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“Then why?”
I move over to the sideboard, also done in that misty gray wood, and pour myself a finger of bourbon. Gavriil shakes his head when I hold up the bottle, but Michail nods with more enthusiasm than I’ve seen for anything else.
“You told me at Paul’s retirement party that I left you alone all those years ago. Had nothing to do with you.”
Gavriil’s hands tighten at his sides.
“That’s exactly what you did.”
“For a reason.” I shove a glass into Michail’s hand before raising my own to my lips. “Had I so much as told you things were going to be okay, Lucifer would have kicked you back out onto the streets.”
Gavriil’s face goes slack. “What?”
“He held that threat over my head until the day you moved out. Then it became he would take away your share of the company.”
“You’re saying you stayed away all these years to protect me?”
“That sums it up, yes.”
I almost feel bad for my little brother as he stands there looking at me as if he’s never seen me before.
Michail laughs under his breath. “I’m glad I only met the bastard once.”
“You were fortunate.” I take a drink, savor the rich burn of bourbon down my throat. “Withdrawing from the world was the only way to survive the hell he created.”
“Rafe…” Gavriil’s voice is thick with emotion. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. We were both at his mercy.”
“But…all the things I said…”
I shrug. “When you have a heart of ice, it doesn’t matter much,” I lie.
“Except Tessa does matter.”
My throat tightens. “She does. Like I said at the party, the best thing I can do is let her go.”
“Really? Because I’m guessing by the way she stayed by the railing all night and stared out over the city, she feels differently.”
“I don’t want children, Gavriil. She does.”
But even as I say the words, something shifts in my chest. The certainty that I’ve always had toward children, or rather not having them, is no longer rock-solid. Now it’s faint, interspersed with a suddenly crystal-clear image of Tessa and me on the yacht, sitting on the bow with a toddler between us, with my dark curly hair and her beautiful caramel-colored eyes.
I’ve never allowed myself to dwell on the possibility. To even consider it. Not when those first few years of having Gavriil living in the house, of seeing his eyes following me with mixed hatred and yearning as I ignored him, left scars etched so deeply on my heart I can never be rid of them.
I was backed into a corner by a monster. But at some point, I became one, too. The deeper I retreated into the void, the more it angered Lucifer, drove him to the brink of losing control by simply feeling nothing.
What will it be like to let go? To feel…everything?
“You’re nothing like him.”
Gavriil’s pronouncement has my head snapping around.
“Really? I could have sworn you’ve been saying the opposite all these years.”
“I wouldn’t be working with you if I thought you were truly like him. I was angry, yes,” Gavriil admits. “Hurt. The worst part was not understanding. But damn it, Rafe, you’re an honorable man. You’re a great leader. I’ve learned a lot from you.”
The rare compliments fly straight as arrows into my chest.