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I have no idea how long it’s been since then and now.
I have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve been stuck staring at the same four walls, and the same two faces.
My heart seems to always ache with a constant, gnawing emptiness. It’s a mix of the isolation, and the unrelenting presence of both my captors, and every day feels heavier than the last. The ache in my chest hurts, and the whispers in my mind grow louder, cruelly reminding me that nobody knows where I am.
I’m trying to wash my hands, but my fingers are now numb, almost as if they don’t belong to me any more. The water is running cold now, but even that isn’t doing anything to help.
When I feel that familiar sense of being watched, my back becomes stiff, and I immediately try to block out that feeling.
But then I hear it—the sound of Nikolai’s voice, always low, now questioning too.
“What’s wrong, darling?”
He asks, stepping closer.
I swallow hard as I turn the tap off, immediately turning around to face him.
His gaze is sharp, all-seeing, as his eyes rake over me, assessing every inch of my body as if he’s searching for some sort of hidden injury, something that might give it away. He doesn’t find anything, because the pain isn’t physical.
The weight of his gaze presses against my chest, making the ache inside me even sharper.
I want to tell him, I want to scream the words out, but one look at him has me frozen. All I can do is whisper, and I hope it’s enough for Nikolai.
“I miss them.”
I say, my voice weak.
My eyes burn with tears, and my throat becomes tight with emotion.
As his brows furrow slightly, confusion flickering in his expression, he takes a step closer towards me.
“Who do you miss?”
The tension is clear in his question.
I swallow hard as I try my best to hold it together.
It’s hard.
“My Papa…my brother…” My voice breaks as I continue speaking. “I just…I want them to know that I’m safe, Nikolai. That’s all I want.”
The silence that follows after is thick. Behind Nikolai, Mikhail steps into the bathroom too, but I don’t dare to look at him.
I can’t.
Pressing a hand to my chest, I take a deep breath in, feeling the rapid beat of my heart beneath my palm as tears threaten to fall. This is all too overwhelming; the weight of everything. The unknown. The helplessness.
“I want to go home.”
I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
I spot both their bodies tense, and for some time, they’re both silent. I’m not sure what to make of it, not sure what else I can say to make them understand, when finally, Mikhail speaks.
“You can’t go home.”
He tells me, stepping closer to us both, his words sounding more harsh than I expect.
I feel a sob bubbling up my throat.