Page 20 of You Make It Feel like Christmas

N ICK’S BODY VIbrATED AS he walked into the house ahead of the others.

There was no way he could be anywhere near Maisie right this second and not want her.

Her brother and Colt had already sent them a few inquiring looks and his sister had already picked up on something.

He needed to cool himself down, settle himself.

Ditching his shoes and jacket at the door, he hurried through the house, going up the stairs, pulling at the collar of his sweater. Why the hell was it so hot in here? He would have gone straight to his room, started to, but he heard the all-too-familiar sounds of hockey.

How could a sound soothe and agitate him in the exact same second?

For most of his life, it only soothed, but until he figured out what was next for his career, it unsettled him as well.

Nick wandered past his room, down the second hallway until he was standing in the doorway of the media and games room Ellie outfitted upstairs.

His heart felt like it puffed up in his chest. Asher was racing back and forth, the custom-designed stick Nick had sent him for his birthday moving easily and naturally from side to side, controlling a little orange puck.

His little helmet-covered head swiveled, like he knew exactly what he was doing.

Or like he’d watched Nick’s games many times.

He wore the replica jersey Nick sent him for his birthday last year.

It was almost too adorable to actually absorb.

How many times had the kid done this? How much are you missing by being gone all the time?

The TV was too loud and the announcer’s voice rang through the room at a fevered pitch.

Nick moved into the room, Asher not even noticing as he headed for the remote.

“King gets the pass from Sanders from the other side of the ice. King turns, starts heading up the boards. He’s beating the defender, he stops.

He spins. He looks. He feeds the puck to the center of the ice.

One-timer. GOAL!!! Here comes the Guardian celebration as King pulls his stick up, slashes it down like a dagger going through the ice. And just like that—”

With the press of a button, the room went blissfully silent. Asher stopped in front of him, looking like a real-life bobble head with the helmet.

“Uncle Nick. I’m you. Let’s play,” he said.

Nick grinned as he crouched down and put his hands on Asher’s waist. “You’ve got great form, bud. And you’re fast . You must be practicing all the time.”

Asher nodded proudly.

Nick lowered his chin. “But I thought there were no hockey pucks in the house.” He was allowed to use a small nerf ball that would do little to no damage. Ellie learned that one the hard way.

Asher’s little face scrunched up, his lips pursing, making Nick laugh. “Where’s your mom?”

His nephew leaned in. “Shower,” he whispered.

Nick shook his head. “Make you a deal—we’ll play hockey out side in the driveway after dinner. For now, how about a game of air hockey?”

Asher’s shoulders slumped. “Okay.”

Nick started to waffle. They could use a nerf ball but it wasn’t nearly as awesome as smashing the hell out of a puck.

He missed playing. He also worried that playing again would sideline him for good if his knee wasn’t ready.

Ellie appeared in the doorway wearing a pair of gray lounge pants with a matching sweater, her damp hair up with a clip.

Asher dropped the stick and ran toward her. “Mommy. I’s just showing Uncle Nick my gear.”

Ellie glanced at Nick, then at the TV, then down at Asher. “Oh yeah? You weren’t practicing in the house?”

Silence. Nick waited. Ellie stared down at her son.

His head fell forward. “I did it. I sorry.”

Ellie looked at Nick, her lips twitching. She crouched down. “The important thing is you were honest. How about we all play later?”

Asher’s mood immediately turned. He took his helmet off, tossing it to the floor. “That’s what Uncle Nick said.”

And just like that, the kid sped from the room and Nick wasn’t sure if he was amused, impressed, or fucking exhausted. One thing was for sure; the last ten minutes had taken his mind off of kissing Maisie and agreeing to step in for a goat.

Ellie came into the room, picked up the helmet and the stick, and stowed them in the closet.

“Wanna tell me why Carlie Choi just texted to tell me you’re standing in for a goat as a celebrity judge tomorrow?”

Nick put his hands on his hips. “Who is Carlie Choi?”

Ellie looked at him. “ That’s your response?” She laughed. “The mom of one of Asher’s friends. She works for the mayor.”

He dropped his head, then gave up and just sank onto the couch, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes.

Ellie sank down beside him and he felt her stare. “You can’t be this distraught over standing in for a goat. From what I hear, it’s really quite an honor.”

He turned his head, opened his eyes so he could see her. She was smiling, but when she reached out and tapped his arm, he saw concern underneath. “What’s really going on, Nicky?”

“They brought up trading me.”

