Page 94 of Lucifer's Mirror

And I sink down onto the grass and attempt to pull the pieces of myself back together.

Chapter 44

A Proper Goodbye

Idon’tknowhowlongI sit there before I come to the mind-boggling conclusion that… it’s not all about me.

Too long.

Zayne has been the one constant in my life for the last three years. I’ve leaned on him, taken the strength he’s offered, and not given anything back in return.

I’ve always been selfish. I’ve never really thought of it that way, but it’s true. I suppose I thought my problems were bigger than anyone else’s. Though to be honest, I suspect that’s still true—now more than ever.

But Zayne and Josh both went through their own personal hells. Horrible situations that ultimately led them to Lissa and Pete’s. It was a complete shit hole, but apparently, it was better than what came before.

I sort of see what Zayne meant now when he used to tell me I was lucky. That I should stop worrying about the past and just move on. Live my life. It seems now that’s not actually an option. Part of me wishes it were. But it isn’t. It makes me wonder how much choice we have. From what I’ve seen of the world—very little.

Maybe once I remember—how’s that for a positive attitude—then I can choose what to do with those memories. How to use the truths I’ll uncover.

But Zayne has had limited choices as well. He didn’t choose to live with Lissa and Pete. But he did choose to be good to me. He could have ignored me or worse. Instead, he chose to share his strength. He also chose to leave me—except that wasn’t really a choice. He’s doing what he has to do. I have friends now. Other people who will help me. Josh has no one.

Suddenly I’m drowning in a murky swamp of guilt.

I jump to my feet.

Maybe I can catch him before he goes.

I race back to the house. There’s no one around, and I head in through the front door. It slams behind me, and I stand in the empty hallway, listening. But I know there’s no one here.

“Zayne!” I call out just in case, but there’s no answer. No Hecate either. I leave the house and jog around the back toward the stables.

Stella hears me coming and nickers, raising her head from the grass and stepping toward me slowly. Then Hecate appears in the stable doorway. She looks at me, obviously seeing the question in my eyes, and shakes her head. “He’s gone.”

“But I have to see him,” I say, “I have to say I’m sorry.”

She frowns. “What for?”

“I made it hard for him to go. He’s doing what’s right, and I was selfish. I didn’t want to lose him.” I take a deep breath. “I’m scared.”

“I know you’re scared. You’re right to be scared, but he is as well. Scared for you, scared for himself, scared for your little brother.”

“He told you about Josh?” Zayne has never been one to talk about his private life with outsiders. Though maybe he no longer sees Hecate as an outsider.

But then, I’m the same. Probably worse. After all, I’ve never mentioned Josh to Hecate. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m still trying to push him away, pretending that he’s not important to me.

“Yes. He told me. He loves you both, but you’re the stronger one, and he knows that.”

I snort. “I’m not strong. I’m pathetic. I can’t even remember my own name.”

“Don’t wallow in self-pity,” Hecate snaps. “It doesn’t suit you.”

She’s right. I stand, breathing deeply, trying to get my thoughts together. “How long has it been since he left?”

“About half an hour?”

“Then I can catch him if I ride fast.”

“Go then,” she replies. “Make your peace.”