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“When the boys were coming up, Rich and I always spent our time in the garden. We didn’t have near the space of this place back in south side, but we were proud of it.” She closed the door behind us and ushered me toward a small table off to the side. There were pictures of Rich and Joey as little boys at varying ages, and it made my heart clench. “I took up gardening before the boys came along. Ian and I struggled to have children, and after my first miscarriage I needed something to do with myself. And this was what just clicked for me. Making things grow was comforting.”

She picked up a picture of a teenage Rich, Joey looked to be just older than a toddler. I couldn’t help but giggle at the image. Rich was dirty, with smudges on his face, soil-stained jeans, and wearing gloves with a smile on his face. Joey, conversely, looked like he’d rather be anywhere but there. “When we were finally blessed with Rich, he was always out in the dirt with me; it was what we shared. I taught him everything I’d learned until he started teaching me new things. He had a way with plants.”

“Yes, he did. Everything in my mom’s old greenhouse was immaculate after he started working there. I was surprised that someone like him was even interested in gardening, or flowers of all things.” I set the picture back down, letting my fingers trail over a couple of others on the table that made me smile. A five- or six-year-old Rich was in muddy clothes with a potted flower that looked like it was drowning in all the water in the pot. Another of a toddler Rich, with Dawn, playing in the dirt while she was kneeling in the garden next to him.

“People had all kinds of assumptions about him. Well, no… assumptions is the wrong word. They weren’t necessarily wrong, but they would have been surprised by how much more he was than the image he presented to the world. He could be hard, gruff, serious, even ruthless. But…” She trailed off, turning to idly tend to a shelf of sprouts nearby. “He always enjoyed being part of making things grow, breathing life into his plants. We knew what he had to be to do the job he’d made for himself, but I know my boys. He stuck to his morals as best he could, and we were always proud of him.”

My eyes burned again, and my gut twisted, listening to Dawn talk about her son. The affection in her voice was unmistakable, and I felt like I wanted to be sick. I knew if it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t have had to bury one of her children. It took an immense effort to stay in my spot and not back out of the greenhouse.

“I always regretted that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let people close enough to him to know how deeply he did feel, how much he cared… about all of you. About everything. He would have traded his life for…” Her voice cracked, and I felt something in me do the same thing. Fresh tears started spilling from my eyes. “For any one of the people he loved.”

I gripped the table to keep myself standing, breathing heavily as a wave of grief crashed over me. Richdidtrade his lifefor us. Dawn and Ian had lost a son. Joey lost his brother. Az, Craig, and Leighton had lost one of their closest friends. I was never going to be able to forgive myself for costing them that.

“I’m so… so fucking sorry…” I choked out as a sob shook my chest. Dawn turned to face me, her eyes wide. She stepped toward me, reaching me just as my knees gave out, and knelt with me when I sank to the ground. She gathered me to her chest as I cried and apologized.

“Shhhh honey. I know.” Dawn crooned, petting my hair and rocking me slightly. I wanted to pull away, but I didn’t have the strength.

She didn’t know. Her and Ian’s grief, Joey’s anger, the weight on Az’s shoulders, Craig’s tears, and even Leighton’s refusal to acknowledge what was happening… The voice in my head wouldn’t stop screaming that it was all my fault.

“None of this is your fault,” She said as she continued to soothe me. “The boys may not have liked me and Ian in their business, but Rich told me about your situation. Sometimes, even mob bosses need advice from their mothers.” She chuckled lightly before continuing. “From everything he told me, this mess has been about our boys all along. You just happened to be the carrot that got dangled from the stick. If it hadn’t been you, it would’ve beensomething, but this way, we can know he was truly loved for everything he was before he left this world.”

“But, if I–.” I started to protest.

Dawn pulled back enough to look me in the eyes, her hands gently squeezing my shoulders. “When he decided on his line of work, I knew there was likely going to be a day I put one or all of my boys to rest. It’s why we fought him so hard on it for so long. Even long after they’d established themselves in their world. None of it is what a mother ever wants for her child, but Rich… he’s always been stubborn. Stubbornness and a mother’s prayers don’t change what the life they lead costs. Andneither does blaming yourself for something that was always a possibility for them long before you were in the picture. There will be a day when you have to decide if their life is the life for you, or if you’re going to walk away. But I’m gonna tell you now, if you stay, you need to start preparing yourself now for this sort of funeral being a given for your future. Whether it’s one of them or another in their ranks. Only you know if that’s something you’re strong enough to endure.”

The tears had stopped while she talked, and I was just sitting curled against her, considering her words. Before this, I hadn’t really thought that any of my men would die despite everything I’d seen. Could I go through this again?

“And honey, you’re entitled to make whatever choice is best for you, but I hope for their sake that you choose them. Because I know my boys well enough to know that if you walk away, you’re going to take part of them with you.”

Chapter Nine

Victoria

After I chatted with Dawn in the greenhouse, I went back to exploring the house. It didn't take long for me to fully explore, and I found myself outside the home office. Az was seated behind the desk, his hands tugging at his hair in frustration as he studied something on the laptop in front of him. Clearly, he was stressed, and if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication, he wasn't sleeping well either.

Before I could second-guess myself, I strolled into the room. “You remind me of my mother right now,” I said with a soft smile, causing Az's gaze to snap to mine.

“I’m not sure how I should take that, Love.” He replied, the corners of his lips tugging down.

“She used to work herself into the ground too. Just like you appear to be doing right now. Come to think of it, my father is also a workaholic. I suppose that means I was destined to follow her footsteps and find my own.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Prudence would have loved the idea of you ending up with guys like us.” Az snorted. “Her ideal workaholic for you was probably a doctor or a lawyer. Not four mobsters.”

Shrugging, I let my fingers trail along the desk as I moved around it to step into his space. “She wouldn’t have cared about the things you think. She’d have only cared that you make me happy and that you’re all good men.”

Az studied my face as if searching for something. “I’m glad you’re happy, Love, but… We’re not good men.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re the boogeymen,” I rolled my eyes and pushed on his shoulder, making him scoot the chair back so I could slide into his lap. “I’m going to find you under my bed one day just waiting to gobble me up.”

His hands settled around my waist as he chuckled. “Yes, exactly. We’re going to eat you up. But, that’s not what I meant and you know it. Good men, they do the ‘right thing’ all the time. They’re selfless. We’re the farthest thing you can get from that.”

“You’re–”

“If we ever lost you,” his arms tightened around my waist, “it’d be everyone’s fucking problem until we got you back. I’d step on every neck, and burn every bridge until the whole city was on fire if that’s what it took to have you returned to me… to us.”

“That’s probably true,” I replied, Leighton’s tendency to create chaos coming to mind. “But you’d never hurt me, and if I wanted to go…"

“That’s the only way Icouldlet you go,” Az interjected, finishing my thought. “If you wanted to leave, of your own accord, Love, Iwouldlet you. It would be the hardest fucking thing I’d ever do, but I would.”