Ellie sat up straight, her mouth dropping open. “What? Why? You have eighteen more months on your contract.”

Sitting up, he lowered his forearms to his thighs. “I do. Which is why they also offered to pay me out.”

“You were having an excellent season. You’ve been a point leader for the last three years.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have started this because he couldn’t really blame them.

He was thirty-four years old. No matter how good he was, he was no longer twenty-two.

The effort it was taking to rehab his knee this time around was more proof than he wanted or needed.

Nick planned to play in the new year. They were expecting him back.

But almost no one knew that his head was messed up about it.

He was scared that if he went on the ice and got hit again, his career would be stripped from him.

That he wouldn’t be sitting where he was right now—which was still with a choice to make.

“I’ve been thinking about retiring.”

She sucked in a breath. Nick turned to meet her surprised gaze.

“I’m almost thirty-five, El.”

“Hockey is your life.” She said the words he’d always said.

The words he’d wholeheartedly believed would never change.

“I’m tired. I miss you guys. Maybe it’s time to get out before I don’t have a choice.

” There. He’d said what was eating away at him.

When people came up to him right now, telling him how great he was, it felt like they were talking about someone else.

Realizing and accepting that he was no longer the player he used to be was something his therapist said he was going to need to face. No shit, doc.

Ellie put her hand on his arm and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I won’t lie and say having you around more isn’t wonderful. But you need to really think about what you want, Nick. You’ve always said without hockey, you’re nothing. I’ve never believed that but I believed it’s how you felt.”

He tilted his head so it rested on hers.

“It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t known, one hundred percent, what I want.

” Though, that wasn’t entirely true. He wanted to be close to his family.

He wanted to slow down and not be on the road all the time.

He wanted to sleep in. Maybe get a dog. He wanted to just love hockey again without all of the other stuff clouding it.

He wanted Maisie. When he kissed her, he forgot about everything else. She wasn’t an escape. She was like a portal to a different world.

“Whatever choice you make, I’m here. Always.”

“I know. I hope you know it goes both ways. I feel like I wasn’t there for you enough with your divorce or before it.”

“You’re the best brother I could ask for, Nick. You took care of me growing up, even after you got drafted. I’ve never felt like you weren’t there for me.”

Swallowing down the guilt, he leaned away and looked at his little sister. “Then why was the divorce such a shock to me? How long were you unhappy?”

A sad smile lifted her lips. “I didn’t tell you everything that was going on but not because I didn’t feel like I could.

I was married. I’m a mom. I figured I could handle my own life and then it got to be so much, and I realized, that’s not what I wanted to put my energy into.

Especially after he cheated. There was no going back.

I was unhappy for a while but, and this is the important piece, I’m happy now. ”

It’d been just the two of them, short of Colt’s family, for most of their lives.

Their dad had left when Ellie was younger than Asher.

Their mom had wanted a life that didn’t include two kids tying her down.

Nick always suspected that if their father hadn’t left, she would have been satisfied, maybe even a good mom.

Being alone made her angry. She took that out on them and focused on herself, on what she needed out of life.

The only reason she’d come around to supporting Nick’s dreams was because she realized he could be a meal ticket.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

She leaned into him again. “Same.”

He had a place to land. He’d be okay. But knowing those things didn’t make coming to a conclusion any easier. Especially since all he really wanted to do was find Maisie and lose himself in kissing her again.

Ellie sat up, turned to look at him. “So? You’re standing in for David?”

He shook his head, not sure how he’d ended up in that position. “You live in a weird little town, sis.”

“True. But it’s a sweet one and we like it here. This is going to be big. You’re a big deal in most places but in a small town? People will come to see you, especially since you’re taking the place of their beloved and well-respected goat.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. At this point, what the hell else could he do? He could have said no, even though he’d sort of felt boxed in. But why? It was one more distraction to pull him away from the choices looming over his head or rehabbing his knee.

“I’ve never stood in for a goat before but I’ve done dozens of these types of events.

It’s not a big deal.” He hoped. He couldn’t always predict when his anxiety would pop in for a visit.

But something like this wasn’t about how great he was on the ice.

He didn’t have to talk strategy or all-time scoring. He just needed to taste some dessert.

“Bet you never imagined this as part of being a hockey player,” Ellie said.

Nick pushed up from his seat, held out a hand to help Ellie up. “Guess I’ve really made something of myself.”

Her laughter soothed him in the same way Asher’s did. It reminded him that there were a lot of things outside of hockey that mattered. Now, if he could just make a damn choice, maybe he’d be able to breathe easier.