Page 40 of Zero Divergence
“What? No,” Sawyer said, sounding aghast. “Have I given you the impression I think that?”
“No, asshole. It’s all the self-reflecting bullshit I’ve started doing since I met you.” Royce held up his hands and inspected them. “I have fewer scratches on my knuckles since I’m not dragging them around as much anymore.” They laughed at his silly joke. “I meant the way I keep hiding from Marcus’s tape.”
“Knock off the enlightened thinking if you’re only going to produce self-recriminating thoughts. I’d rather kiss your busted knuckles than see you doubt yourself. I have news for you, Ro. I don’t know too many people who would’ve handled this situation with Marcus better than you have. Look how I reacted back there with the senator when a virtual stranger disappointed me. Marcus was more like a brother than a best friend.”
“Sheer terror is preventing me from listening to it,” Royce admitted.
Sawyer reached over and gently squeezed Royce’s knee. “Fear isn’t cowardly, babe. It’s a defense mechanism. You’re starting to heal and don’t want to bust open the wounds.”
Royce covered Sawyer’s hand. “As much as I want to stop hurting, the idea of causing Candi more pain guts me, Sawyer. How the fuck am I supposed to tell her about Amber?”
“You’ve decided to tell her, then?”
Royce nodded. He wasn’t sure when the answer solidified for him, but it had. “I said I wanted to wait until the IA finished their investigation. They’ve cleared him of wrongdoing and Candi has started receiving the benefits owed to her. Do you think it would be selfish of me to burden her with the truth now?”
“I think it’s unfair for you to carry the burden alone,” Sawyer replied.
“I’m not alone. I have you and Holly. I can suck it up and never tell her.”
Sawyer was quiet for a while, and Royce knew he was rolling things around in his brilliant brain. “Is that what you would want if the situation were reversed? Or would you want to know the whole truth so you could find a way to heal?”
“I would want to know, but I’m not sure it’s fair for me to decide for her,” Royce countered.
“So don’t.”
Royce tipped his head and studied Sawyer while he drove. “What do you mean?”
“Why not listen to the tape and find out what you’re dealing with first, then give it to Candi and let her decide if she wants to hear it. If she says no, you can hang on to it in case she changes her mind. If she says yes, you hand it to her and let her listen at a time of her choosing.”
“Is that what you would do?” Royce asked.
Sawyer nodded. “Yes, unless there’s something on the tape that could cause irrevocable damage.”
Royce thought about it for a second. “You don’t think finding out about the affair would be considered irrevocable damage?”
“Like we discussed, I think at some level Candi knew something was wrong in their marriage. Either Marcus had a multiple personality disorder that he could channel at whim and lead two completely separate lives for three years, or he gave distinctive clues along the way that she ignored.”
“If she’d chosen to bury her head in the sand, isn’t it cruel for me to force her to acknowledge the truth now?” Royce countered.
“Back then, she probably thought it was a phase they could work out. Now she knows it will never happen. Royce, you wrestle with doubts every day because you feel like you should’ve seen his death coming and prevented it. How do you think she feels? As close as you were to Marcus, Candi knew him on a completely different level.”
Royce thought about it in terms of his relationship with Sawyer. Holly and Candi were his dearest friends, and he’d do anything for them, but his bond with Sawyer was so much more profound. Not even his friendship with Marcus could come close to touching what he shared with Sawyer. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“I usually am,” Sawyer teased as he found a parking spot near the café. Once he killed the engine, he aimed those warm brown eyes at Royce. “I will support whatever you decide, but knowing you the way I do, guilt will eat away at your soul if you don’t give her the opportunity to choose what’s best for her.”
“You think you know me, huh?” Royce asked, interjecting humor into the conversation. “What am I thinking now?”
“That you need to call Chief Mendoza with a doozy of an update while I get in line for food and beverages.”
Royce had a hard time tearing his eyes away from Sawyer’s mouth. What he wouldn’t give to be back in bed with those lips stretched around his—
Sawyer cleared his throat.
“Yep. You know me. That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
Sawyer chuckled as he exited the car. Royce dialed the chief and admired Sawyer’s long strides and delectable ass while waiting for Mendoza to pick up.
“Locke,” the chief said firmly. “What do you have for me?”