Page 75

My only regrets were not seeing my little girl grow up—and not telling Ace De Lange I’d bought him waffle mix.

24

ACE

The one where regrets are like wildflowers unable to stop appearing over and over again, showing off their resilience in never going away.

Present Day - Two Months Post Delivery

“So how many moms hit on you at the park when you go for walks?” In Dante’s kitchen, Ivan was bouncing his infant son Zach on his lap while I was attempting to feed Lily some cereal. His and Bella’s first child, a daughter named Jessica, Jessi for short, was napping upstairs under Dante’s watchful eye.

I snorted. “It doesn’t matter. There’s only one girl in my life, huh Lily?” I held out the little spoon of oatmeal and made a face.

She had the most intense mean mug I had ever seen, intimidating and adorable at the same time. I tried to focus on it during the hard times which were basically every day. She hated sleep, was constantly crying and even though I hired a nanny we were still missing something very important in our lives.

“Don’t let Raven hear you say that,” he said under his breath. “I’ve never seen a person jealous of how much attention you give the baby while also so attracted she looks minutes away from just devouring her own husband whole.”

“That won’t happen,” I said quickly despite the fact that my heart did a little flip in my chest. “Especially after she nearly died and had to be put into a medically induced coma. Not my favorite moment for Lily or for Raven—she deserves to live her life you know?”

I deserved to live mine too.

I was done trying to prove myself. I had two people to protect and the only way I knew how to do that was to take it a day at a time and completely purge Raven from my life.

I really was her husband in name only.

It was just a really weird road to navigate, and we’d both been tiptoeing around each other since she woke up. Every time she tried to reach out, it felt like I had no choice but to close the door because what if the words that came next were the ones I’d been wanting to hear? Then what if she took them back? Words only existed in two places once spoken, through reading them or through hearing them and neither can be unread or unheard. Like manifesting something into existence, there would be no way I could go back to before they were spoken, no way I could go back to the moment in time before I read them.

I thought I’d experienced terror, and then I saw her code in front of me.

I thought I knew actual fear until I was in charge of an hour-old infant while her mom fought for her life.

I knew nothing.

“Yeah, well…” I held Lily close. Raven and Bella were walking outside. Both of them had their ever present ginormous water’s with them. Bella’s said “This is probably Vodka,” while Raven’s said “Blood of my enemies.” Both fit, and we all knew that theywere drinking straight electrolytes. Bella had found out she was pregnant for the second time shortly after our first appointment; they could only keep it from everyone for a day before the happy news exploded. I was glad Raven had someone she could share it with and at the same time a bit jealous that it wasn’t me she complained to.

In fact, she never complained.

Everything was always fine.

She was never tired.

She always smiled. If anything she was too perfect, and too much; it made it hard to believe anything that came out of her mouth most days, because every day was, and I quote, “a miracle.”

Did I think she was full of shit?

Half the time, yes, because I don’t care how many miracles get thrown your way, eventually when you get shit on—literally, are starving, constantly thirsty, and don’t remember the last time you had a solid night’s sleep, eventually the miracle feels more like a permanent twitch in your eye and a locked jaw from clenching your teeth so much.

“Things good?” Ivan asked.

He always asked, just like I always lied. “They’re great.”

“You both should stop using the baby as a buffer between you; it might force you to face your feelings. You’re in love with her, she’s in love with you, you have shit tons of money, nobody wants to kill you, and a beautiful baby girl, I’m surprised nobody has put a price on your head, it’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, okay boss.”

“Seriously.” He shot me a dark look. “It’s looking too good for the De Langes. Are you just waiting for the other shoe to drop?”

My entire body went rigid. “Yeah, you?”