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Fear pricks my skin, and suddenly it’s even hotter in this room than it was before. I have no idea how to word it, so I just blurt, “How do I give a blow job?” And then I quickly flop back on the bed and cover my face with my hands.
Just as I suspected, Joey giggles. “Gurl, you haven’t given that poor guy a blow job yet?”
I shake my head.
Joey lays beside me and reaches for my hand to uncover my face. “Are you scared?”
I twist my head to face her. “It’s the one thing I fear. I don’t know why, but I do. I even think about it and I want to throw up. Maybe it’s because of how vulnerable it leaves me. I have no idea.”
“Honey, that’s normal. For a long time, I didn’t either. I still struggle with doggie style.”
I giggle. Like a child.
That gets her laughing too. And then I ask, “Why do you struggle with that position?”
“Because that’s the position I was in. With a knife pressed to my neck and my head against a dirty toilet seat in a bar.”
Pain hits my chest, hard. My breath expels in a gasp. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
Joey squeezes my hand. “Yes, you should have. If we’re going to be best friends, we talk about this. Everything and anything, okay?”
I gather up the nerve to ask, “Do you do that position now?”
She nods. “Yeah, but it wasn’t until Terrell that I was comfortable enough to do it. Now it doesn’t bother me anymore. We talked about my boundaries and he was nothing but gentle and sweet.”
When you look at Terrell, you wouldn’t think there was a gentle bone in his body, but he’s a big teddy bear. I sit up, my lips trembling when I admit, “I don’t know why it bothers me because I don’t think it has anything to do with my attack. I think it’s a fear.”
“And that’s normal.”
I draw in a careful breath. “But I want to try. I’m tired of living in fear, so, how do I do it?”
Joey bites back laughter. “Well, I think this might be something you’re gonna have to talk about with Asa.”
“But I want to know what I’m doing.”
“Okay, well, have you ever had a popsicle?”
I nod.
“It’s a lot like that. You wrap your lips around it and suck on it, right?”
“No, I bite it.”
She bursts out laughing. “Guaranteed to be your last blow job if you do that.”
I flop back against the bed again. “Ugh.”
“B, it’s fine. Just do what comes naturally to you and ask him what he likes.”
“Will he tell me?”
“Pretty sure he will.”
Before I can ask more details, there’s a knock on the door. Joey turns toward the door and smiles. “Ready?”
Though I’m not, and my face is the color of a tomato, I nod. Truth is, I haven’t been ready for anything that’s happened the last year, but I keep going and push through it all.
Asa enters the room and my world shifts. Everything I’ve been fearing melts away at the sight of him. It always does. I think I’ve said it before, but my physical and emotional reactions shift completely when he’s around. He smiles, and I forget where I am. Don’t worry, you’re not stuck in some kind of cheesy romantic comedy where the woman’s sense of self-worth depends on the man. It’s deeper for me and Asa. Together we got through the worst parts of our lives, and it made us stronger.