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Farrah: One time I even hid my candy bars in an empty frozen peas bag. Every bite tasted like shame.

Gage: You’re going to hell for that one.

Farrah: I know I am.

Farrah: Levi has a meeting for his summer baseball league this morning – better get up and get ready for the day before I win the worst mom ever award.

Gage: You’re a great mom. And I’ll see you later.

Gage: Oh, and can you send his summer game schedule to Mia to put in my calendar? I’d love to go to some games. If that’s okay with you and him of course.

Farrah: We’ll see how Levi feels about it after meeting you at the shoot next weekend. But thank you for asking. It means a lot.

Gage: Of course. Have a great day, sunshine.

Farrah: You too.

I clicked my phone shut, smiling to myself. I could see a life with her, giving her everything she wanted and more, because Farrah didn’t want for much.

The only thing standing in the way was my relationship with my parents. And if I was being honest, that fear shook me to the core.

In the last decade, I’d met with presidents, actors, musicians, other world leaders. But it was still my mom and dad who challenged my confidence the most.

48

Farrah

Having my kids back was like having a part of myself returned. But waking up every day without Gage next to me, without seeing his blue eyes on me first thing and feeling his warm lips against my forehead as he called me beautiful in his scratchy morning voice... I missed that too.

I hated feeling like I had to choose him or my kids, and I wished he would hurry up and make amends with his parents. Because this waiting? It was eating me alive. And I could tell this feud was eating away at him too. If they made amends, they could rebuild their relationship. And if it didn’t go well, he’d at least have the closure he’d need to move on.

But I couldn’t wallow or forget my standards, because it wasn’t just about me. I had three children depending on me. Looking to me for an example of how to love and how to be loved in return.

Luckily, it seemed like they all had a good time in Cabo. Andrew brought back several bottles of sand art that he’d made while he was there. Cora had a new favorite dress. Of course she’d bought it with Melinda, which put a sour, jealous taste in my mouth, but seeing her twirl in the brightly colored, beachy patterned dress made me smile every time.

Raising my kids, watching those bliss-filled moments? It felt like encountering all the best parts of myself. The joy, the wonder, the beauty of life.

That was the one thing I missed about being married to their dad. Every now and then, when we were both home and doing something with the kids, they’d do something cute. And Caleb and I would meet eyes, sharing a smile. Like saying,can you believe these humans? They are so cool. And maybe a little weird. But also beautiful.

But there were hard moments too, and plenty of worries. Levi seemed different after the trip. Older. Maybe even a little jaded. Not refreshed or rejuvenated like the other two.

On Wednesday, I asked him if we could go shopping before his baseball practice. His club team practiced later in the evenings because it was getting so darn hot during the day. And since he had a date with Alyssa on Saturday, and I thought it would be nice to get him something new to wear. Especially since my finances had been leaner than usual the last six months.

We dropped Cora and Andrew off with Mom, then stopped by the coffee shop to get drinks. With my latte and his sweet tea in hand, we walked into the mall, heading toward the store where we usually got his clothes.

“Are you excited for your date?” I asked as we flipped through a rack of button-down shirts.

Levi shrugged. Back to his quiet self.

“You haven’t talked much since you got back from Cabo. Did everything go okay the last few days you were there?”

Levi picked up a black and gray shirt, folding it over his arm. “Dad got weird after he saw your interview with Gage on the news.”

“Weird?” I asked, holding up a blue and black shirt.

He shook his head at the shirt. “I think he was a little jealous. I overheard him and Melinda fighting that night.”

My chest got tight. Caleb and I had always tried to save our arguments for after our kids were asleep, and I didn’t know how he and Melinda fought. “Were they loud?”