Page 73 of Zero Divergence
So, Marcus had been repentant in the beginning and had sought his priest’s guidance. He’d said he was going to tell Candi so they could attend counseling. Had he told her three years ago when the affair had first begun? Had they attended counseling without him knowing it? It was possible. It hadn’t been his business, after all.
There was an audible click where the tape had stopped. Thinking it was over, Royce glanced down and saw his player was still running, so the sound must’ve come from Father David’s equipment when he made the recording. A second click occurred a few seconds later, followed by rustling clothes.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been almost three years since my last confession.”
Royce’s stomach twisted from the desolation in his friend’s voice. He’d never heard Marcus sound so lost.
“I haven’t seen you in a long time, son,” Father David said. “You don’t sound well.”
“I’m not well. You know why I stopped coming to church,” Marcus said.
“I suspect, but I don’t know. I thought our marriage counseling sessions were going well. They seemed to help you and Candice. She forgave you, and you were working through your problems. Then you suddenly stopped coming to them and quit attending mass altogether. Why aren’t you well?”
Candi had known.
“Candi wanted to forgive me,” Marcus said softly. “It’s not the same thing as forgiving me. I can’t blame her.”
“It takes time, son,” Father David said.
“I’m having thoughts about hurting myself,” Marcus said. “I can’t stop thinking that Candi and the kids are better off without me. I’ve failed myself and shamed my family. I’ve tried to be a good man. I’ve tried to resist the urges, but it’s like I am a different man when I’m with Crystal.”
“You’re still seeingthatwoman,” the priest said. There was a distinct chill in his voice that had been lacking when the confession began.
“I love Crystal, Father David. She isn’t a villain. I pursued her.”
“She’s a harlot who sells her body to horny men like you, luring them away from their families and every value they hold dear. Is that the kind of example you want to set for your sons? That they can turn their back on their commitments to their wives and children whenever life gets hard. What about your daughter? Is a stripper the kind of woman you want her to associate with?” With each word, the priest’s voice grew tighter and colder. “Forgive my boldness, son, but someone needs to shake some sense into you. Cut ties with that woman before it’s too late. Candice will forgive you again. You’ll feel better for doing the right thing. Pray hard. Try harder.”
“Prayer isn’t working,” Marcus said, weeping full out now. “I still can’t escape the voices, not even when I sleep. I prayed like you instructed me to, but it’s not helping. I think I’m crazy. I feel like I’m on a runaway roller coaster with no end in sight. I keep thinking I need to see a doctor. Get some pills or something. I want to be here for my kids, Father. Candi deserves better. I’m going to do the right thing by her.”
“You’re not crazy. Those voices you hear are the devil whispering in your ear. Counseling will help, if you put forth the effort. Prayer will heal you,” Father David said fervently. “You have to mean it, though. You can’t just go through the motions, or else you’ll fail.”
“I agree,” Marcus said.
“I’m so happy you’ve seen the light,” said Father David, sounding like a smug bastard.
“I’m going to set Candi free and let her find a good man who treats her with respect and adores her. She should have someone like Royce. Maybe if I’m gone, they’ll get together.”
Me?Royce loved his Candi Apple, but desire had never been part of their connection. It was another sign of how disconnected Marcus had been when it came to his wife, and his best friend for that matter.
“Anyway,” Marcus continued, “I know Candi suspects I’m still seeing Crystal, but she’s too afraid to make a break, so I’ll do it for her. I’m already the bad guy, right?”
“You’re making a foolish mistake,” Father David said.
“My mistake was not acting on my feelings sooner and not seeking medical attention.”
“Pills,” Father David scoffed. “You don’t need pharmaceuticals to drive out the devil. Only prayer will fix this. Let me help you, my son.”
Royce’s blood boiled as he listened to the exchange. Marcus continued to talk about his growing despondency, not just his marriage or job frustrations, but with life.
“I feel like I am two different people. The family man and the fraud. These two lives eventually merge into one—a failure.”
Rage turned to deep sorrow from the brokenness in his friend’s voice. “No, Marcus,” Royce whispered. “Human.” A flawed human but one deserving of better advice than what the bastard priest was giving him.
“Living a double life is killing me little by little each day until death feels like the only place where I can find peace.”
Royce could only shake his head as scalding hot tears poured down his face.
“I love Candi, but I haven’t been in love with her for a long time, possibly our entire marriage,” Marcus said. “Candi, the kids, hell, even the whole world, would be better off without me.”