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“I love you too,” I whispered the words I’d never said out loud. “Which is why I’m doing what I’m doing.” Then I rested my head on his chest and forced myself to sleep.
Elliot left before dawn the next morning with nothing but a quick kiss goodbye and a carefree, content smile that singed my insides.
It was a good thing he was fishing that morning, I told myself. Gave me time to prepare. Then I pushed him, guilt and regret from my mind so I could make the necessary arrangements. There was no room for error; I couldn’t let my emotions cause me to make some stupid mistake.
Once I was certain I had everything I needed, I made the rounds. First, to the bakery for the caffeine I severely needed. I shot the shit with Tina, forcing myself to behave normally even though I didn’t miss the way she squinted at me and the frown she was directing my way instead of at the espresso machine like she regularly did.
She was too fucking soulful and wise for a biker chick hard-ass, and she saw too much. Luckily, she was also smart enough not to try to probe. Nora and Fiona were both working, Rowan appearing from the back with Henry strapped to his body, sleeping soundly. All of the children in the Jupiter crew spent the first months of their lives never being put down. Even for naps. Someone—more often than not their protective fathers—was always wearing them, driving them around, holding them in capable hands. It filled my heart to see children so loved.
To see the people I loved living lives they deserved. Though I wasn’t nuts enough to say any cryptic goodbye speeches. That was bound to set off my brother’s alarm. I joked and drank coffee before heading to Avery and Kane’s house where I was assaulted by their large dog and the toddler who was holding its tail like a lead.
More coffee. More shooting the shit, more saying goodbyes in my head to the friends I’d come to treasure.
Then back to Elliot’s, to the goodbye I’d have to say out loud. Because if I did achieve everything I intended to do that day, I would have a chance of coming back to Jupiter. And if I did achieve everything I intended to do that day, I would be far too tainted to be with Elliot. He deserved someone lighter. Maybe little Blondie at the bar would finally get her in.
Though she wasn’t light, considering the death stares she shot my way whenever she could.
Whomever Elliot ended up with would be better for him than me. Although if he paired up with someone, I’d have to rethink my stance on settling in Jupiter because I doubted I could just bump into them while getting coffee in two years without clawing a perfectly innocent woman’s face off.
Cross that bridge when I came to it, I decided.
Surviving this day was my first goal.
I’d gotten to Elliot’s place already dressed in my proverbial armor, but he hadn’t arrived home yet. I was happy I’d stocked his freezer with the appropriate supplies.
I took a shot of tequila then immediately poured myself another, savoring the taste, the burn.
I wasn’t going to die sober, if in fact that was indeed where I was going. To cross the River Styx, to meet my maker, whatever lay on the other side of this.
Granted, I was going to try my level best not to die, since I wasn’t ready or brave enough to face the true eternalconsequences of my sins. Even though I didn’t believe in organized religion, and believed that hell was invented by old, white men to scare people into submission.
Hearing the crunch of tires on the driveway, I quickly rinsed my shot glass and put the tequila away.
After the door opened and closed, I was faced with something that scared me more than death, more than whatever lay afterward.
Elliot’s smile greeted me, his blue eyes bright while crossing through the living room in easy strides to pull me into his arms.
I went willingly, sinking into his warmth while trying to imprint his scent into my memory forever.
“Missed you.” He kissed the side of my neck.
“It’s been less than a day.” I rolled my eyes as he released me.
I missed him too.
He didn’t respond to my eyeroll, unless you counted grasping the back of my neck and kissing the ever-living hell out of me a response.
Again, I melted into his kiss, gladly, wishing I could lose myself forever in it.
It lasted long enough to trick me into thinking the world wasn’t dark, and there was hope for me yet.
Once I took a breath without Elliot’s tongue in my mouth, reality tasted bitter.
“You taste like tequila.” He licked his lips.
“I had a margarita with Avery to celebrate her weaning.” The lie easily spilled from me.
Elliot didn’t seem like he doubted me. I’d given him no reason to. And why would I lie about something so benign?