Page 109

Adrian screws up his face. “I’d throw up every morning, too, if I had to look at your face first thing.” He breaks out in a grin and slaps Drew on the back. “Felicidades, Sheffield.”

I give Drew a full-on hug. “That’s amazing, man. So happy for you. Do you think Lily will tell Danae and the other WAGs today?”

“That’s the plan,” he says. “Your little guy might have someone fighting him for the chicken tenders today. They’re one of Lily’s current food cravings that she can actually keep down.”

Your little guy. The phrase rolled off Drew’s tongue with such ease, and it feels like a favorite shirt that fits like a glove.

We need to get out on the field to warm up, but I pull my phone from my locker to shoot Danae a quick text.

ME

Tell Jason I love him. And I love you.

Can’t wait to see you after the game.

DANAE

Love you too. Good luck today.

Chapter forty-five

Danae

“Iam wanted. I am loved. I have people who care about me and will never leave me. I am safe. I belong. I am loved.”

Jason slowly reads the phrases from the notebook, holding an EMDR tapper in each hand. Soothing spa music plays lightly in the background, and lavender scent fills the air from the diffuser.

After meeting with Jessica for about six weeks, Jason began working through his life story with her. They colored pictures and wrote down the major events of his life—everything from his mom’s overdose to his dad’s struggles, his time in foster care to his permanent adoption with me. We now end each therapy session with Jason sitting next to me on the couch with a weighted blanket over our laps. He holds the EMDR tappers and reads his own story out loud, ending with the affirmations of how very loved he is.

Jessica says the EMDR therapy will help to connect the two hemispheres of his brain while he revisits his own life story, slowly working to heal some of the trauma woven into his history. We’ve been meeting with her twice a week over the summer months, sometimes together and sometimes on his own.

At times, I get discouraged when I realize that we’re still only a few steps into a lifelong road. But I have moments of hope, too, when I see Jason’s brain respond to a trigger and it doesn’t end in a dysregulated rage. We still have our fair share of those moments, though. SometimesI remember all the de-escalation strategies I’ve learned from Jessica and Monica, and sometimes I wind up in a dysregulated panic along with Jason.

But no matter how long or twisted the road ahead may be, we’re taking baby steps together. And Griffin has stepped up to be present and available as much as he conceivably can be. I’ve still struggled with moments of frustration here and there when I want to call him about something going on with Jason and he’s in the middle of a game, but the summer weeks have been an easier rhythm to manage. Jason and I have traveled along on several of the Crowns' away series, making our times apart from each other less frequent. Those trips have been opportunities not only to stay connected with Griffin, but to get to know the other players’ families even better. Lily and Jason typically down an entire pan of chicken tenders together.

The summer has also given me more time to adjust to the public attention that comes with dating Griffin. Capital Grille is still our safe place to hide out in public, but I’ve gotten used to getting stopped for autographs when we venture to other places. I was shocked the first time someone asked for a picture together with Griffinandme. The media frequently circulates photos of me greeting (and often kissing) Griffin from the front row of the stadium at the end of home games. We’re okay with the attention, so long as they leave Jason out of the photos.

As the end of July approaches, I’m dreading August and September. The beginning of a new school year is always chaotic, and I’m extra anxious wondering how the school year is going to go for Jason. He’s made a lot of headway in therapy, but sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. Which Jessica constantly assures me is the norm for working through trauma. I’m not sure how we’re going to juggle starting school along with attending as many baseball games as possible, but I’m determined to be there for Griff as much as he is for us.

I’m committed to teaching again this school year, but I’ve already started my pro/con lists and flow charts regarding whether to continue after this year if Griffin and I get married. If taking a break from teaching would mean seeing more of Griffin during baseball season, I’mwilling to explore it, even though it could be difficult to find an open library position again in the future. It’s a struggle to balance thinking through what the future could be versus focusing on the present.

The Crowns have serious potential for a World Series run, and, as overwhelming as it is to think about the season extending through October, I’m crossing my fingers that they’ll make it. Griff is always minimizing his hope and optimism in order to not be disappointed if it doesn’t happen, but Jason has enough optimism for everyone. He’s constantly ready with analysis of how good of a shot they have and exactly how many games they need to win at any given point in order to clinch the chance. It helps that Griffin has risen again to the status of “five-tool player.” I’m now the girlfriend using baseball lingo and eagerly bragging about how Griff is playing lights-out defensively and batting with power.

Even though I still can’t classify myself as a baseball fan, I’m a Griffin West fan, one hundred percent.

My mind comes back to the present moment as Jason throws off the weighted blanket. Jessica asks him if we have any fun plans today, so he tells her that we’ll be attending the Crowns game tonight.

“I hope you have so much fun!” Jessica says. “It’s fireworks night—will you stay to watch?”

Jason looks over at me hopefully. “You didn’t tell me it was fireworks night! Can we stay? Please?”

“Maybe if you promise to go to bed a little early tomorrow, we can stay late tonight,” I reply with a smile.

Chapter forty-six

Griffin

Thwack!