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While he probably thinks I want to say hello to old friends, he has no idea what me showing up here with my boyfriend really means. I make small talk with Willa, Ricky, and a handful of others, until… until I hear his voice. I’m behind him, out of his sight, until I’m not.
He turns when Brad stands and makes his way over to me. “Look who the cat dragged in,” Brad says, enveloping me in a hug.
I smile, despite the chunks rising. Pretty sure my face looks like I’ve seen a ghost and I might spontaneously combust.
Brad notices my wavering demeanor. “You okay, kid?”
Unable to form words, I nod. I’ll remember the song playing over the speakers lining the backyard for the rest of my life. Nine Inch Nails “A Violet Fluid.”
Ironic? Probably. Do you know the first time I heard that song?
Back seat of Roan’s jet-black Chevy Nova after he snuck me out of my senior prom because I went with another boy he said didn’t deserve me. That night, under the glow of streetlights and tucked away in the shadows, with my virginity barely hanging on, he taught me how to love his way. Violent and unrelenting, a way I’m sure he still possesses today.
Unnerved by the multitudes of curiosity-stealing glances, I fight the pull to look his way, but still aware of his every movement. In my peripheral vision, he’s there, demanding to be seen.
And then my eyes betray me and I look his way, his pull too intense. In the most intimate way, our eyes meet, and I only exist for that moment. I hate it. How small it makes me feel. He’s staring, smiling, almost laughing, as if covering something up, some other emotion, something I can’t quite discern. At first thought, he’s making fun of me for showing up. Buried beneath the laughter, the vulnerability shines through and all that’s forbidden between us lives on.
Nothing touches that.
Not time.
Not others.
Electricity hums through the air, jabbing hot needles through my body with anticipation. Indifferent to the emotional roller coaster he leaves me on, Roan looks past me to the one beside me. He doesn’t say a word, tension building. A tinge of electricity in the air sets the mood as I push my hair off my shoulder. In that moment, Agustin reaches for my hand, his eyes on mine.
My hand shakes in his. I meet his careful dark eyes, kindness only he knows for a situation he will never truly understand.
Is your heart pounding like mine? If not, slide your eyes to the one burning a hole through me.Those eyes, they anchor me, solidifying what I’ve been trying to ignore.
Do you see it? Do you feel tension?
Tiller steps outside, his loud laughter booming through the air, River close behind him. “Roan, have you met Ophelia’s boyfriend?”
Tiller is the worst person in the world, as if you didn’t already know this.
My chest throbs, straining against my ribs as the anger builds. Letting go of Agustin’s hand, I clench hidden fists. Goddamn Tiller.
Roan doesn’t look up, concealing a smirk behind his hand as he runs a hand over his face. Anxious, frustrated, his knee bounces, reflecting his mood. He’s so handsome, even now, racked with anger and resentment for the words he just heard. He sweeps his hair from his eyes, raw strength to maintain indifference in every line of his face. Ignoring Agustin’s presence completely, his eyes make a pass over my body.
As much as me being here with another man feels like a betrayal, I remind myself he told me to leave. He pushed me away.
Still, I can’t blame him for being mad.
He says nothing and directs his attention toward River, who’s playing cards next to him, shirtless, with a hat on backward. She smacks his cheek. “Go fish, Uncle!”
Roan’s distracted, we’re handed drinks, and I’m supposed to sit here with the Sawyer brothers. Agustin doesn’t know any different and makes conversation with Scarlet, who’s already interrogating for every single personal detail she can dig out of him. I don’t know Scarlet very well, but if I had to guess, she’s doing this because of Roan.
Tiller stumbles over to me, sits between Agustin and me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and grins. “How’s the happy couple?”
“Tiller….” Amberly sighs, knowing exactly what he’s doing. I meet her eyes and she gives me that “I’m so sorry he’s the way he is” look.
He continues with “I’m dying to know, how’d you two meet?”
“College. I asked her to coffee.” Agustin beams, not realizing he’s only opening himself to be eaten alive. “We’ve been together ever since.”
Clearly, Agustin lives in a fairytale. Until the last six months of college, I hadn’t said anything about us being exclusive, but whatever. That’s the least of my worries at the moment. The expression on Roan’s face is all I can focus on. I’m desperately trying to dissect every single movement of his eyes and twitch of his jaw. He’s really good at his poker face.
Tiller nods, as if he’s totally into the conversation. “Oh, that’s nice of you.” I frown at him. “To, you know, buy her coffee. She used to hate it.”