Page 40 of You Make It Feel like Christmas

Nick looked away. “Yeah. They’re good guys.

We’re a family. But it’s hard because no one really knows what’s going on.

I mean, how do I tell them I’m healed physically but my head is messed up?

Now, I’m supposed to go talk about hockey and playing with a buddy who also has no idea what’s going on and some deejay when I haven’t even been there for my team. ”

Maisie hated the anger in his tone because she strongly suspected it was directed at himself. “Has someone asked you to keep quiet about the mental health piece?”

He turned to her again. “What do you mean?”

“Just, why haven’t you talked to the guys or whoever you’re close to on the team about what’s happening?”

Nick let go of her hand and the look he gave her made her stomach tighten uncomfortably. “Mostly because I can handle it. Everyone has shit to deal with. Mine isn’t special. It’s hard enough letting them down by not having been at the last few games and practices. They don’t need all the details.”

Her gaze widened and she sat up straighter. She stared at him a few seconds, trying to figure out how to reply. Finally, she went with honesty. “Wow. I sort of thought you were more enlightened than that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” His back straightened too.

“There’s a lot of information online about the impact of professional sports on mental health.

There are organizations and supports and an entire movement around normalizing mental health struggles not just for athletes but for people in general.

You said these guys are your family. Why would anyone think poorly of you for having feelings and emotions you need to sort through? ”

He shook his head. “I don’t know that they would.

I mean, yeah, I know there’s a lot of literature out there.

My therapist said the same thing but it doesn’t mean I want everyone in my business.

Even the guys. I’ve always been private, and no matter how I go out, I’m at the end of my career.

I don’t need people talking about my anxiety attacks rather than my skill on the ice.

That’s not the legacy I want to leave. I don’t want that to be how everyone sees me. ”

Maisie pulled in a deep breath, let it out slowly through pursed lips.

She picked up her hot chocolate and ran a finger along the rim of the lid.

Maybe she didn’t get parts of it, but what she did get was basic human compassion.

Nick wasn’t being honest with his team, which meant they couldn’t prove to him that they had it.

That they’d have his back. Did he trust anyone to do that other than Ellie?

“I didn’t mean to be a dick,” Nick said quietly, leaning closer.

Maisie lifted her gaze and set it on him. “To me or yourself?”

“What?”

“I saw you, Nick. In the house, leaning against the door like you’d run six miles in the blazing sun without water.

It was as real as a broken arm or leg even if it seems invisible to someone on the outside.

You shouldn’t diminish it, make yourself feel less because of it.

You also shouldn’t hide it from people who care about you the way you say your team does.

They could help. You’re assuming the worst of them, thinking they would judge you for something out of your control. ”

Nick closed his eyes and leaned back. He didn’t say anything for several moments, just sat beside her, there but not there, and she felt worry clawing its way up her throat, squeezing her lungs.

When he looked at her again, his gaze was clear but also blank. “I shouldn’t have brought this up. It’s wrecking an otherwise really good day.”

Maisie’s shoulders sank. “I think we’ve skipped several traditional dating steps, Nick.

You called me your girl and your girlfriend today.

I want to be that to you. We’ve met each other’s families and already had several arguments.

You’ve seen me dressed up and undressed and I’ve seen the same of you.

You’ve seen me vulnerable with my mom attacking not only who I am but what I do, and I’ve seen you in the midst of a full-blown panic attack.

You want to pretend it’ll go away on its own, fine.

But if you’re in this the way I am, the way you’ve said you want to be, you don’t need to hide.

Not from me.” She gestured back and forth between them with her hand.

“This won’t work, especially if we’re going to be apart a fair amount with your travel schedule and us living in different states, if you’re going to shut down instead of being real.

” She hated the thought of being apart. She wasn’t even sure she could deal with that piece but she sure as hell couldn’t do it if he wouldn’t or couldn’t communicate fully.

Thoughts of how many times she’d missed her dad growing up, of how many things he’d missed out on because he was somewhere else, more important, flashed in her brain. You can’t think about that now.

Maisie stood up, anger and sadness making her movements twitchy.

She picked up her hot chocolate, drained the rest of it, and walked toward the garbage bin.

She tossed it and started to turn back but ended up pressed against Nick’s chest. He tossed his own cup even as his other hand gripped her hip and held her still.

Then he looked down at her, his gaze hot and intense. “You’re a total hard-ass, Maisie Smart.”

Her laugh felt a bit watery. “When I care about something, or someone, yeah. I guess I am.”

Nick put his hands on her arms, wrapped them around her elbows, used them to pull her up to her toes, and kissed the breath right out of her.

Which was 100 percent okay. Because if Nick King was kissing her like she mattered a hell of a lot, breathing could come second.

When he pulled away, loosening his hold so she could drop back to her flat feet, he stroked a hand down her hair, his eyes brimming with emotion.

“Glad to make that list. Not sure I deserve it, but I’m trying.”

She shook her head, realizing that even rich, hot, broody hockey players had insecurities and doubts.

“You deserve more than you think. I’ll keep reminding you of that if you let me.”

He dropped his forehead to hers. “I’m starting to realize I don’t have a whole lot of choice where you’re concerned. You make me want to be the man you see me as and not the broken one I am.”

Tears pushed against her eyelids that he could say that about himself. She went back up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“You’re not broken, honey. You’re human.

What you do doesn’t make you whole. You’re not just hockey, Nick.

You’re an uncle, a brother, an athlete, a friend.

You’re an amazing man and realizing that you don’t have to be strong every second doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you real. I want real, Nick. With you. ”

He rolled his forehead over hers, like he was slowly shaking his head. “I’m not sure you are. Real, that is. Or what I did to deserve a second chance but I’m really glad you gave me one.”

They stood there with the city of Seattle surrounding them and Maisie knew she’d give him as many chances as he needed because he was it for her.

But she just hoped that he’d give himself a second chance too.

And maybe his teammates. She hoped he’d let the people who cared about him all the way in so they could show him they’d step up and that he deserved their support.

For now, she’d just have to show him that he had her.

For as long as he wanted. Which she hoped would be a little longer than forever.

It was too soon to feel so much but, like Nick, she was learning she might not have a choice.