Page 19

Then, for a solid minute, I watch the ash from the firepit float up, up, up into a new existence, and I ponder what to say or do next. She thinks I hate her, which couldn’t be further from the truth, but revealing my feelings would be pointless.
We tried to kiss.
Triedbeing the operative word because what the fuck was that?
“So…” she says out of nowhere, leaning into my side. “With the whole ‘fake girlfriend helping you better yourself’ thing…”
She’s warm against me, and I’m tempted to put my arm around her, pull her closer. I don’t. Instead, I say, “I don’t recall stating it in those terms, but okay?”
“You’d be okay doing it with me… knowing my past is what it is?”
“So it’s true?” I ask, and it doesn’t really matter, but it’s all people talk about at school, and Harlow—she doesn’t seem like the type to just sit down and take it… if it was just a rumor.
“What if it is?”
I shrug. “I mean, it’s not my first choice, but it’s not as if I have other options.”
“Jesus,” she murmurs, and she’s pulling away before I can stop her. Not that I’d try.
I turn to her, but don’t make eye contact. “What?”
“That was kind of mean, Jace.”
I think it’s the first time she’s ever said my name—at least to me—and I don’t know how I feel about it. Harlow’s slow intake of breath is a prologue to the silence that then falls between us. I look up at the night sky, wishing the darkness would swallow me whole. I should probably apologize, though I don’t really know what for? For telling her the truth?
I open my mouth to speak, but she beats me to it. “Would I have to go to your games?”
I’m grateful for the subject change. In fact, I’m grateful for Harlow in general. I just didn’t know how much. “The season doesn’t start until November and by then, we would’ve already…” I trail off.
“Fucked?” she finishes for me, and swear, she says it just to watch me squirm, because it’s exactly what I do.
She laughs at my expense, and it doesn’t bother me the way it should. Then she scoots closer, resting her head on my shoulder. I can smell her hair—the flowers or spices or whatever—and it makes me dizzy in ways I can’t explain. “I haven’t been to a game since…”
Shit.
Shit, fuck, shit.
This is why people don’t like me, or at the very least, don’t like to be around me. I say and do dumb shit without thinking about others. I’m selfish. But at least I know that I’m selfish, and it’s the reason I choose to be alone. So I don’t hurt the people around me…
…like I’ll inevitably end up hurting her.
11
Harlow
“I’m sorry,” Jace murmurs. “I wasn’t think?—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupt, and it really is. I understand why some people don’t want to be reminded of the people they’ve loved and lost, but I’m not one of them.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t have a choice in the matter. One night, I went to bed with recollections of a big brother who cared for me in my darkness, and the next… my mom took away everything that was his and stripped me of all memories of him.
“How much do you know about him?” As far as I’m aware, people at school know I screwed one of my brother’s coaches. I have no idea how much more than that Jace knows.
“I know that his name’s Harley, which is kind of cute,” he answers, and it’s such an odd word coming from his mouth to my ears.Cute.“Harley and Harlow.”
“My parents thought the same,” I tell him, shaking my head. “It probably should’ve been the first sign that I’d forever live in his shadow.” I don’t say it to talk shit on the dead or disrespect my brother, but facts are facts.
“Did you enjoy watching him play?”