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“Ash, saying sorry doesn’t account for all the hurt I’m putting you through right now. I could say all the right things to apologize for my rotten actions and own selfishness, but I know nothing can ease the ache that’s growing inside your heart. You must understand that I’m not only doing this because I’m pregnant. You’ve known all along how much he meant to me, and I know, deep down, that was one of the reasons behind your decision to hide the truth from me.

“In the first half of our marriage, how many tortured nights did I wake from a nightmare, crying uncontrollably and completely distraught because of wall the guilt and regret in my heart was weighing heavily on me to a point where it was becoming too hard for me to go on? You knew that, if I ever found out that he wasn’t dead, I’d scour the entire earth until I found him.” He didn’t have to say anything to confirm my suspicions. His face said it all. He,too, was a victim of his own selfishness.

“I hate myself for hurting you this way, but I’d never forgive myself if I walked away from him again. Even now, I doubt he has forgiven me for what I’ve done, for what my parents have cost him, but I’m willing to take a chance and risk it all because I would rather spend a lifetime trying to make-up for what I have done than spend a lifetime loathing myself for not doing as such.”

“I’ve always known I couldn’t compete with him. That’s why it was easy for me to keep what your father had committed, because I was guilty of wanting you for myself.”

His admission wasn’t something I hadn’t already suspected. However, it made it clearer to me that I was doing the right thing for the both of us. During all those wasted years, I could’ve been so happy. The sad thought made me even more somber.

“I could say I’m sorry, too—for keeping the truth from you—but I cannot.” His face was grim, yet it seemed it was finally dawning on him that he and I could no longer be together.

“We own several homes in America and here, money and all the other assets we have together … We have to discuss these details.” Yeah, he was definitely coming to terms with it. It was a relief, true, but at the same time, I felt wretched inside.

Focusing on him, I shook my head, not wanting anything from him. “All I want is to keep my own financial investments. As for the rest, it was all you, Ash. I’m not so selfish to even consider that I’m entitled to your hard-earned money because I married you.”

I didn’t understand women who sued their husbands for money and assets just because they had tied the knot.Workingto earn a living was difficult enough, making sure you were investing your hard-earned cash into something more profitable was even more rigorous. I couldn’t say I had done that myself, but I had seen how Ashton had slaved himself to become successful. Even though he had gone through an affluent upbringing, he had been quite determined to make it to the top without the help of his parents’ money.

It was a brave thing to do, most especially in our kind of circle since most children wouldn’t bat an eyelash at taking money, because it was their right to have it as the future heirs.

I was lucky enough that I didn’t spend my grandparents’ trust fund by splurging on fancy vehicles, luxurious vacations, and expensive shopping trips to Harrods—okay, the shopping trip I was guilty of since I had little to no restraint when it came to small luxuries. As for the rest, I had taken a chance of reinvesting it, and the risk had paid off. Had I not, I would be joining the rest of those privileged spawns who held out for allowances until Mummy and Daddy decided to give them ultimatums to work for the family business or find someone wealthier or more powerful to marry.

My mother would’ve been proud if I had chosen that path. That way she’d have more power and control over me, which would make her feel more like a mother since she believed she could make decisions for me, truly thinking that her own reasoning would be for my interest. The blatant truth was, I didn’t really think she understood how to be a parent; therefore she’d throw little hissy fits and tantrums when she couldn’t get her way. That way, she’dappearas if she was trying to be a good, responsible mother. It was sad really, if one came to think of it. At least I could use that experience and hope to be wise enough not to repeat that kind of mistreatment to my own child.

People only taught their own kids what they had learned and seen from their parents, and I would rather fully commit myself to be a full-time mum and ensure my child learned how to respect others. Respect could go a long way for the wise. Negligence and ignorance, on the other hand, was the reflection of our own misguided beliefs and lacking the sense to take a step back and reassess our lives. Denial could be anyone’s downfall, which could only lead to a string of problems and failures. Then the process would repeat itself from one generation to the next.

My lunch with Ashton turned into more of a somber affair. Good-byes, regrets, and what might’ve beens became one of the topics, mostly done by him. He even took the liberty of apologizing for the fact that he had started to slowly withdraw from me after his workload doubled. He reasoned that it was due to pressure and high expectations from the company, which had led him to think that pushing the worries away about my frustrations on not successfully conceiving could be addressed later on, when things weren’t so hectic at work.

For almost two years, I had sought my own comfort and council, believing I would get better, that this bitterness inside my heart would someday disappear. I refused myself to face the bare truth—that most of the bitterness was caused by my husband’s lack of being there when I needed to simply talk. When I cried, he wasn’t there to comfort me and tell me that I wasn’t a freak of nature because I couldn’t have a baby. He only came home every night, seeing me on a daily basis. He slept in the same bed, the same room, but never once did he open up and ask me how I was feeling, how I was dealing with nature’s blatant rejection of me, or how the loneliness of being a society wife was leaving me hollow and empty inside. We both had endless regrets and well wishes for one another.

I thought it was our way of rehashing what we once had, walking through the years we had lived together, before we reached the end of the line. It was a sad, blasted day. However, even though my heart weighed heavily right then, the next day, it would start slowly recovering. Nothing lasted forever, and it was vital that I never took anything for granted from here on out.

Ashton promised to see me before he left for New York, which would happen around the time when everything was mostly settled and when the lawyers could give him the clear that they didn’t need any more information from him.

As much as I despised my father, I had to give where credit where it was due. The man had the uncanny knack of making things happen. Maybe, one day, I could thank him for it.

Hours later, I was back in the hotel, huddled on the sofa as I watched a movie. It was wrong to anticipate Reiss tonight, because I didn’t want to start a habit that would be hard to break. However, I ended up hoping he’d show up. After he left the previous night to meet his mother, I hadn’t heard from him. No call or text message. I mean, I knew he was a busy man with a hectic schedule, yet there was a part of me that argued that, after what had happened the night before, it would be reason enough for him to come back.

Although, as the hours passed, hitting past midnight, my hope trickled away.

And, just like that, my heart shattered once more.

CHAPTER95

Ava

Four days.It took him four, lengthy days to visit me again. It felt like a death sentence. A bit far-fetched, but it certainly felt that way to me. Did I frighten him—was that why he was putting this unmistakable barrier between us? I couldn’t help it, the questions rounded my brain, wondering what I had done wrong. Or he could simply be busy with his woman. He did, after all, have quite a voracious appetite. I didn’t understand him at all, because it was him who had primarily initiated physical contact, and then he disappeared.

I spent the wasted days talking to Allie over the phone, updating her on how things were with me and any small detail that was happening to me during pregnancy. My father called once, but I was in the bathroom, so I missed it. Furthermore, since he didn’t bother leaving a message, I thought that it might not be that important; thus I didn’t call him back.

You see, I’d been reflecting a lot, and I supposed there was an upside to the four-day seclusion. I even came to a point where I had a pen and notepad, sometime about two in the morning, writing down the things I wanted to accomplish. It was a bucket list of sorts, and some were simple thoughts and experiences I’d be interested in for the coming months.

Prenatal yoga.

Learn to cook Reiss’s favorite dishes.

Nursery ideas.

Baby names.