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“You play professional hockey, right?” The therapist asked me, checking a note she had made on my file. “Yes, I play for the Pumas.”

“My professional suggestion, although I am not your coach of course, would be to go back to your routine as soon as possible. It can be helpful to have a break, especially when you are dealing with what you’ve been going through. But we recommend structure. And from what I can guess there are very few jobs that provide a stable schedule the way professional sports do.”

“So you think I’m cleared to play again?”

“As I said, I am not your coach. I can only draw from my experience in working with neurodivergent patients for the past fifteen years.”

“Yes, then give me that, please,” I asked her impatiently. At first, yes, it had been a relief not having to do anything, not having to perform. But fuck, I needed to play again so badly.

“From experience and my personal opinion as a therapist, I would say yes. I think it would do you good to have that rhythm in your life again. If you feel ready, that is.” Her kind smile reminded me of my mum, even though we weren’t that far apart in age.

“Thank you.”

She nodded.

“All the best to you, Mr Lorenz. Perhaps I’ll come and watch one of your games.”

I grabbed my bag and got to my feet. “If you ever need tickets, let me know. If you’re allowed to accept that.”

“Oh, no. It’s fine.” She chuckled as she put all the papers into one neat pile. “Perhaps I’ll bring Dr Schmidt along. I bet he’s never been to a game either.”

“Enjoy your first hockey experience, then.” I grinned at her “I hope we win when you come to watch us play.”

“With you back on the team, I’m sure you will.”

I didn’t go back home after the appointment but went to a fast food place around the corner from the hospital. I ordered myself the largest coffee they had on their menu and hid in one of the booths. The tests and that appointment had robbed me of all my feelings.

For the better part of half an hour, I wondered if I should get in my car and drive out to the labyrinth. Perhaps being with Jules would help me fill the emptiness inside me.You’re fucking selfish!

If I couldn’t understand my feelings, how could I expect Jules to handle them with me? It wasn’t that I didn’t want to burden him with my problems. First I had to wrap my head around them, see a bit clearer.

I only wanted to go back once I wasn’t an emotional mess anymore.

I miss him but don’t want him to have to pick up my pieces.

Jerke wasn’t ready to have me back on the roster yet, but we agreed that I would train as if I was going to play the next game. And it helped, as it always had done. The exertion kept the intrusive thoughts at bay.

You’ll have to look at them eventually, Nik.

I went on daily walks and searched for pottery classes in Veitsreuth. And before I went to sleep at night I listened to the summer storm on my phone, pretending I was back in Jules’ house, safe and sound, while the world outside the windows ended and was reborn.

Seventeen

Jules

HowhadIbeenokay with living on my own for centuries but now pined for a human man I had met only twice?

A few times in the weeks Nikolai didn’t return to my forest I considered travelling to Veitsreuth to find him.

That is madness, Jules. How do you expect to find him in the middle of thousands of humans?

But he had told me about his job as a hockey player. I was sure people could direct me to where I would be able to find him. But I had Barnabas and the chickens to care for. I couldn’t abandon them.

I had to wait, stay put, and hope that he had meant it when he said he would come back.

I busied myself in the garden. I planted seeds and cleared out my root cellar for the new harvest. And in one week where the weather was kind to me, I visited every part of my forest. I talked to my trees. I reinforced the magic boundary that protected us from the outside world.

The boundary that made people—what had Nikolai called it?—space out. Only I had designed it to turn them away from my land, not to keep walking. For the umpteenth time I wondered what made Nikolai so different from all the others before him. Was he meant to find me? No. I had found him, hadn’t I?