Page 230

He glanced back at me and grimaced. “Have youeverplayed the what-if game?”

“I…” I kneaded the dough gently with my fingers. “Is it a board game?”

“No, it’s… Have you ever thought about a choice you made and how… if you had made a different choice, what might have happened? Like how your life would be different.”

“Oh!” I grinned. “Daily.”

“Me too. It’s depressing to think that my might have been is better than my reality.”

“Isn’t that true for all of us, though? If I had gone to a better college, or had never broken up with that guy or the other.”

“If I hadn’t taken a job in another city instead of staying in the one place that’s always felt like home.”

“Ah…” The point had been finally made. “You miss Colorado that bad?”

“I wasn’t actually talking about the state or the city,” he muttered and glanced down at the floor. “I was… You know what? It’s silly, so… Let’s just move on.”

“No. There is nothing silly about you except for your taste in sweaters, which is brilliantly garish. But it’s also so very you. What are you trying to say?”

“I missed you. You’re home to me.” It was barely more than a whisper, but it sounded so loud to me.

My stomach twisted, flipped, and then punched me. “You’re home to me, too. I was serious about you moving in with me, you know?” I grabbed a towel and wiped off my fingers.

“I… God, my mind is just a fucking mess.” He blushed.

“Maybe we should quiet it down with something else?”

“Dinner is not done. Hell, you haven’t even cooked the noodles.”

“I haven’t even made the noodles. But… I was thinking of something else.”

“What?”

“You know what? If I’m going to hell, I might as well just…” I walked around the island and placed his face between my hands. “Just go with me on this, ok?”

I leaned down and pressed my lips against his. I could feel his body stiffen in surprise at the contact. His lips were so soft and warm. I let them linger for a moment. Then fear shot through me like lightning. I began to pull away, and his hand ran over the back of my neck.

Our kiss deepened. His lips parted. My heart raced as I slowly pressed my tongue against his. My heart steadied as our breath became one.

But my mind raced as my best friend and I kissed. What had I done? Had I changed everything? Would it be for the better, or would all of the fears I had felt become true?

His hand slid off my neck and cupped my cheek. He slowly pulled back.

“What was that?” He narrowed his eyes.

“I…” I stood there and couldn’t figure out what to do with my hands. I felt like an idiot.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“But…” My feet felt like lead, and all I could do was stand there and look anywhere else in the room but at him.

“No buts.” He reached out and took my hand in his. “I love you. I… I’m just a little surprised that you… I mean, that’s what that meant, right?”

“Love you? With all of my heart, Marti. But since you’ve been gone, I… I wondered why it hurt so much that you weren’t here. I thought maybe… I thought I might be alone in this, you know?”

“Me too. But it scares me, Ryder? Do you know what I’m saying?”

“I do. My heart is about to jump out of my chest, man.”