and John, to the brotherhood they started…”
“You celebrate Dee Dee Stanton’s death?” I ask incredulously.
“No. It’s not a celebration. More like a remembrance of who we are. What we want to be… it’s a night of solidarity. No women allowed. We drink, play cards… shoot the shit.”
“O-okay,” I look down swigging the last drops of my soda feeling sick.How can I ever come clean about who I am now? Will my brother hate me too?My mother was his father’s whore… and probably the reason his own mother left. But I want to know him. I crave having a blood relative alive. A brother? God, I want him to love me. Want him to be my family so badly. Turning away from Toad, I pretend to dig through a box. My eyes squeeze shut, my fists clench, nails digging into my palms so hard, they leave crescent marks.
I’ve backed myself into one hell of a corner. Am I selfish for wanting it all? Roger, my brother, a life here and my adoptive family back in Chicago?
With my head bowed, I make a vow and say a prayer: I will find a way. Find a way to prove to Rog what’s happening between us is real, meet my brother and have a relationship with him, and set my past free so I can claim my future.
I didn’t drive straight back to the apartment, I texted Luce that I had an errand to run. She texted back that she was binging on Netflix and Doritos and that she’d be fine. I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew that I needed to drive—needed to think—needed to feel the emotions tearing through me.
I sat in the school parking lot and brought up the town of Springdale’s website. In under three minutes I was able to access the town’s property records. It was so simple that I felt stupid for not thinking to do it before. In under ten-minutes my car rolled down the street where my brother, Duke grew up. My heart felt bruised and battered but I still managed to smile when I saw the three kids riding their bikes out front of a simple white ranch. The one my father owned and maybe the spot of my creation. One child played with a bubble wand, eyes bright with happiness as the wind picked up the bubbles high into the sky.
The cycle’s been broken. At least those kids are together and happy, I had thought as I smiled and waved through my open window.
But I still needed to drive. I found my way back to a main road and went north. I’ve become friends with a few regulars at Sassy’s over these past few weeks and when they found out I’m an avid runner they insisted I hit the trails.
Springdale’s northside is full of old logging roads that the town maintains as recreational trails. I sigh, putting my car in park. It’s a runner’s paradise. Huge evergreens grow up to the baby blue sky, towering over the trail giving it shade. Lush grass and thick moss line a riverbank at the trail’s entrance. Huge wildflowers dance in the wind. I slowly feel the fist squeezing my heart ease up a bit as I climb out of my car and become a part of nature.
The water looks so clear, so peaceful that I give in to temptation and slip my sandals off and dip my feet in. Taking my phone out of my pocket, my hands fiddle with it but I know what I need to do. It’s time I called my mother and beg for forgiveness but also seek her wisdom. I swipe, unlocking my phone noticing a new text message. Figuring it’s from Luce, I tap it open gasping at this words.
Jeff:I fucked up. Miss you. Come back home babe.
“Arghhh!” I shout, frustrated to hell. My voice echoes through the trees traveling back to me. Just when I finally meet someone else that makes my pulse race, the man I thought was it for me tries to pull me back.
How did he freakin’ know?
It’s like a curse how exes always seem to know when you’re ready to let go of the last remnants of old love.
I sink back on the riverbank, letting the rays of the sun hit my upturned face. Sighing, I hug my knees and make the call.
“Dev? Sweetie?”
“Mom,” I gulp feeling my throat thicken, “I’m sorry. Sorry, I haven’t called sooner—sorry for hurting you so much when you didn’t deserve it.”
“Hush. I’m sorry too,” she whispers. “I should’ve let you know I knew everything about Dee, years ago. I waited too long to give you her letter. It was selfish and wrong of me. You deserved to know she loved you too.”
“Yeah, but she loved the drugs more.”
“Addiction is a terrible thing, Dev. When you get in so deep, it takes too much strength to fight it. Forgive her,” she answers softly.
“I have. She gave me up and I got you as a mom.”
“Does this mean you’re ready to come home?”
My toes dig into the grass. “No. The weird thing is… I kind of love it here. I’ve made some incredible friends. I’ve met someone.”
“Oh?”