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Sometimes it was listening to a song on repeat, back-to-back, because every time I heard the music in its entirety, I felt a rush of serotonin or even dopamine that I couldn’t get from anything else.

And I knew at that moment, watching Leo and Mary goof off in his office, eyes focused on their screens, harmonizing the chorus to “Feeling This”, that I was hooked.

Especially when the song neared its conclusion after Mary and Leo had made some hilarious impromptu dance moves in their seats when they sang the chorus again and again, and every time those same chills raced down my spine.

It wasn’t like Mary and Leo had spectacular singing voices, but you didn’t need to have one to sing with this song. It still soothed something in my ears and mind in a way I couldn’t possibly explain. I didn’t want the moment to end, watching the two of them perform this random song for our coworkers while they worked together.

Zaid sat forward in his seat, both of his hands gripping his laptop as his eyebrows rose above his glasses.

Eventually, though, the song did end.

“It works!” Mary stood from her chair and held her laptop in her hands, eyes wide as she hopped on the balls of her feet. Zaid tossed his laptop on the coffee table in front of him and leaned back in his seat, removing his glasses to rub at his eyes with a grin on his face.

Leo joined his cousin, standing and wrapping an arm around her neck as they both bounced in celebration. His grin took over the entirety of his face.

Everyone chuckled at the antics as Leo turned his phone out for Brandon and Nicole to see. It was some sort of code I had no chance of interpreting myself, but Nicole gave the room a thumbs up, and Brandon laughed and clapped his hands together.

And then everyone in the office clapped, including some employees who were standing behind me. I jumped when I heard their sudden applause, realizing I wasn’t the only one standing outside the office watching it all happen.

Leo and Mary didn’t either, because they looked past the CEO and CFO to see where the additional applause came from, and that’s when Leo’s icy blue gaze locked on mine.

My breath caught in my throat, so I frowned and walked away.

Cheers continued without me as I left the scene. Congratulations were given for Mary and Leo’s performance and the new feature Zaid’s team had built.

As soon as I shut myself in my office again and took a seat at my desk, I pulled my phone out to type in the song.

And I listened to “Feeling This” for the rest of the day.

Trying, desperately trying, to gain that similar feeling I had watching Leo sing it.

I got close, but something was off.

It wasn’t until a couple of days later, enough time passing after hearing Leo sing it, that the song started to hit me again.

I had my earbuds in at all times, getting away with the occasional smile and wave to others in the office while I focused on reaching out to candidates to hire on my personal team.

While I focused on my work.

All withBlink 182’s“Feeling This” playing on repeat in my earbuds for the entirety of my workday. Obviously, I would take breaks, take meetings, and call potential interviewees or answer phone calls from coworkers, but I would itch until I could get my earbuds back in again.

Even when Signe, Mary, and Jamie all invited me out to lunch to eat with them, I felt like I was stiffly going through the proper social etiquette motions. To avoid coming off as a nonresponsive robot, I used listening to “Feeling This” again as motivation for checking off the “socialization” box that going out to lunch with the girls provided.

So when I left the office at the end of the week, waving goodbye to some newer employees who were also getting in their cars, I really set myself up for tremendous disappointment. I had been looking forward to turning up the volume in the car, crankingBlink-182’svocals as loud as my speakers could handle, and being able to feel completely absorbed by the song without the feeling of anything in my ears to do so.

I had driven home like that the last few days and found no reason for me to not continue the pattern.

That is, until my car didn’t start.

I turned the key in the ignition, and nothing happened.

I tried again, holding my phone in my left hand, ready for it to automatically sync with the car’s Bluetooth before I realized no matter how many times I tried, my car wouldn’t start.

“Shit,” I grumbled, dropping my phone and removing the keys before trying again.

There was a clicking sound, but nothing happened.

I groaned, slamming back in my seat and grinding my teeth together, trying again.