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“Tonight was the only time in my life where you haven’t been there for me when I needed you. And I forgive you, because you’re dealing with your own shit. But as my husband, I needed you this week. Not my mom, or Hayden, or Willie.” I paused when Rager lifted his head and rolled his eyes, not surprised Willie had shown up. “Or anyone else that was at our house today, whenyouweren’t.”
Rager, during our five years together, could talk his way out of anything with a smile and his suggestive flirting. But this, he couldn’t. We had to deal with it. Here and now.
“I can’t be what you need me to be, honey.” His words broke apart. “I can’t even get through the fucking day lately.”
I sat up to face him and righted my shirt. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for Caden’s accident.”
“My accident.Ihithim.”
“No.” I cupped his red face in my hands, his tears spilling over my hands. “He was already flipping. You had nowhere to go.”
He let out a harsh breath, as if he couldn’t believe I’d make an excuse for him. “It doesn’t change the fact that his career is over because of me.”
“We don’t know that,” I argued, shifting on the bed to sit up. “There’s new advances every day.”
“Don’t do that,” he snapped, pushing away from me. He sat up and yanked at his hair that had now grown back. “Don’t try to make me see the bright side of this. His fucking career is over, and I’m just supposed to go back to racing like it didn’t happen?” His eyes narrowed on mine as he dropped his hand to the bed. “I don’t think so. Do me a favor. Stop trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m doing this because I have to, because being married to you like this is fucking difficult. When was the last time you let yourself smile and have fun? When was the last time you played with the kids?”
Blinking slowly, he didn’t answer because he couldn’t remember.
“I’m not going to let you keep beating yourself up over this. There’s so much shit that we could blame ourselves for that happens at the track.”
“Do not bring Jack up,” he growled. “Your brother already did.”
“And he’s right to. So many of us could be held responsible for that night, and did. But there comes a point when you have to forgive before you destroy yourself.”
Rager drew in a long breath and closed his eyes. “You know what he said to me? The first thing he said to me when I walked into that room and saw him lying there?”
I was dying to know. He hadn’t told me anything about their conversation even though I pried many times. “What?”
“Before I could say anything to him, he smiled and said, ‘Don’t you dare apologize, or feel bad for me. Because I’m not mad, or bitter, or whatever else you think I might be feeling. I’m… thankful to still be breathing and given a second chance.’”
Tears rolled down both our cheeks again. “So why can’t you forgive yourself for something that wasn’t in your control?”
“Because he’s nineteen and his entire career was taken from him.”
“Rager, we could argue this all night long. For months, but we shouldn’t. You’re alive. I’m alive.” I opened my shirt and showed him my black and blue chest for the first time. “We don’t have forever. No one does. To waste time feeling sorry for ourselves, or beating ourselves up over what happened doesn’t change it. It only prolongs the hurt.” I took his hand and placed it on my tits, and my heart. “I love you, even though you’ve been a big fat jerk lately.” He snorted, a ghost of a smile surfacing as he stared at my chest.
Breathing slowly, he nodded. “I’ll try to be less of a jerk.”
“Good. Because our sons have that covered,” I teased.
His hand cupped my breast carefully, his lashes wet. “Are you sure we can’t have sex?” He licked his lips slowly. “Because even though these look like you dipped them in grape Kool-Aid, they’re fucking hot.”
I looked down at them. “That’s what Willie said, but don’t get too attached. They’re swollen. They won’t always be this big.”
His jaw snapped closed, his glare instant. I’m thinking it wasn’t the “don’t get too attached” part of what I said that pissed him off. “You fucking showed him your tits before me?”
See? Told you. “No, but might have showed my mom and Hayden… and Lily.”
Growling, he flipped me over so I was flat against the mattress, as carefully as he could. He pinned my hands to the pillow with one of his. Slowly, he brought his weight down on me. “They’re mine. All of you is mine,” he breathed, bringing our mouths together.
I slipped one hand from his and to his chest. “Then let me in here.”
“You’ve always been there,” he assured me, just before he entered me.
Grid – Lineup of cars before the start of the race.