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“It’s a yacht. Just, like, asuperone.” I tossed my hair. “I don’t know what makes it so super, but we took him out for a whale watch. It was pretty incredible.”
“It sounds nice,” she said lightly. “It sounds like you two are having fun. Are you relieved that you guys made up?”
“Colehiredme to come back,” I corrected her. I needed to keep up the appearance that the arrangement was strictly business. I leaned closer to her and whispered, “And he’s paying me a million dollars.”
Audrey and I just looked at each other for a beat. “Holy smokes,” she said eventually.
“Right?” I asked. “So you might not believe that you’re getting married, but Ireallycan’t believe I’m about to be a millionaire.”
“I’m happy for you—that’s life-changing money. But I guess I’m still worried, too.” Audrey took a deep breath. “Because I didn’t think you only cared about Cole’s super yacht. Or about the money.”
“I don’t only care about his yacht or the money,” I admitted. “But it might be better if I did.”
“I thought you were in love with Cole,” she said quietly. “That’s what you told me, that you wanted to be with him. So what happened? I know he hired you back, but why did you leave in the first place?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. I mean, something. It’s just that I thought about it. We got back to Boston, and I realized that it wasn’t exactly a smart idea to be pinning all my hopes on a billionaire. I have to be okay with myself. I can’t depend on anybody. If I’ve learned one thing, I’ve learned that.”
Audrey went silent momentarily, contemplating the fluffy white clouds as we passed them. “You can depend on me. I’m always going to be here for you, Jenny. “
“I know that,” I said a little defensively. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”
Audrey gave me a sad smile. “Isn’t it, though? I know the feeling that you’re talking about. I get it. But at some point, you have to take a leap of faith. Otherwise, life is just kind of… sad.”
“Kind of sad is better than getting the crap kicked out of you,” I said. “Listen, don’t turn this around on me. I’m different from you. I know you and James are the real thing.”
“If you love each other, like I think you do, then you and Cole are a real thing, too,” Audrey said.
“We can’t be a real thing,” I said. I longed to tell Audrey about all the trouble I was in, but I couldn’t risk it. “I can’t feel safe with anybody,” I said instead. That was also the truth—another truth I didn’t care to discuss, but at least I wasn’t completely lying to my best friend.
“Why is that?” Audrey asked.
I grimaced. “Let’s not get all psychological. You know we all have our reasons, every single woman in the business. Mine aren’t any different.”
“I get it. I do.” Audrey hesitated, then said, “You know my mother is an alcoholic. I never had a father. I grew up roughand always had to look out for myself. I also had to look out for Tommy, which was hard because he needed help. My mother needed help. Everybody needed help.”She took a deep breath. “But I didn’t get to ask anybody for help because I had to be the one who kept it together. So it’s tough for me to trust that James wants to take care of me, you know? But I have to believe him. I have to take a chance. Otherwise, my whole life will be about pushing people away.”
Audrey didn’t say anything else. She was waiting for me to share; I knew that. In genuine relationships, you were honest. You showed people parts of yourself that you hid from the rest of the world.
I loved Audrey. But I did not love doing that shit.
“I grew up rough, too,” I admitted. “I have an alcoholic brother, an alcoholic father, and a mom that disappeared when I was a kid. I’ve been homeless since I was sixteen.” I left about the part about the aunt that took me in and the shit show that tuned into.
Audrey’s eyes were wide in her face. “I didn’t know that, Jenny.”
“S’okay,” I said. “But nobody ever took care of me except for myself. And I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know if I could ever live any other way. I don’t know if I have it in me to rely on someone, you know?”
Audrey nodded. “Of course, I know. But there’s this thing; have you ever heard of it? It’s called baby steps.”
I arched an eyebrow. “What d’you mean?”
“It means you just take things one tiny step at a time and don’t worry about what happens next—just one tiny step at a time, one happy day at a time. Like, you enjoyed today with Cole, and you don’t need to worry about anything else. It’s a baby step. What about that?”
“I’ll make you a deal. I will baby step my ass through this trip. Then, I will try to baby step through your wedding. Does that sound okay?” I asked.
Audrey smiled and nudged me playfully. “That sounds great. This trip is going to be fun.”
“What the heck are we doing in Wyoming, anyway?” I asked her. I still had no idea what this trip was about.
Audrey grinned at me. “Two words: dude ranch.”