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“My doctor calls it a brain difference. It means that certain processes in my brain work differently than they do in someone who is neurotypical. Sorry.“ I chuckled. “I’ve learned all this new vocabulary. It feels like I have unlocked a new language, and now I can’t stop speaking it. So there is a way the brain typically works, and then there are other ways. Like mine.”

“So, your brain is different. Different is good.“ Jules smiled at me.

“Well, it makes shit really fucking difficult at times. But I’m slowly coming to terms with it. I’ve had a pretty weird month, Jules. That’s why I couldn’t be back, you know?” I rang my hands, trying to find the words to explain. Jules didn’t press the matter. He sat next to me and waited until I was ready to put my thoughts out into the space between us.

“It’s so strange to find out that you have lived twenty-eight years of your life without knowing there’s something different about you. I mean, I knew there was somethingwrongwith me. But I didn’t know what it was.”

I fidgeted on the spot, something I had learned to stop doing when teachers told me off for bouncing my leg and spinning my pens. I had only remembered that when Dr Schmidt’s colleague asked me what I remembered from my early childhood. Since then I found myself fidgeting non-stop. It helped relieve the pressure in my head and quieted my thoughts. I couldn’t believe I had made myself not do it for two decades.

“I’m still not sure it has sunk in. I guess it will take some more time to come to terms with it. But I needed some space to process. I’m glad I’m here now, though.”

“So am I, Bunny.” He smiled at me. Knowing that he simply accepted that I was different made the whole thing a little more bearable. I was also thankful that he didn’t try to invalidate my feelings. My mum—bless her cottons—had immediately tried to tell me there was nothing wrong with me.

“Sometimes, I react in a way that doesn’t make sense to others. I remember when my grandmother died, and I started to laugh. Not because it was funny. But because my confusing feelings around losing her overwhelmed me.”

Jules reached out and took hold of my hand. Looking down, I realised I had fiddled with my cuticle. A drop of blood bloomed on my skin.

“Don’t hurt yourself,” he murmured, then let go again.

“Yeah, thanks.” It took me a moment to find my composure again. “So when I started laughing, it wasn’t that I was making fun of you, okay? I need you to know that.”

Again, he listened and gave me space to find my way through this conversation.

“It was unexpected. And a little bit funny.”

“A little bitbunny,” Jules said with a wink, making me laugh.

“Yeah, that’s it. Damn, the last few weeks have been a little bitbunny.”

I got up from the table top.

“Come on, I wanna see the rest of the house.”

Jules got up too, straightening out his tunic and leading the way to the door.

“Follow me, Nikolai. There is plenty more to see.”

Twenty-one

Jules

Havingmadeamentallist of things I wanted to show Nikolai when he next visited me helped. Being near him was strangely distracting. More than once I lost my train of thought because the sun shining through the windows glinted on his hair, or how his warm eyes lit up when I smiled at him.

Barnabas, who had been out in the garden to dig for worms, ventured inside to follow both of us around.

“Oh, hello, baby,” he crooned like he had done the first time he’d seen my pet. “I missed you, big boy. How have you been?” Nikolai hummed and tickled the bit of fur between Barnabas’ antlers. My Wolpertinger huffed happily, angling his head. “Hey, you want to lick my hand, sweetie?”

Don’t be jealous of your pet, Jules!

An image from that dream I’d had flashed before my eyes: Nikolai straddling my hips and bringing my hand up to his mouth so he could suck on my fingers.

A tiny gasp escaped my lips, low enough that his ears didn’t pick up on it. He’d looked so beautiful in his pleasure and had felt so good around me.

“Did you look out for your daddy? I bet he’s so happy he has you.” Bunny placed a tiny peck on Barnabas’ muzzle, and I almost fainted when I heard him call me Barnbas’ ‘daddy’ .

“Very happy,” I muttered. Nikolai looked up at me, lips pursed in a soft smile.

I wasn’t brave enough to take Bunny to my bedroom, and he didn’t ask to see it. Perhaps he sensed how much of a test it would’ve been for my self restraint and decided not to put me through it.