Page 7

Today, I noticed a cartoon raccoon holding a little bouquet with large puppy-dog eyes added to her bicep.

I was confident that wasn’t there last week.

She plopped into the first chair across from my desk. Brandon grabbed the back of the other chair and pulled it a little farther away from Nicole, before taking his own seat and propping an ankle on his knee.

“We wanted to ask if you would be interested in hiring someone to support you.” Brandon usually went straight to the point. It was something I appreciated because it made his expectations of me clear. He didn’t start with pleasantries, pretending to care about anything personal going on in my life.

Some called that behavior cold, but I thrived from black-and-white conversations.

“I was telling Brandon that you’ve been so busy with all the onboarding you’ve had to run,” Nicole crossed her arms over her chest, giving me a kind smile, “And that we have the budget to hire one or two people for the Human Resources department if you’re interested in that.”

I nodded my head, suddenly thrilled that I was being offered help until a familiar sinking feeling settled in my gut.

What prompted them to have this discussion?

What did I do to make them feel like I needed help?

They’re disappointed in you.

They’re upset with you.

You’re not doing enough.

“Oh, I’m okay,” I smiled and fidgeted with my fingers on my desk, trying to look more confident in the moment than I was, “I can handle it.”

Nicole tilted her head, considering that response, “That’s great, but you shouldn’t have to. We’re going to reorganize a lot of the company to accommodate almost doubling the number of employees in a year. You shouldn’t have to handle a company this size on your own.”

I nodded, pressing my lips together, something in my chest tightening from her words.

She’s lying.

They’re trying to let you down easy.

You should have anticipated this.

“I’m okay though,” I pressed, “I appreciate you thinking about me, I do. But if you have something else you want to use the budget for that’s more pressing, I can run things just fine on my own for the time being.”

Brandon gave Nicole a look, one I couldn’t decipher before she inhaled a breath and blew it out of her mouth. She sat forward, bracing her arms on her knees as she raised an eyebrow at me.

“Hiring additional employees to help support you is, in fact, pressing,” Nicole’s smile was kind, and I tried desperately to find any insincerity behind it, but I couldn’t, “While I agree that you probably could handle what’s coming in the future with grace, we don’t want to wear you out. Think of this as a preventative measure, so you don’t get overwhelmed with the potential workload.”

I nodded along, letting her know I understood where she was coming from.

I glanced down at my fingers, trying to remember what my therapist had instructed me to do the next time I caught myself in a spiral like this.

“Ask the questions,” Mariam encouraged me, “No one can read your mind. It’s better to ask and know what they’re thinking, instead of second-guessing the interaction later.”

“Can I ask,” I cleared my throat as I lifted my gaze to stare at Nicole, her dark eyes still looking at me with kindness, “Did I do something wrong?”

Both of my coworker’s brows furrowed, Brandon already shaking his head as he shared a concerned look with Nicole, “What? No. You’ve done nothing wrong, Jacqueline.”

He’s lying.

He wants you to fix it without having to hold your hand through it.

“Trust their answers,”Mariam’s words filled my head again, making me inhale a deep breath to calm myself,“You have to trust that people will be honest with you, Jacqueline. Not everyone is Vincent.”

It was Nicole’s turn again to chime in, “We don’t want to hire support for you because we don’t think you can do your job,” she sounded sincere, but I was still a little skeptical because I was pretty sure I was broken, “We want to hire support so that you’ll feel comfortable taking a fucking vacation day.”