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The one that made me see stars.

Fuck me.

* * *

“I don’t knowhow to tell this story,” I sighed, slumping against the couch cushions in Mariam’s office.

“Usually it’s best to start at the beginning,” Mariam nodded. I looked at her hand movements going back and forth over her iPad. She was sketching today. For some reason, the focus she had on whatever illustration she was working on made me a little more comfortable opening up about my recent…thoughts.

“So,” I cleared my throat, then decided to grab a throw blanket Mariam kept on the arm of the couch and wrapped myself up in it, “You know how Leo and I are…you know.”

“Having intercourse.” Mariam finished for me.

“Yeah, that,” I smiled even though she couldn’t see it, “And, it’s been going great. I mean, it’s only been a few weeks, but what he and I have going on really works for us. Maybe it’s just because I’m finally getting to experience what everyone else hypes sex up to be, but regardless, I’m…happy.”

“That’s excellent,” Mariam looked up from her drawing to smile at me, then tilted her head, “Why am I sensing a but?”

I winced, “Well, two nights ago Leo came over again to—ahem, you know—”

“Boink,” Mariam finished again.

I made a face, “That’s not the word I’d use.”

“I don’t know why you’re tiptoeing around it today,” Mariam lifted an eyebrow at me, “You’ve cursed in here before. You’ve talked about sex before.”

“I know, I know,” I covered my face in my hands, “I’m just embarrassed about this next part.”

“Okay,” I parted my fingers to see Mariam wave her hand in a gesture that indicated I should spit it out.

“I couldn’t orgasm this time,” I kept my hands over my face, my cheeks flaming from this admission, “And I have no idea why.”

Mariam’s eyebrows rose, “Interesting. How did that go?”

I dropped my hands and instead tugged the throw blanket up, up, up until my hands held it under my chin. My face was the only part of my body that was visible against the material. I looked out the window of her office as I explained the situation the best I could.

“It went…fine? As fine as it could go without me finishing, that is. I felt so bad for him. He went down on me forsolong, and when that didn’t work, he tried using his fingers, which was wonderful. But I still couldn’t quite make it over the edge. Eventually, I got too embarrassed and stressed about it and told him it probably wasn’t going to happen,” I played with my fingernails under the throw blanket as I continued, “Which he was fine with. So naturally I tried to reach over and, you know, helphimfinish. Because I wasn’t about to make him suffer just becauseIcouldn’t orgasm first.”

Mariam tilted her head at me, focusing back on her drawing, “And how did he respond to that?”

I frowned, “He wouldn’t let me help him. He told me not to worry about him.”

Mariam lifted her head to look at me, silent.

So I continued.

“I apologized again, and even cried a little.” My cheeks heated from humiliation at the memory of Leo wrapping me in his arms as I cried and apologized for not being able to perform as expected. I remembered him shushing me, whispering encouraging words with his lips in my hair as he held me tight. Until I could calm down enough, “And then, we just… hung out.”

“Nice,” Mariam smiled, “What does ‘hung out’ mean, exactly?”

I shrugged under the blanket, “He turned on the TV and ordered takeout, and we sat on my couch watchingShrinkingfor a couple of hours. Then he kissed me goodbye, which he always does, and left as if…nothing was wrong.”

Mariam smirked, “Do you think something is wrong?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah. I didn’t come.”

Mariam dropped her smirk, “That doesn’t mean something is wrong, Jacqueline.”

“I—” I stopped myself, wondering if I was being ridiculous for this fear before I shook my head and remembered thatthiswas where I could safely voice my thoughts, “I told him about Vincent.”