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“Veronica told me today that you’re getting her aspecialist from the city?” my mom prods, and I need to be careful because I can’t discuss my patients with my mom.
“I was thinking Melody could help her out. Offer a second opinion,” I explain, and my mom nods.
“It couldn’t hurt. Veronica has been sick for a long time. She was sick before Lacy went to college. That poor girl has had to look after her mom twenty-four seven since she was a child. She never gets a break.” My mom clicks her tongue, clearly not happy about the situation, which makes two of us.
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that…” I say, rubbing my chin. The late afternoon sun is starting to set, and there is little to no wind. Dusk in Whispers is my favorite time of day.
“Go on.” She nudges my elbow.
“Well, I was hoping to take Lacy out, actually…” I say, not able to help the smile that comes to my face just thinking about her. “So I was wondering if you could visit her mom while I did that.” I know Lacy will never leave her mom alone. I also now know her mom and my mom have been friends for years. I look from my son, who I see dancing down below, my father appearing to teach him how to skim rocks at the small pond, to my mom, and catch her watching me, a smile on her face.
“I was wondering how long it would take you,” she says, and my eyebrows pinch.
“For what?” I ask, trying to gauge where she is going with this.
“To ask Lacy out. She is a catch, you know. Pretty, of course, mature for her age. She has a lot of responsibilities but handles them well. Resilient because, well, shehas come through her own demons too. Not to mention, she’s smart. Did you know she was top of her class at college?” my mom asks, and I smile at her because I did know that.
“Yes. But you need to wipe that smile from your face. It’s just a date.” I try to downplay it, seeing my mom getting excited that I am taking her best friend's daughter out.
“I know, but honey, it will be one of your first ones… you know… since Amanda,” she says tentatively, looking at me with empathy. It isn’t my first date since my wife died. I’ve been on a few, had many one-night stands, but this is the first date that I actually really want to go on.
“Amanda has been gone for years now, Mom.” Running my hand through my hair, I wait for that feeling of heaviness in my stomach that usually comes when I speak about my late wife, but it doesn’t feel as strong today. In fact, I haven’t felt it much at all since I moved back.
“I know, but so have you,” my mom says, and my eyes flick to meet hers. I sit with her words for a moment.
“I’ve been busy… Harvey…” I tell her my usual reasoning for not dating seriously, and her smile falters.
“You have drowned yourself in work and Harvey, but I’m glad to see you coming to life again,” Mom says delicately.
“I didn’t do it purposefully. I just…” I sigh, thinking about it all. This is the first real conversation we’ve had about it, and I’m not sure why I waited so long. It feels good to get some things out.
“Felt guilty,” my mom finishes for me. I remain silent so she continues.
“You felt guilty because you didn’t love her like you thought you should. You felt guilty because she was sick and you’re a doctor and you couldn’t save her. You felt guilty because she died and doesn’t get to see her son grow up like you do.” Like all moms, she knows exactly what’s going on.
“Yeah…” I sigh with my confession. “I feel guilty.”
“Amanda was wonderful. But I know that if you hadn’t fallen pregnant with Harvey so quickly after you started dating, you wouldn’t have married her.” She’s right. I wouldn’t have. Amanda and I got along in many ways, but I knew she wasn’t my forever, and deep down, I think Amanda felt the same.
“I had to do the right thing. She wanted to keep the baby, and I wasn’t going to be an absent father. Then when she got sick, everything just snowballed,” I say, finally feeling like I have come out the other side. That doesn’t mean I don’t still grieve, but I’m slowly letting go of the guilt as well.
“Amanda will always live on in Harvey, but now it’s time for you. You need to start living again.” I can see the look in her eyes. The one mixed with fear about me and excitement about what this could mean. It is a turning point; we both can feel it. “It’s good to see you smiling again, son. And I hope you only get happier following your heart.”
I nod, smiling to myself as my mom watches me with interest, before my cell rings in my hand, and I see Melody’s name on my screen.
“Melody. How are you?” I ask, my voice straight into professional mode.
“Hi, Hudson. I have a message here that you called earlier. Is everything alright?” she asks, and I take a breath. I did call her this afternoon to chat with her about a visiting position at the hospital.
“Thanks for calling back, I know how busy you are,” I tell her, because she is. Head of her specialty at the LA hospital where we both worked.
“Always have time for you. What’s up? Harvey okay?” she asks, and my eyes flick down to my son again, playing with Dad still, my mom now walking toward them to give me some privacy.
“Yeah, fine, loving it. I wanted to speak to you about work,” I broach the subject.
“Sure, what’s up?” she asks, her voice higher pitched and laced with excitement.
“I wanted to introduce a visiting schedule for specialist doctors to come to Whispers for regular consults, to help the people of the region with their advanced medical needs. I have a cancer patient here who could really benefit from your expertise as a second opinion. Plus, I feel that since she’s a family friend, I might be a bit too close to the situation, and I would appreciate you stepping in.”