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In fact, I think with a soft sigh, my time here has deepened what I started to feel ten years ago. There’s nothing to do about it. He’s made it perfectly clear he has no interest in a real marriage, and allowing himself to return my feelings. And I will not live any more of my life for someone else.
Even if it means breaking my own heart when I say goodbye.
I push away the negative thoughts and focus on the sun warming my body. I have this last day. One last day to be Rafe’s wife in full and enjoy both the physical pleasure and moments of connection we’ve experienced because of it.
A cove embraces us as Rafe sails in, steep stone walls cradling a blue well. Rafe drops the anchor just off the beach before disappearing into the galley.
“Hungry?”
“Very,” I call down as I reach for my crutches.
I meet Rafe on the deck and smile at the food he’s arranged on the table, complete with glasses of wine, slices of tomato covered in mozzarella and shredded basil, toasted crackers with tzatziki, and the delicious aroma of gyro meat drifting up from a bowl.
“You can cook.”
“More like I can pull food out of the container my chef sent,” Rafe says as he pulls back my chair.
We help ourselves to the generous lunch.
“How did you decide on diving?”
I bite into a piece of tomato, chew for a moment as I think.
“Because it scared me. It was my first weekend trip away from Paris. Katie already had plans to go to Switzerland with some friends on one of her university breaks and invited me to come along. I wasn’t going to go. I was worried I would just slow her down.” I smile. “But she insisted.”
“You two have grown close.”
“We have. She could have been resentful or even angry at how much attention my mother gave me and not her. Instead, she just embraced me. I took her for granted.”
“But you don’t anymore.”
“No,” I say softly. “Not anymore. We were there at the lake, and some of her friends wanted to go on a hike. The trail wasn’t accessible, so I opted to stay behind. Next to the café was a diving shop. The owner came out and started talking to me. I told him how much I love to swim. He suggested diving. At first I thought he was joking. But then he started talking to me about it working with other people who have mobility challenges and disabilities. And I was on a calm lake that was the perfect place to explore diving.”
He tilts his head to one side. “You were scared.”
“Terrified. Moving to Paris was one thing. But tackling something physical that I had never even thought of as a possibility? Plus the risk of failure is a little different when you’re under the water.”
“But you love it now.”
I think back to that first moment, when I sank under the water and took my first breath.
“It was…freedom. I could move. I didn’t have to think about what was accessible, if I could move my wheelchair here, rest my crutches there. I could simply just go. Even though sound is amplified under the water, it’s a different type of noise. Like a constant shushing. Peaceful.”
“Thank you for sharing it with me today.”
I smile at him. “Do you think you’ll do more of it?”
“Perhaps.”
I try to hide my disappointment at his answer. I know he enjoyed it. But nothing’s changed.
Nothing will change, I remind myself. Enjoy the moment. Focus on the now.
We enjoy the rest of our meal. As the sun dips down toward the horizon, I glance up at the sundeck.
“What do you think about dessert up there?”
“All right.”