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Fifty-nine
Henley
Everything is back to normal, just like Conner said it would be. After my mother got what she wanted, I emailed my resignation to Margo at the library and packed my bags. Two hours later, I was on private plane, on my way to London.
Jeremy and I announced our engagement on Christmas Eve, surrounded by our families, according to plan. He got down on one knee and put the ring on my finger. It was formality my mother insisted on. She feigned surprise, sniffling and wiping happy tears from her cheeks before getting down to the business of planning the social affair of the season, with Jeremy’s mother.
The entire wedding was planned by New Year’s Eve, right down to the seating chart.
I’ve been on the verge of screaming for nearly three months now.
Jeremy and I don’t talk anymore. Not like we used to. There are no more boat trips around the harbor. No more late-night bitch sessions in my room. He shows up to take me to dinner or to the theater a few times a week. We make sure we’re seen kissing or cuddling. I smile and brush his hair off his forehead. I smooth my hands down the lapels of his suit jacket. Straighten his tie. I make sure the engagement ring he gave me is on full display. Make sure everyone who’s watching us with envy is blinded by its sparkle.
And then I come home, throw it in my bedside drawer and cry myself to sleep.
That’s what my life is. Appearances and photo-ops. Social gatherings and charity events, over and over, on an endless loop.
Sometimes I’ll wake up in the small hours of the morning, when it’s dark and quiet, and the first thing I’ll think is Conner is awake. I like to pretend that we’re the only two people in the world who are and that he’s thinking about me, the way I’m thinking about him.
I expected someone to call. Maybe not Conner but certainly Tess, even if all she did was yell at me for leaving the way I did. For just disappearing again, without so much as a see you later.
She forgave me once, I don’t think she’ll do it again.
That’s okay.
I don’t expect her to forgive me.
How can I expect her to forgive me when I can’t even forgive myself?
Even though it’s January and everything is frozen black and covered in snow, I’m sitting in the garden. It’s the only place in the whole house where I can seem to catch my breath. Even my library is tainted somehow. She’s poisoned everything. Taken away everything I care about. Everyone I love.
She didn’t take anything away.
You gave them to her.
Jeremy will be picking me up in a few hours. His father is hosting a benefit to promote clean energy in third-world counties and we’re expected to attend. That’s where my mother is. She’s on the planning committee. I’m supposed to be getting ready, but I can’t seem to make myself care enough to go inside.
I can’t seem to make myself care about a lot of things.
“There’s a Mr. Gilroy here to see you, miss.”
My head snaps up on my neck, so fast I feel my brain reel around inside my skull.
Conner.
Conner is here.
As soon as my eyes focus on the maid, shivering in the doorway they shift past her to land on the man standing behind her.
Not Conner.
Declan.
“Send him out, Lucy.” I stand up from my seat and watch as he approaches, surprised that my legs will hold me. He doesn’t smile when he sees me.
“Henley?” he says, his face tight with concern, while he takes in the bathrobe I’m wearing. “It’s freezing cold. What are you doing out here?”
“Breathing.” I smile at him before sitting down again. “It took longer than I thought it would.”