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“I see.” Fuck.
“Now it’s your turn to be honest. Do you really think I’m the stable family guy you need, Scarlett?”
Fuck no. Anything but. “Um, I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Can you see me being a good role model? Responsible? Mature? Reliable? Or that having babies will somehow miraculously change who I am as a person?”
“I guess not.”
“Me either.”
“So what are you saying, exactly? That you don’t really plan to have a hands-on role with the babies?”
“I guess that’s what I’m saying, yeah. It’s just that I’m not cut out for it. It’s better to get that out in the open now, so no one feels let down later on down the road.”
What had I been expecting him to say? That he couldn’t wait to co-parent with me? That he was dying to get down in the trenches with me? That he was already in love with our babies? Yeah, maybe that was what I was expecting. Or at least hoping for. Not very fair or reasonable of me, I guess.
“What are you thinking now?” His voice was low, strained.
I chewed my lip, considering my words carefully. “It’s my decision to have these babies, and my decision to keep them. I know it’s going to be really fucking hard, but it feels absolutely right to me. So that’s what I’m going to do. On that basis, I think it’s unfair of me to ask anything of you that you aren’t ready or willing to give of your own free will.”
Was that a little sigh of relief? Maybe I was going to cry.
“I appreciate that and honestly, I think it’s for the best. But I can promise you that whatever you need, you’ll have.”
Except a dad for my kids, I guess.I almost said the words out loud, but bit them back at the last minute.
“Materially, at least.”
A light bulb flashed in my mind. “So, is the car and the house your way of easing a guilty conscience? You still get to feel like you’re doing your bit?”
“Yeah, probably. It’s something I know how to do, so it’s easy.” Then he surprised the fuck out of me by saying, “I’m sorry I’m not a better man.”
Now I reeeally wanted to cry. “You can only be who you are.”
We lapsed into silence after that, because what the fuck else was there to say?
Because I needed to do something with my hands, I pulled a cake out of the bag. Mud cake. Fucking excellent. “Mmm, this is really good. Do you want some?”
“Sure. Especially if it makes you moan like that. Have some more, why don’t you?”
I held out the bag for him to take a piece, with the obligatory “Jackass.”
And we were back. I gotta say, it felt kinda good. At least now we knew where we both stood.
“Okay. Time for a slight change of topic. I know it’s only been five days, but have you been able to get started on, um, you know, finding any info on my birth mother?”
“Not yet. I’ve got the lawyers looking into options for petitioning the courts. And I’ve hired a private investigator to dig into what information she can find through the agency.”
“Ah, okay. Well, that’s a lot in a few short days, thanks.”
“No problem.”
“I think I’m not going to get away with not talking about it to my mom and dad. They may know something, anything, that could point us in the right direction.”
“Right.”
“If I start asking those sorts of questions, they’re going to want to know why.”