Page 65

GRIFFIN

Yeah my coaches would kill me if I went skiing. They don’t appreciate us doing any injury-prone activities.

ME

Looks like you’ll sit by the fireplace and read with me then.

GRIFFIN

I’ll just watch you while you read.

ME

You can’t watch me if I’m snuggled up in the crook of your arm while I’m reading.

GRIFFIN

I can get on board with this dream.

ME

What’s your favorite city to travel to during the season?

GRIFFIN

Ooo that’s a tough one. Probably Baltimore, but that’s mostly because one of my buddies from college plays there. We always try to catch up somehow when we’re in each other’s cities.

ME

I haven’t traveled to the northeast before. My mom always preferred beaches, so we never went north for vacations growing up.

GRIFFIN

So we’ll hit up Baltimore on our way to the ski lodge in Vermont this winter. Sounds good to me.

ME

Have Samantha schedule it.

Closing myself in the staff restroom, I take a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. Griffin has been gone for two weeks now, and although that means I’m two weeks closer to seeing him again, it’s been two of the hardest weeks of my life.

Jason has been struggling more than ever, which means I’m doubting myself more than ever. I know he’s having an equally hard time with Griffin’s sudden absence, considering how quickly he'd become a regular fixture in our life.

Last week, we got together for lunch with Cathy, his grandma, for her birthday. On the one hand, it was really good to see her, to continue that connection for Jason, and for her to see us doing well. I know she loves and cares about Jason, even if she didn’t feel equipped to raise him. But his angry reactions were off the charts at school and at home for the three days following our visit, complete with another destructive outburst smashing all of his Lego sets. At least those can be rebuilt . . . I’m not sure how much of my confidence in myself as a mother can be repaired.

To top it all off, Jason’s huge blow-up happened on a day that Griffin was completely unavailable. I talked things through with Kara, who encouraged me to also talk to Samantha. I didn’t want to burden her when I know her own troubled childhood is probably difficult to relive. But when she came to babysit while I went to book club, she could immediately tell things were off. She stuck around after Jason went to bed, and I unloaded the whole story on her. Samantha listened intently and encouraged me to find a therapist who specializes in working with adoptees and children who have experienced trauma. She even helped me find some options, and after calling around, I found a therapist who was able to get us in this week.

I already did a telehealth meeting with her yesterday to give her information about Jason’s background and current behavior challenges. We’re leaving school a half hour early today to meet with her in person for the first time, and I’ll have a debrief with her alone tomorrow.

I’m overwhelmed. I’ve wondered more than once what it would be like to have loving parents lending their support in this journey. I’m beyond grateful for Samantha’s understanding, for Kara’s encouragement, and for the support of all my coworkers and friends. Simultaneously, my heart aches with the deep void of Griffin’s absence in the midst of such an emotionally and mentally challenging time.

And I’m ticked off at myself that I would be thrown for this much of a loop missing a man I’ve known less than two whole months.

Now here I am, crying in the staff bathroom right before the library is about to fill up with twenty third graders. And all I want is to burrow myself against Griffin’s strong chest. To feel his arms fold around me. To drown in the spicy scent of his cologne. To have his hands wrapped around mine, stopping me from picking off my nail polish. He was the only one who seemed able to subdue that anxious habit.

I blow my nose, wash my hands, and pat a wet paper towel under my eyes.Pull yourself together, Danae,I lecture my reflection.You’re a grown-up, not a lovesick teenager. Start acting like it.

“Jason, it’s been so nice getting to know you a little bit this afternoon,” Miss Jessica says. We spent the first thirty minutes of the therapy session getting acquainted while Jason played with water beads. “Before you go home today, could we do a little puppet show?” she asks.