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I fall into step beside her, and silently we make our way to the car.
She says a few words, but nothing about the conversation we started in the jacuzzi, and once I hit the freeway and decide to bring it up, I notice that she’s fallen asleep.
At least I achieved my goal; she’s a little more relaxed.
All I need now is to find Grams awake and alert, and the three of us can have a good afternoon.
Sadly, just under an hour later, it’s clear that isn’t how we’re going to spend the rest of our day.
6
EFFIE
The instant I saw the grim expression on one of the nurse’s faces as we walked through the care home, I knew.
So, when we slipped into Grams’ room, at least it wasn’t a surprise when she turned and looked straight through me.
She didn’t say a word. It’s all I can do to suck in my next breath as pain radiates through me.
The second Kieran saw it, he reached for my hand and squeezed in support to let me know that he was there.
It helped—of course it did. His presence over the past few hours has meant everything to me. But it’s never going to be quite enough, because he can’t fix this.
No one can.
I have no other option but to sit around here and wait for this hideous disease to steal the most important person in my life.
But despite feeling like I’m dying inside, I don’t let it show.
If experience has taught me anything, it’s that things can flip on a dime, and any second she could find herself again. When—if—that happens, she won’t see me sad and miserable.
She deserves better than that. So instead, I attempt to swallow down the giant lump of emotion in my throat and hold my head high as I walk to her bedside.
Kieran watches the entire thing. His concerned stare burns into me as I greet Grams and kiss her on her cool cheek, but he doesn’t say a word. Not until I make it obvious that it’s his turn to talk to her.
Watching him lift her tiny hand to his lips so he can kiss her knuckles makes the ball of emotion clogging my throat grow even larger, but I just about hold myself together.
“I took Effie to a fancy new spa this morning,” he starts as he lowers his ass to the farthest chair from her, knowing full well that I’ll want to take the closest. “You’ve been treated like a queen, isn’t that right, Effie?”
I smile at him, loving how he so easily falls into this. I know it’s awkward and uncomfortable talking to someone who clearly has no idea who you are. I’m sure he’s got a million other things he could be doing right now. But he isn’t. He’s here with us.
His words from earlier in the jacuzzi come back to me, and guilt floods through my veins.
“I mean it, Effie. Anything you need, anything you want, all you’ve got to do is tell me. I’d raise hell for you if necessary, and you know it.”
He would, too. Which is why I feel so awful for keeping my mouth shut about what I’ve done.
I’ve never lied to Kieran. Hell, I’ve never lied to Grams before either, and yet here we are.
I tell myself like I have done a million times over the past few weeks, that it’s a means to an end.
My fingers drop to my ring, and I twist it around, hoping that it’ll calm my nerves and banish my guilt. But it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse, because with Grams lost in her own mind, it means I don’t need to shift the ring to the other hand and keep up this facade.
Pushing all that aside, I reach for her hand and continue what Kieran started, telling her all about the spa this morning.
She stares at me as if she’s listening intently to what I have to say, but I know she’s not. I doubt she even hears my words.
The only noise she makes is to cough, and each time she does, it’s like someone pulls another strip of my heart away.