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“The only reason I’m not your roommate there is because of Asa.” We laugh, even though it’s not funny, but it is when you know what we’ve been through. I’ve never asked her this, and I can’t help the way my voice shakes when I ask, “Did you get the test done?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t know at the time that it was a possibility. It was a small hospital and I simply went in for a cut on my neck and left. It was days later when I finally told my parents. I didn’t know the guy, and by the time I could do something about it, the test would have been inconclusive.”
I nod.
“Barrette, you’re never going to heal completely unless you step up and say to yourself, I’m ready to put this behind me.”
“Do you think I should report it?”
“I think you should do what makes you comfortable.”
I snort, blowing warm air into my hands. I breathe in, the smells of Thanksgiving all around me, and I’m really glad I’m here because at least this isn’t a tofu turkey like my parents’ cook. This turkey her parents are smoking is thirty pounds and all meat. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. “My parents made a tofu turkey once.”
Joey stares at me like I just told her Santa Clause was fake. “You poor, deprived tiny person.”
I think back to Joey’s comment about her “shock and awe” phase. “So what do you mean shock and awe?” A shiver works its way through me and Joey laughs. We go inside because she says I might die of hypothermia given my lack of body weight. Her twelve-year-old brother weighs more than me. “I understand the shock,” I go on to say, taking a seat on the couch with her. She hands me a cup of hot chocolate. “But what’s your awe?”
Joey doesn’t answer me right away, but eventually she sighs. “It’s when I accepted it wasn’t going to control me. I was angry, I hated, I had shame… but I also had love and joy, and a family who was there every step of the way. So my awe moment came when I chose to feed the side I felt more comfortable with. I got help. I saw a therapist and went to support groups. I made friends and connections, and I gave them everything I had to give because that was the side of myself I loved. I didn’t want to wake up sad, and though I still have days where the ugly wins out, I’m damn good at saying ‘fuck you, I win this time.’ Regardless of him not having a face or a name, he will not ever take anything else from me, and that includes my future.”
Her words sink in. Every single one of them. Slowly. I let them. I don’t say a word. I breathe in and smile. I think… no, I know, Asa and Joey are my awe. I hug her and tell her, “You’re my soul mate.”
“You’re my other half… quite literally. You’re like, half of me.” She looks at my too-bony legs, and then her curvy ones. “Okay, maybe I’m like three of you.”
And then we laugh and eat the best turkey in the world that’s real fucking meat.
Roman isn’t stupid. And I never knew him to be. Do you know what his major is?
Criminal justice.
His face twists, his expression guarded, and he shrugs. “I don’t know what you’re looking for, Asa.”
I step toward him, but I don’t touch him. “You know goddamn well what I’m looking for.” Every part of my being aches to hit him. I want to so bad my hands are shaking, my entire fucking body is shaking, resisting reaction. My muscles are coiled, ready to react.
I don’t.
I don’t because there’s one advantage Roman has over me, and it goes back to his major. If I so much as lay a hand on him, he can and will press charges against me. And while my mind is certainly on Barrette and finding justice for her, it’s on me as well. I have a bowl game coming up. I have a future. I’ve done my research on this for the last seventeen months. If he’s found guilty, he will go to jail. He’ll lose his scholarship. His football career? It will be over. And my personal favorite, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.
In my heart, I know without a shred of doubt he had a part in this. I don’t need this fucking evidence of his hat.
“I was in my room that night. I have three girls who will gladly testify to that.”
“Guess you better gather your witness list, huh?”
He leans in, his tone haughty and provoking. “I don’t have to gather shit because I didn’t rape her.” He snorts. “If I wanted Barrette, which we both know I could have, she’d gladly let me.” He straightens up and shoves his hands in his pockets. He watches the stages of emotions across my face. The anger, the desperate need to react, and the way I’m barely holding it together. “Oh, I see what this is. You’re just pissed off because when you came home, that virgin pussy wasn’t waiting for you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut.Don’t hit him. Don’t do it!
Swallowing over the bile rising in my throat, I force a smile when his dad comes to the door, and then Remy. My smile isn’t one of happiness. It’s one of “I caught you in your fucking lie and you’re going to pay.”
“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat?” his dad asks, wiping his hands on a napkin. “We have plenty of food here.”
“No, I was just leaving.” I pick up the hat on the ground. “I think I’ll go ahead and give this to the police. They can add it to the mound of evidence already inside that sexual assault forensic evidence.”
Roman’s dad looks to him, and then me. “What are you talking about?”
Remy gasps. “That’s why you were searching the woods the next day?” Her hand slaps over her mouth and Roman’s face pales in the process. She swallows and backs away from him. “You said it wasn’t you.”
“It wasn’t,” he growls, flexing his jaw, his sister screaming at him, demanding to know what’s going on.