Page 96 of Terror at the Gates

I paused.

“What if…what ifI’mthe reason it was even in their apartment?”

“Stop,” Zahariev said, but the terror of that thought was already clawing at my throat. He took my face between his hands. “You can’t go down this road, Lilith.”

“I’ll never forgive myself, Zahariev—”

“Yeah, well,” he said, brushing my tears away. “Forgiveness is overrated. It’s just something churchgoers shove down your throat so they can beg for it when they sin.”

I gave a breathless laugh. “You’re not cynical at all.”

“It’s how we were raised, little love,” he said, dropping his hands to my shoulders. “Let’s get you home.”

He led me to the front of the apartment complex and placed a call to Felix. By that time, the cleanup crew had arrived. I wandered away from the commotion and founda spot to sit on the cold sidewalk, pulling my knees to my chest.

I jumped when I felt Zahariev drape his jacket around my shoulders. It was only then I realized I was shivering. A second later, he sat beside me, and I leaned my head against his shoulder.

“How am I supposed to do this?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Go home. How do I go back to normal?”

“No one is expecting you to go back to normal,” he said. “You go home, you sleep. You wake up in a different world. People will tell you it gets easier, but it never does. There are good days, and there are days when the pain hits like a fucking freight train.”

I swallowed around the thickness gathering in my throat. Zahariev had never talked to me about losing his father, but listening to him now, I suddenly realized how hard it must have been. Not only had he lost his father, but he’d immediately succeeded him as head of his family.

“What do you do then?” I asked, looking up at him. “When the pain hits that bad?”

Zahariev’s eyes dropped to mine.

“I just suffer through it until it’s over,” he said. “It’s just life, little love.”

“If this is life, then I don’t know that I want to live it.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? I mean it. What am I even doing, Zahariev? I came here to escape a life I can’t escape. Eventually, I will have to go home. I’ll have to marry some asshole my dad chose just so he can stick his dick in me. All women in our world are just glorified breeding machines.”

Zahariev’s jaw popped. I wasn’t sure which part he wasreacting to, but I didn’t imagine he liked being called a breeder any more than I liked being called a machine. He knew his responsibility was the same—produce heirs, carry on the line.

“Promise me something,” he said, still watching me.

“What?”

“If you ever feel like you don’t want to do this anymore…tell me. Give me the chance to bring you back.”

I wanted to kiss him.

For a brief moment, I felt like I’d never wanted anything more in my life. I found myself leaning toward him, tilting my face so our lips would meet at just the right angle.

“Lilith.”

He said my name like a warning, but it wasn’t the same as earlier when I’d felt him rock against me. This one was cold. It told me to behave.

“I’m sorry,” I said. My laugh was hollow as I turned my head away. “I almost forgot who you were.”

God, I really need sleep.