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One
Henley
2009
I can’t find it.
The ring Conner gave me. It’s gone, and I can’t find it. I’ve been on my hands and knees for hours, scouring the floor of my room, but it’s gone.
I keep looking, though, because I have to find it. If I find it and put it back on then, he’ll see it and know that I’m sorry. That I didn’t mean it.
That I love him.
After he left, I don’t know how long I stood there, feet rooted to the floor, staring at the place where he climbed through my window and left.
Okay, Henley. You win.
The look he gave me when he said it told me everything I needed to know.
He was giving up.
On me.
On trying to make me believe in him.
In us.
Through fighting me.
For me.
I pushed him too hard and too far and I finally got what I wanted. What I’d been waiting for. What I told myself would happen all along.
Okay, Henley. You win.
Somehow, I ended up in bed, curled up on my side. Eyes wide open, staring out the window. I told myself I wasn’t waiting for him. Hoping he’d come back so I could tell him I didn’t mean it. That I was hurt and angry but that I didn’t want to break up.
That I was sorry.
That I loved him.
When I heard footsteps on the fire escape outside my window, I jumped up. Rushed to the window and threw it open, mouth open and ready to say it. All of it. Everything I’ve been thinking and feeling since he left piled up inside me, pushing and crowding chest. My throat. My mouth. It was all there, ready to be spilled.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
I believe you.
But it wasn’t Conner.
“Thank, Hen.” Ryan gives me a smile, the quick flash of it pushing me back, farther and farther until I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, watching while my brother climbs through the open window before he turns to close it behind him.
“How was Caleb’s party?” I don’t know why I ask. I never do. Probably because I don’t want him to think I’m hurt by the fact that he’s never once invited me. Included me.
“Alright.” He shrugs. “Everybody was talking about you.” He doesn’t sound angry about it. He almost sounds proud. “You fucked Jessica up pretty good.”
You’re like the Gilroy family pet.