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Rager was at the shop meeting with Dad and going over him returning to racing for Knoxville Nationals. It was a month away, which I thought was too soon, but Rager was driven. He refused to take no for an answer, and when one doctor told him no, he’d go to another.
Hayden and I made the drive to help Caden and Kinsley get situated in their apartment they had in Charlotte. He was in a wheelchair, had a neck and back brace, and a shaved head with a nasty scar. Along with the scars, he had metal rods in his neck, back, and hundreds of stitches.
Despite looking physically awful, I reminded myself, he was here, giving us shit and laughing with us the entire drive here. He even talked us into stopping at a gas station where he bought a hundred dollars-worth of candy. I didn’t think that was possible, until Caden.
We stopped off at the shop to get their clothes from the motor home. That was the saddest part of the entire trip. A month ago, we’d been traveling around the country, and now that part of their life was over. Caden stayed in the car the entire time. I didn’t think he wanted to go into the shop and be reminded of what he was missing. We also had both wrecked cars in there, and I knew he didn’t want to see that.
At their apartment, Hayden and I carried a box inside of deliveries they had waiting for them.
Caden laughed as Kinsley pushed him down the sidewalk. “I can carry that. I’m basically a hand truck.”
I laughed. “I got it.”
Caden, though extremely disappointed about racing, had kept his sense of humor up. At least around us. I was sure Kinsley saw the real heartache when they were alone.
Inside their apartment, you could tell they hadn’t had a chance to arrange anything. They still had everything in boxes from when they moved here over the winter from California.
“How’s he really doing?” I asked Kinsley when we were alone, grabbing the last of their clothes she had in their motor home.
“He’s… emotional. His therapist said it’s to be expected but he gets angry and frustrated that he can’t do anything for himself. And racing… you know.”
I nodded. “I can’t imagine what you guys must be going through.” Some people had a passion for racing. Others, it was their life and if you said to them, you couldn’t get back in that car, their life was over as far as they were concerned.
“Your dad offered me a job with JAR Racing.”
“I heard.”
“I want to take it. I’d love to still be a part of everything, but I can’t. I can’t take care of him, and the baby, without help,” she told me. “There’s a spinal cord therapy place in Atlanta.” Kinsley walked with me and when we got to the door, she stared at Caden holding the baby on his lap and smiling at her. “Caden’s mom is going to go with us.”
Though I didn’t want her to leave, I understood her reasoning and it got me thinking about what I’d do if this had happened to me. What if Rager had been paralyzed? Would I continue to travel with my family? Would I even want to be a part of the racing world anymore? When my Grandpa died, I couldn’t look at a sprint car for months without thinking it was a death machine. When Jack died, I didn’t even want to be at the track. Now?
I wasn’t sure. I knew the moment Rager got inside the car again I’d have that same pit in my stomach as I always did. I’d obsess over the what ifs and look at our babies and think to myself, “soak it up because this may be the last time he holds them.” I hated thinking that way, but it came with the sport. Everyone here knew it.
“I don’t know what’s harder.” Kinsley paused, running the sleeve of her JAR Racing hoodie over her eyes. “The fact that he’s paralyzed or that I’m going to be raising a baby on my own while he’s recovering. He can’t change diapers or chase after her when she starts crawling or even lay her down in bed. But what really sucks, whatreallymakes me sad is that I loved our lives. It will never be like that again. I’m never going to hear the words ‘Quick time!’ shouted through the loudspeakers or watch him stand on the wing at Knoxville Nationals. I loved traveling around to the different tracks with you guys and our race life. Now… I don’t know where that leaves us. Everything is changing so fast I can’t keep up with it.”
I wanted to comfort her and tell her that wasn’t the case, but sadly, it was. And we both knew how incredibly different our lives could be by one second that changed everything forever.
Tears rolled down her cheeks and she sucked in a breath. “I keep remembering the last thing he said to me before he got in that car.”
“What did he say?” Hayden asked, stuffing a cookie in her mouth, crumbs all over her shirt and all down in her cleavage. I hadn’t even realized she’d come outside with us.
I glared. “We brought those for her and Caden, not you, jerk.”
“Oh, please, he ate like fifteen bags of Skittles on the drive here. He doesn’t need cookies,” Hayden pointed out. “And I’m fuckin’ starving. You’re the jerk,jerk.”
Kinsley smiled at us. “He saidkiss me after the race. It’ll mean more then. And all I could think about when he was lying in that coma for so long was, wake up so I can get my kiss.”
And now I was crying. “You can still work with JAR Racing.” I wanted to offer her something, if anything. There wasn’t much I could say that would be comforting to her, but a job would be, right?
Kinsley sighed, her eyes on Caden and the baby. “Maybe after his inpatient therapy he’ll get better, but if not, I think we’re gonna move back home to be with family.”
“We’re family.” Hayden looked offended, tears rolling down her cheeks.
At first I didn’t know how to reply. Hayden never cried. But then I focused on Kinsley. I could understand what Kinsley wanted. Call me crazy, but I totally understood what Kinsley meant when she said she loved her life. This road life, it was something to appreciate. Traveling around the country in a coach, a different track every night, random Walmart’s as campsites, and the occasional early morning parking lot motor heat. It wasn’t for everyone, but once you experienced it, there was nothing else like it. I couldn’t imagine anything else, but now Kinsley was being forced to reshape those plans they’d made.
Kinsley laughed through her tears, hugging Hayden to her side. “See, I’m going to miss you guys.”
“You’re still welcome to come with us any time.”