Page 22 of Worse Than Murder

‘1992.’

‘Talk to May,’ Philip says. ‘She’s in her sixties so she’s bound to remember it.’

‘Poor girl,’ Sally says, wistfully. ‘Imagine living with not knowing what happened for thirty years. It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?’ She places a hand on Philip’s shoulder. She’s clearly thinking of when Carl was kidnapped. He was missing for four years and that was a nightmare that seemed to be without end.

Sally leaves with the dirty dishes to take into the utility room where the dishwasher is, leaving me and Philip to finish our coffees.

‘I didn’t want to mention it with Carl at the table,’ I begin. ‘But have you looked at the CCTV cameras? Any attempts to break in last night?’

‘No. All quiet. Speaking of last night, I had a phone call. I came to tell you about it, but Carl said you’d already gone to bed. Sian Robinson.’

‘Oh?’

‘She’s been ringing and ringing you since you left Sheffield. She’s tried everyone she could think of. Why haven’t you been answering her calls? I thought she was a good friend.’

‘She is. I didn’t bring my phone with me. It’s still at my house in Sheffield. Did you tell her I was here?’

‘Yes. She was relieved to hear you’re safe. She told me to tell you to ring her any time. She’s worried about you.’

I don’t say anything to that. There’s nothing to say.

‘She asked if she can ring me again; to check up on you. I told her that was fine. Look, Mat, I know you feel like you don’t have anyone right now, but you do. Sian, Scott, Christian. Sian mentioned a Donal, and someone called Odell. They’re all thinking of you. They’re all worried about you. That’s a lot of people to have in your corner. You’re not as alone as you think.’

‘And they’re all police officers. Well, apart from Donal and Odell. I can’t surround myself with police at the moment. It hurts. I keep thinking about all the people who would still be alive now if I hadn’t joined the force. Faith. Rory and his fiancée Natasha. They’d have been married now, probably had kids, too. Ranjeet. He and Kesinka had just had a baby when he was killed. Chris.’ I heard my voice break when I mentioned Chris’s name. ‘Valerie. My dad. My mum. My nephews. So many people have died because of me. I’m the biggest serial killer never to have been caught.’

‘You’re being far too hard on yourself.’

‘Too many people have died for me not to be hard on myself.’

‘So, what are you going to do for the rest of your life? I mean, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want, you know that, but are you really going to be happy spending every day just going out running and swimming and sitting around here with your thoughts?’

I take a deep breath. ‘I was thinking that, if this storm hits as hard as predicted, I might pop outside and see if the wind will lift me up and transport me to another world.’

‘Take a Woody to be your Tonto.’

‘Toto,’ I correct him.

‘Joking aside,’ Philip says, lowering his voice and learning forward. ‘You wouldn’t do that, would you? Just disappear.’

‘Like Alison’s father and sisters? I don’t know. After James died, I hurt so much that I did think about getting in the car and driving away. Then I thought about what it would do to my mum and dad. That’s what kept me in Sheffield. They’re not here anymore. There’s nobody to think about.’

‘You’ve already run away, though. You’ve come here.’

‘But people have found me. Maybe I didn’t run far enough.’

Philip places a hand on top of mine. It’s a sign of comfort, and Philip is a dear friend, but I want to pull my hand away and I don’t know why.

‘You have more people in your life to miss you than you think. Forget what they do for a job. If you were just a colleague, Sian wouldn’t have been looking high and low for you. I’m sure Christian and Scott and the others feel the same. Then there’s Adele in Sierra Leone, and there’s me and Sally. And Carl loves you to bits. We’d all miss you, and I’m not just saying that because three of my waiting staff have decided not to come in this evening and I need someone to help peel the carrots.’

That makes me laugh.

‘Half-circle, quarter slices or julienne?’

‘You’re learning,’ he smiles. ‘Fancy a job?’

‘You may regret asking me that question.’

Me and Carl take the dogs on a long walk through the woods. It doesn’t have the same openness and sense of freedom as when I was out with them yesterday. The sky is heavy and dark. The clouds are rolling in off the Irish sea and, for the first time in weeks, there’s a breeze that’s picking up strength by the hour. Without sounding melodramatic, it’s a harbinger of doom.