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The front door was unlocked, but that wasn’t a surprise. Sarah would have beat us here. When I stepped inside and didn’t immediately spot her in the living room, I went to the small kitchen, expecting to find her making a cup of tea. That had always been her go-to when dealing with heavy shit, and she’d consider war between the Horsemen and Jackals to be heavy. I stopped in my tracks just inside the kitchen.

“No, no, no, no, no.” The word tumbled from my lips over and over.

Sarah was splayed out on the dining table, her hands stretched out and pinned down to the table with large knives. Blood was everywhere, dripping off the finished wood and making a soft pattering sound as it hit the linoleum flooring. I stumbled toward her, something inside me twisting in a way that made me sick to my stomach.

“No. Fuck. Come on, Sarah, breathe.” I commanded as I reached the table, my hands falling to her chest and starting some semblance of compressions.

On some level, I knew it was pointless. Sarah’s throat had been slashed, and the cuts along her body were all deep. Her jaw was slack, allowing her mouth to hang open just enough tosee that someone had cut out her tongue. Still, I couldn’t stop. Incoherent words spilled from my lips as I desperately tried to bring her back to life.

“Leighton,” Craig’s voice was soft as his hand landed on my shoulder. “She’s gone. You gotta stop man, she’s not coming back from this.”

I ignored him, continuing to do compressions even as I felt her ribs snap under my hands. I was vaguely aware of my name being spoken again before a hand jerked my shoulder, pulling me away and turning me from Sarah’s lifeless form.

“NO!” I roared, violently shrugging out of Az’s hand and turning back to the table. “I can’t let this happen. Notthis.Not again!”

There was a wetness down my face I didn’t quite understand, and I swiped it away with my hand, smearing Sarah’s blood across my cheeks. My eyes burned and blurred, but the wetness still came. Az tugged at me again, hard enough to spin me around before he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hold that almost resembled a hug.

“She’s gone, Leighton.” He murmured, and something inside me cracked open wide.

Everything I had refused to feel came surging forward. Feelings I didn’t even know I was capable of crashed over me, threatening to drag me under.

“It’s my fault. It’s my fucking fault.” I cried out, my voice cracking on a sob. “I shouldn’t have asked her to get intel. I got her killed. She’s gone, just like Rich. I can’t.. I can’t...”

I felt Craig move in, adding his arms to the hold Az had me in and I wanted to rage against them. I didn’t deserve their comfort.

“This isn’t on you, Leighton.” Az said.

“Yes, it is.” I insisted. “Just like Rich. If I had prepared more, stashed more weapons… Thought shit through like healways told me I needed to do, neither of them would be dead. He would still be here and I wouldn’t have had a reason to ask Sarah to dig up information.”

“There’s nothing any of us could have done differently.” Craig replied in a tone meant to be soothing.

His words hit something inside me that streaked blinding pain through my entire body, and I fought to break out of their hold. They only closed in tighter, forcing me to bear the weight of their bodies as their arms tightened to keep me from breaking free.

“This isn’t your fault, Leighton.” Az insisted again.

I wanted to shove him away, but I couldn’t. He and Craig were holding me too tightly between them for me to do much more than squirm.

“I knew we were at war and I didn’t prepare. I was too busy having fun. Too busy not thinking things through and just revelling in the hunt. I should…” Tears streamed down my face, and I realized I’d been crying the whole time, something I’d never actually done in all the time I could remember. “I should have…"

“No.” Craig’s voice was hard enough to break through the guilt drowning me alive. “All of us can say we should have done something different. That doesn’t make it our fault. That doesn’t make it your fault either, Leighton.”

“Hindsight is a bitch,” Az added. “But we couldn’t have done anything differently than we did. You did everything you should have done, Leighton.Youare the reason the rest of us are standing here. Candy’s men were going to put a bullet in each of our heads after she took off with Craig. You stopped them.You. Not me, not Joey. You.”

“But–”

“No but’s man. You know I’m right.” Az cut me off.

“Why does it hurt so badly, then? I’m not the guy that feels things, but I… fuck, it hurts.”

“You’ve always felt things, L. You just didn’t acknowledge it or know how to process it.” Craig replied. “It’s okay to hurt. We’re all hurting over Rich.”

“I wish he were still here,” I whispered.

Craig and Az squeezed me tighter in response, letting me take as much time as I needed to find my way through the tidal wave of unfamiliar emotions that had burst free. I couldn’t say how long we stood there in some strange three-person bear hug, but eventually, I found my way back to the surface.

“Are you gonna be alright for now?” Az asked gently as they released me from their hold.

“Yes…no… fuck I have no idea.” I replied with a shake of my head.