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I shifted my stance. “Both, I guess.”
“One more than the other.” And then he walked away without giving me a true answer.
Annoyed, I made my way into the office where Lily, Mom, Bailey, and Hayden were going through merchandise. We’d taken all of Caden’s shirts and added them to Dad’s trailer, and Casten, Axel, and Rager were sharing one for the final West Coast swing since both Mom and I wouldn’t be around.
Caden’s merchandise sales were unreal. He was making more off selling T-shirts and hats than he was racing, as crazy as that sounded. Everyone in the racing community wanted to support him, and did. Tracks all around the world were raising money for him and their family. It brought tears to my eyes just thinking about the closeness of the family we’d created.
And the man next to me, staring at the display cabinet of helmets lining the showroom, it started with him and that first helmet on the wall. Cherry red with black-and-white checkers on it. The smallest of the helmets next to the one Jack wore.
That helmet, that first cherry-red one was the one Dad wore racing quarter midgets at Elma. He was four years old at the time. Dad sighed and locked the cabinet after placing Caden’s helmet in there. I had no idea he had it.
“I sure do miss that kid.”
He nodded. “You and me both.”
“How’s he doing?” I talked to Kinsley a lot, shared pictures of the kids, but I hadn’t personally talked to Caden, and Rager didn’t exactly open up these days.
“He’s in good spirits. Frustrated, but that’s to be expected.” He sighed. “It’s hard to rid yourself of that hopeless feeling when your recovery isn’t going as fast as you want it to.”
“Do you think he’s going to walk again?”
“I hope so. I’d love to have him in a car again. He made this team something special.”
He did. Caden had fit so easily in with JAR Racing he felt like a part of the family instantly. I hated not having them around.
KNOXVILLE NATIONALS
KNOXVILLE RACEWAY
KNOXVILLE, IOWA
BEING AT THEtrack again was a surreal experience. It was like when we came home in November at the end of every season. It always felt good to be at home, but unfamiliar. You forgot where things were, or that you didn’t have to turn the water off in the middle of your shower to conserve water. The kids had toys they hadn’t seen in months. It was crazy. But eventually the initial shock wore off and you got comfortable being at home again.
That was what it was like when we left for Knoxville. It was like going home to a place where we were comfortable. I loved camping there for the week, but everything felt strange. Not only were Caden and Kinsley missing, but Rager’s mood was completely off. He snapped at everyone, refused to talk to any press, and hid out in the hauler most of the time, denying fans any chance at seeing him.
I thought it was because he didn’t want anyone asking him about Caden, but I wasn’t entirely sure. He also, avoided the questions when I did ask and covered it up with sex. Which, we had a lot of that week. In the hauler, the motor home, behind a building, anywhere we could, he wanted to fuck.
I didn’t deny him because I knew after this week, it’d be a while. I also thought if I could provide a distraction for him, I would.
Knoxville was never short of excitement. Like two-seater sprint cars.
Thursday afternoon, Casten ended up taking Gray, who refused to get out of the damn thing, and his wife for a ride. I think he regretted taking Hayden the moment they got out.
Hayden smacked Casten when she removed the helmet, her hair all over the place. “You crazy fuck. You nearly killed me.”
He rolled his eyes, setting his helmet on the four-wheeler next to them. “I did not.”
“Bullshit, asshole. Did you not see how close you were to the wall?” She waved her hand dramatically at the track.
“I saw, but you weren’t as close as you think.” Casten blew it off, but when Tommy pointed to the right rear tire that was now flat, he stood in front of it so that his wife didn’t notice.
Pace had been begging Rager to take him, but the track officials wouldn’t allow it. Hell, I didn’t want to allow it. Dad wasn’t even excited when Casten took Gray in it, let alone a four-year-old, and put his foot down. “No,” Dad snapped at Pace, not meaning to, but if you understood how dangerous that was, you’d understand why my Dad wasn’t pleased by any of this.
“Sorry, buddy,” Rager explained, his attention half on his son clinging to his hand, and the other on the track. “It’s not for little kids.”
“I’m not that little,” he argued, yanking hard on Rager’s hand. It jolted him to the side and effectively made him pay attention to our boy. “See? I’m strong. I can handle it.”
Rager let go of his hand and kneeled beside him. “It’s too dangerous.”