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“Why don’t you go to Boston alone?” I asked, my voice sounding broken.
He rolled his eyes at that. “Yeah, right,” he muttered.
I cringed. I could see it now. I’d let my guilt control my life so much; by being around him every possible minute of my life, I’d taken away his confidence in himself.
“Chloe, do you know how hard it is to get into MIT?”
“Yes, and I’m rightfully proud.”
“So, you expect me to go to Boston? All by myself?” he asked, his frustration building.
There had been many arguments between us when it came to his health, but so far, I’d always given in. But this time, I didn’t want to give in. I wanted him to follow his dreams alone. Had he never stopped to consider that he could manage just fine, even if those dreams led him away from me?
I was suddenly put on the spot, being made to choose between the two most important people in my life. The answer surprised me.
I was choosing Sean over Henry.
I wasn’t ready to tell Henry this just yet. About how strongly I felt for Sean. Sean needed to hear that first.
“Henry, I understand you think you need me around. This is my way of telling you that you don’t need anyone anymore. You’re very capable of doing things by yourself. Why, just last week, you drove to college.”
Of course he hadn’t realized that he didn’t need me. I couldn’t go out on a date without him needing me in the middle of it.
“Boston is five hours from here,” he said, cutting me short. “Away from you.”
I felt helpless. I didn’t know how to make him see sense. He finally had an opening, a chance for a future that would give him a stable, if not stellar, job. Why did he have to insist I be a part of it?
I nodded. “I know,” I said quietly. “I can’t move there. I’m not leaving this home because this is the place with memories of Mom and Dad,” I lied again. “Even if I wanted to, I’m not leaving it. Ever.”
That seemed to sting him the most.
“And I can’t go without you,” he said, looking frustrated. “I’ve been naive enough to think that our life would somehow change for the better in the foreseeable future. You know what? It never will. We’ll live this life again and again, growing old like this. It’s the first time this vision of my future sounds less than appealing to me. I don’t want this life ten years from now. Heck, even five years from now. I want more. I want better. And I can’t have it.”
I agreed. Only the future I saw was different from his. I wanted a family of my own and a brother who wasn’tcodependent on me. Bruce had warned me about this, and so had Sean, but I could now see it. Henry would never let me go.
“There are many times when I think it’s time we face our past and come to terms with it. But we don’t need to face our past. We’re still living in it,” he said, his voice sounding pained. “I’m turning down MIT. So, there.”
I stared at him like he was crazy. All I felt was a sort of numbness, one that seemed to spread out to my fingers. Henry would turn down any good thing just to hold tight to me. I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. Apart from a strange desire to run away, away from this apartment, him, and even from Sean, who asked things of me I couldn’t seem to give. Like a full night together. We’d been seeing each other for five months now, and I still hadn’t spent the night at his place. It was crazy.
His eyes strayed to the takeout bag by my feet, and he looked exasperated. “Let’s just have dinner,” he said.
I handed it over, and Henry took a look inside.
“Why do you always buy just one?” he asked.
“I buy only one because only you like it. Not me. It’s always been about you, Henry. And it doesn’t feel right anymore.”
At my words, he set his burger back down. I could feel disappointment radiating from him and felt ashamed. Why was I doing this? Now, Henry wouldn’t eat his dinner, and his mood would be ruined. My mood would be ruined. Just when everything was going so well.
“I’m sorry,” I added, noticing that his burger lay untouched. I didn’t want him to go hungry tonight because of this conversation. “Please eat it, Henry. I’m sorry for being so irritable.”
“We’re not talking about this again,” he said, crumpling the letter of admission up and tossing it in the bin.
Taking his plate, he rolled away to his room, shutting the door, while I stayed alone in the living room.
After a few silent minutes, I made a call to Tess, feeling conflicted. I knew what Sean would say if I were to tell him about this because Sean was biased. Tess was, too, but a little less biased than Sean.
“You know, even if it didn’t work out, I’m so proud of you for pushing Henry to do it alone,” Tess said quietly after I filled her in. “The old Chloe I knew would have never done that.”