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“Roan.” He pauses, shakes his head and purses his lips. “I warned you when you were fifteen she was off-limits to you and your brothers.”
I wink. “I didn’t touch her.” The meaning behind my words digs deeper than he realizes.
It’s a lie, but like I said, I’m really good at them lately.
For a month before I leave, I don’t hear from Roan again. Not once. It’s then I know that I need to be the strong one and realize we need time away. As scary as is, I have to separate myself from him. As July slowly fades into August, I find myself leaving home for the first time and scared out of my mind at what it will mean for my relationship with Roan, and my parents.
“Do you have enough socks?”
I’m bumped from behind by someone trying to cut in line for coffee. “Yes.”
Mom takes in a calming breath, tears in her eyes and brushing her hair from her shoulders. “What about toothpaste and money? Did you get the cash your dad left in the envelope beside your bed?”
“Yes, Mom. I’m fine.” I push my suitcase back and forth in front of Starbucks outside my gate. It hits my toes, and then back again as I stall. Mom’s stalling too. If she had her way, I’d never leave home.
I probably wouldn’t either. Instead, here I am, getting ready to board a plane and changing everything about my life I once knew. Friends, experiences, routine, all of it will be different from the last eighteen years. I don’t know anyone that lives in New York City aside from a cousin in Manhattan. For all intents and purposes, I will be alone nearly three thousand miles away.
I read this book about the spiritual healing of self-discovery and that to truly understand where you’re going, you have to be completely alone with yourself and your thoughts. Maybe that’s what I’m doing. I know in order to find myself, I have to be away from Roan and that house. It’s better this way.
I wasn’t exactly thrilled when my dad suggested NYU and he’d pay for it. Do you think it was by design? I think so. He wouldn’t come out and say it, but I think he wanted me away from the Sawyer brothers.
I knew nothing about New York University, located in Manhattan. As far as I’m concerned, or what I know, rich kids went to NYU. Kids that knew what they wanted to do with their lives. I’m neither of those. They have a strong sense of superiority, something I had only been familiar with, never possessing.
“I’m going to miss you so much!” Mom cries into my shoulder as she draws me in for a hug. My mom, a short but mighty woman, is loud, independent, and has always had my best interest in mind. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without her.
“I’ll be home for Thanksgiving,” I tell her, trying to offer as much reassurance as I can. Not only for her, but for me.
Just before I’m set to head to my gate, my dad arrives, dressed in his usual black attire and walking toward us with the intimidating dominance he has. His T-shirt clinches to his bulging chest. Strong, sturdy, I see him more than a father. He’s a hero in my mind and the sense of relief I have knowing he made it to see me means the world to me.
I breathe out, tears forming when he sighs and looks at me like I’m no longer a little girl. It’s like I’ve grown up in the blink of an eye. At least that’s how he sees it. In reality, I grew up behind locked doors with a man who was too old to be paying attention to me and out of the prying eyes of everyone judging us.
Standing next to my mother and me, it looks like my dad is trying to smuggle us over the border. I know, not funny, but that’s the looks we get whenever we go anywhere together. “Sorry I’m late!” He looks relieved to see he didn’t miss my departure. “I got tied up with Roan.”
My stomach drops to my knees. The mention of his name sends an instant rush to my heart and blood pulsing through my ears. I hate the effect he has on me. It’s oppressive.
“It’s okay.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders as he bends down to hug me. “I love you both.”
“My baby girl.” Dad exhales a sigh, holding me tighter. “If you need anything, just call and I’m on a plane in a heartbeat.”
With panic mounting, the air pushes out from my lungs at his grip. I laugh and untangle myself. “Guys, I’m gonna be fine.” My words hold a glum edge, one I try to replace by teasingly shaking my purse on my shoulder. “I got pepper spray.”
They laugh at my humor, but I can see it on their faces. Not only is their daughter moving away, but this changes their dynamic too. Now they don’t have me in common or to care for on a daily basis, what does this mean for their relationship?
My mom has always talked to me about the problems in their marriage and while I never truly grasped them, I understand her pain for having a husband whose life ultimately revolved around someone else’s needs. Dad wraps one heavy arm around Mom’s delicate shoulders. Tears streaming down her face, she smiles up at him for the burst of comfort he gives.
I think maybe this might be good for them too.
With a hundred more I love yous, I let out a deep breath, dragging my suitcase behind me. I fear leaving because if I don’t have that prickly anxiety I feel around Roan, how will I go on? If I don’t have those wild blue eyes and that charming smile drawing me in, captivating me… I don’t know me.
Regardless of everything we’ve put each other through, I still crave the power he has over me.
I fight the urge to call him. I text him, then delete it before I can send it. I think of him constantly. The nearly six-hour flight is spent with me crying and looking over every text we sent over the last year. The ones of promise and longing to be with one another only for it to be destroyed.
My aunt picks me up from the airport and takes me to my dorm room. It’s uneventful and predictable. Within the next hour, oblivious to the world around me, and in the oppressive humidity, I meet my first friend. Maille Brayton. I think I liked her at first sight because she had a calmness about her. I sense confidence I only ever felt around Roan.
“So, Ophelia Hadley.” She pauses, looking at my driver’s license she took from my wallet, claiming she couldn’t be too sure I wasn’t secretly a serial killer and needed to know every bit of detail about me if we were going to room together. “You’re from Brentwood?”
I nod.